Die Hard 2 Puns

It should have been called, 'Dice Hard'.

As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

We were watching die hard 4 and we got to the bit where the evil hacker guy shoots most of the people he was working with. I was a bit confused so I said,” hang on, weren’t they working for him?” My dad then proceeded to say,”not any more. They just got fired.” It was such a bad joke but definitely a great dad joke.

also in the news:

Patients who have died or been admitted to intensive care with Covid-19 have been found to be deficient in a vitamin found in spinach, eggs, and hard and blue cheeses, raising hopes that dietary change might be one part of the answer to combating the disease.

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

I guess old hobbits die hard

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

Because old hobbits die hard.

Due to it being in the morning, he died hard.

He's a die hard fan.

Guys, help me out here. I can't remember the name of this old action movie. Bilbo Baggins has to stop a terrorist plot and save his wife in the Nakatomi Towers. Oh, that's it.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each."

The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?"

She says: "Adam and Eve!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?"

She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the last nun - the mother superior - and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?"

Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one..."

The saint lets her right into Heaven.

The End.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, “Now you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams “Tria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. “What did you say” asked the chief. “Tria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

“Holy shit” said Bob “What did you just say and how did you know it would work?”

“Well” said Frank, “my Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan.”

Me: What's your favorite movie, Dad?

Dad: Old habits.

Me: What kind of movie is that????? Old habi—?

Dad: Die Hard (points double finger guns) pewpew

I told her, “Sorry babe, old habits Die Hard.”

"I'm sorry, but you know how it goes. Old habits, Die Hard."

I mentioned that they used slaves and criminals, since they would have a hard time getting actors to play the part of someone that actually dies, and my dad disagreed.

He said: No, people were dying to have that job.

Sorry if something like this has already been posted.

At least he died hard.

As he was dying, he kept telling us to "be positive," but it's incredibly hard to without him.

A die hard fan

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.

The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.

"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"

When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.

"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."

The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it

If you overdose on Viagra do ... Do you die hard?

My boss is a good guy and a good boss, but he always says the same 5 or so jokes (he has two young kids). Anytime he pulls up to a job that we've been working on its "you aren't done yet?" or its "great job, but why are they upside down". Every time someone walks up to a job they get a loud "shhhh, here they come". I can go on and on, he has comedy routines for almost every situation.

So that's what I have to deal with.

Last weekend he took a mini-vacation, and brought me back a bottle of hot sauce (I'm something of a heatseeker) and the bottle was layer with all sorts of sexual innuendo that it'll get you hard and great at sex.

The other day I send him a text message around lunch time that only said "I have to go to the emergency room." Not 30 seconds pass and I get a phone call from him.

Boss: "What happened?"

Me: "Well, this morning I put some of that hot sauce you gave me on my eggs, and I've had an erection lasting more than four hours."

Boss: dryly "Ha. Ha. Haaa."

Meanwhile my coworker is dying of laughter and I'm trying to keep it together.

I've told everyone about this the past couple days.

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

I've been looking forward to this. This food is delicious and they are to die for. I found out the hard way

You know... Old habits Die Hard!

There was a train operator who had a really bad temper. Nobody liked him. He would always bark at people and be aggressive towards them. One day an 18 year old girl tried to get on his train near its departure time, but being the man he was, he started moving the train, she fell under it and died. The man was immediately hauled off to court where he was sentenced to desth by electric chair. So they strapped him in and pressed the switch, but nothing happend. Baffled, they let him go. The operator thought long and hard about his actions and decided to improve his life. So when an old woman tried to get on his train near the departure time and seeing her, he waited for her to get on. Unfortunately she tripped, fell, and died. He was hauled off to court again and due to his past reputation, he was sentenced to death by electric chair again. This time when they pulled the switch he was shocked and he died.

Why did it work this time, but not the first time? The first time he was a bad conductor, but the second time he was a good conductor.

As he died he kept on insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

Told him I'm a Die Hard fan

You may have seen my other post a couple weeks back about die hard 4 and it got really popular and now my dad has made another joke and I want to prove to him that this was a bad one.

When the Russian guy was pushed off the building by mcclaines son and sliced by the helicopter, my dad said, “he got choppered.” Am I wrong or was this one a bad one?

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

Bad hobbits die hard.

As he died, he kept insisting that we "be positive", but it's hard without him.

As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.

Okay, so this has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Because old hobbits die hard!

As he died, he kept insisting that we “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.

He kept saying "be positive" before he died but it's hard without him.

My dad passed away last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for the Doctors to give him a blood transfusion. As he was dying he kept saying “be positive” but it’s really hard with out him.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive", but it's hard with out him.