Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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You know, people made fun of trump for the way he went down that ramp.

It was a little con descending in my opinion.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimjimjimjim69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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What do you call a narcissistic criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeachPeachMcgee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

πŸ‘︎ 21k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they are surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, β€œNow you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams β€œTria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. β€œWhat did you say” asked the chief. β€œTria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

β€œHoly shit” said Bob β€œWhat did you just say and how did you know it would work?”

β€œWell” said Frank, β€œmy Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernamemispeled
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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I saw a smug prisoner walking down the staircase...

I thought: "that's a condescending con descending"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/judethedude781
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder...

Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder. While the seasoned prisoner at the top watched for guards, the new prisoner went down the ladder first and slowly. Once the ladder was clear, the seasoned prisoner slid down in just three seconds, then he scolded the new prisoner for being so slow. The new prisoner replied, "Well, look at mister con descending here."

πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/43-48-45-45-53-45
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2017
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The Legend of Zorro and the Bacon Tree

So this is a bit long, sorry about that.

Zorro and his best bud the Lone Ranger were riding through the desert one day, I forget where they were heading to or where they had come from, but we can safely assume shenanigans of some kind were the driving force.

They have been travelling for most of the day and are starting to get tired. There has been a discussion about making camp for the night, but as things are they have agreed to continue riding for a while longer, till the sun starts to set. Away and off to the west the Lone Ranger spies a plant that seems to have large pink flowers that hang in strips with white stripes running the length of them.

"Zorro, what's that over there?" he asks.

Zorro turns in his saddle and raises his hand to shield his eyes from the sun. "Ah, it looks like a bacon tree, quite common in these parts. Let's ride on, there is a good place an hour from now to set up camp."

The two friends ride on and as the sun is beginning to descend the have stopped and are making camp. As Zorro begins to make a fire he says to the Lone Ranger, "You know, I quite fancy some pork. You ride back to that bacon tree and get some for supper, and I'll finish setting up camp here."

"No problem Zorro, I won't be long" replies the Ranger, jumping back into the saddle and returning the way they came.

Time passes, and the sun begins to get low in the sky. 'Odd', thinks Zorro 'he should be back by now.' Another hour passes and the shadows are growing longer. 'I might have to go investigate, it's not like him to take his time.' More time passes, and, just as Zorro has decided that he must go search for his friend in the dwindling light, he hears the sound of Silver's hooves. Looking into the gathering gloom he sees his friend riding towards him. As the Lone Ranger nears Zorro can see the Lone Ranger is injured, there are cuts and bruises and he has an arrow through his hat.

"What on earth happened, Lone Ranger? Did you make it to the Bacon tree?"

The Lone Ranger dismounts and sighs heavily.

"That weren't no Bacon tree, Zorro. That was an Hambush."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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A whimsical tale...

There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:

Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?

Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, β€œSire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emily’s apple.” He was promptly executed.

After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabeth’s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emily’s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.

One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.

β€œFather,” said Emily, β€œhave you made the riddle too hard? No one has been able to guess it yet.”

β€œNo worries Em,” responded the king, I have confidence that the time will come soon.”

The young man descended the wall, having learned the secret to the riddle.

The next day, dressed In his finest clothes, the young man approached the king with the answer to the riddle.

β€œWhat is your answer, young man?” declared the king.

The young man replied, β€œIn order to calculate Elizabeth’s apples, you must ADD EM’S APPLE.”

The king answered β€œlol get it?”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diezlk9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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What do you call a sneaky criminal going down a staircase?

A condescending con descending.

Edit: β€œsnarky” not sneaky :)

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggiestnoodle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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I visited my friend in jail the other day and there was a jailbreak.

Suddenly there was pandemonium everywhere. The guards on duty ushered us out of the gates just as a horde of inmates began climbing over the barrier wall.

One by one they dropped down disappearing into the brush. Just as I looked up, a midget in an orange jumpsuit stuck his tongue out at me and gave me the finger as he came down.

I thought to myself, "Well that's a little con descending."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garrettbtm22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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Two friends are out at the lake..

One of the guys pulls out this really, really long lighter. And his friend says, "Hey, that's a cool lighter. Where'd you get it?" He says, "Oh, I've got this magic genie in a lamp. You know, rub the lamp, get a wish." Friend goes, "Well shit, man! Don't hold out! I want a wish!" "Okay, man, but I have to warn you.. This genie is *really* old.." "All right, whatever, just give me a wish." So he rubs the lamp, the genie comes out, and grants him a wish. He says, "I want a million bucks!" "Your wish is granted," says the genie, he disappears into the lamp, and suddenly a million *ducks* descend upon this lake. The guy is baffled and says, "Hey, what's the deal? I asked for a million *bucks*, not a million *ducks*.." His friend replies, "Dude, you think I asked for a 12-inch *Bic*?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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As I was driving past the prison...

I noticed a midget in prison clothes climbing down the outside of the fence. And as he looked down at me and sneered, I thought, "That's a little con descending."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrBELDING69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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What do you call a patronizing psychic midget who is escaping from prison by rope?

A condescending con descending who is about to become a small medium at large

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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I Dadjoked my wife....

Local gym, we're on the treadmills close to the doors. A group of Mexican descendants walk out the doors, this is a 24 hr gym after normal business hours. Wife: I wonder if all of them have memberships Me: No, just Juan..... Wife: ..... :/ I swear I'm not racist.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatherofzeuss
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
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The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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What do you call your children's children's children's children if they jump off of a cliff?

Your descendants.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WheresTheWombo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2016
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Did anyone else hear about that arrogant felon that jumped to his death?

For a few moments, he was a descending condescending con.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jofax88
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2017
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I was making my way through Atlanta airport the other day when I noticed a man working on a broken escalator...

As I descended down the adjacent, working escalator I noticed the man tapping his screwdriver impatiently at the bottom; looking around as if he were waiting for something. I couldn't resist...

>Me: "Do you have everything you need to fix it?"
>
>Him: "No!" <looking frustrated>
>
>Me: "Well, have you tried escalating?!"

In about half a second the man's face erupted in a smile while he proceeded to laugh so loudly that he startled himself and a woman nearby who gasped, turning to look at him. Somewhere behind me a woman unleashed a loud, "Ha!" as well.

I smiled all the way to my designated boarding gate =D

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riskable
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
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My wife and I were driving by the county jail and we saw a midget who was climbing out the window attempting to escape.

I said, "Well that's a little con-descending."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PenguinGrylls
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
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What do you call a snobby criminal climbing down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cokedupbunny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con, descending.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatchOutItsAdam
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending!

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Khadau
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a smart-ass prisoner falling down the stairs ?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joe4645
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a narcissist criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UrMamFat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 196
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandi-ela
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Decending

What do you call a condescending con man going downstairs

A condescending con descending

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/puggoamber
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/odrincrystell
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asholes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a self-centered criminal going down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Sheev
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobbish felon walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yazziey
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a mean old prisoner walking down the stairs?

Con descending

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Khitty
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Benevolent_Sinner
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobbish thief going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliTheGreat101
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs?

A condescending con descending

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnysmart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2017
🚨︎ report
What would you call a snobby thief running down your stairs?

a condescending con, descending!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayestOfBears
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snarky criminal going down stairs?

A condescending con descending

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobby_849
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a smug criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

😏

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call an arrogant criminal running down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/podsyboy121
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobby criminal walking downstairs?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hemightbebrian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
🚨︎ report

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