Thought I'd derail your day.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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My boss yelled at me the other day, β€œYou’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"

I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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Delays on the subway completely derails my day.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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Train derails after rail lines stolen...

The culprits left no tracks

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valitri
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2017
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Did you guys hear about the derailment?

I guess the conductor wasn’t properly trained

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/El-HaaK
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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I lost my train of thought

It got Derailed

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Have you ever heard the story of the train conducter who derailed, no?

Off course you don't.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TruufadeR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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A train robber keeps derailing trains on his escape.

The feds are looking for him but he is hard to keep track of.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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Middle-East Pun Train Derailed
πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/musicandpancakes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2014
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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My daughter asked me, "Dad, why is your nose in the middle of your face?"

I smirked and replied, "Because it's the scenter."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2017
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Every time we go past a railroad crossing, I always tell my kids, "Hey, a train just went by!" They grudgingly ask, β€œHow do you know daddy?”

β€œBecause its tracks are still here!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
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I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains...

but it got derailed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/24Anuj24
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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Three Dad Jokes on the way to school this morning.

So, we're driving up a tree-lined street where people often have wedding/family photos taken. It's lined with live oaks and is pretty beautiful. That prompted this conversation.

12 y/o daughter: Why do people sometimes get their wedding photos taken on train tracks? That doesn't make sense.

Me: Because they choo-choose to? [with a debt to Ralphie Wiggam]

6 y/o daughter (Loud groan): Papi, that's a terrible joke.

Me: So you think you could engineer a better one if I train you?

12 y/o: Dad why do you always make these awful jokes?

Me: Because I've got loco motives!

At that point I started laughing so hard I couldn't come up with anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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I pulled this one on a client today

I was explaining something to a client and a real estate agent when I am interrupted by a Train whistle. I pause waiting for it to end.

I then continue my explanation. Only to get interrupted again for a good 15 seconds.

After it ends.

Me: Long pause.... I'm sorry I've lost my train of thought.

The agent chuckled. But I could hear everyone else rolling their eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gotelc
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2015
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Somebody needs a friend. [x-post from /r/funny]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarahsugarplum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
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What kind of train is β€œThe Little Engine that Could”?

A self esteem engine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwiftFoxRaps
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2018
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Friend and I saw "Snowpiercer" last night. Spent the next hour and a half barraging him with train puns.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CorvidaeSF
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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I work for the railroad, so they thought I was imparting important knowledge

Me: "I can tell a train just went through here" Wife and son: "How?" Me: "It left it's tracks" Wife goes back to reading book, son puts headphones back on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stinksnots
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2015
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Why did the bicycle see the psychiatrist?
  1. It was always two tired.

  2. It had lost its bearings and became derailed.

  3. It had cycle logical problems.

  4. The cycle paths were starting to rub off on it.

  5. It was fed up with being taken for a ride.

  6. It suspected it was becoming cycle-chotic.

  7. It had been too long since it last spoke to a professional.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2018
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A terrorist tried blowing up a train.

Fortunately the plan was derailed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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We were making home made soup the other night...

And I snuck into the kitchen to take this picture for the sole purpose of taking it back to my girlfriend to say with an exasperated sigh, "Ugh, would you just look at this stock photo..."

She hated me for the rest of the night as I sat there giggling like a madman, way too pleased that she didn't figure it out before I showed it to her. When I told my dad, it entirely derailed his train of thought as he started laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/L337Cthulhu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2017
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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Was helping at my dad's house and we got to talking

I was talking with my dad when my little sister walks in from the garage mumbling something.
Dad: Don't interrupt people when they are having a conversation. (Turns to me) What were you talking about?
Me: I can't remember, I lost my train of thought.
Dad: What, did it get derailed?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jester883
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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You're the worst conductor in the railroad business. How many trains did you derail last year?

I don't know boss, it's so hard to keep track.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacoenthusiast
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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My boss said to me, β€œYou are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”

I said, β€œI’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 643
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aromipesa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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My boss said to me, β€œYou’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, β€œI’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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My boss said to me, β€œYou are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”

I said, β€œI’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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My boss said to me, β€œyou're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, β€œI'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Natty383
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
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Boss : You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?

I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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A train just went by here, wanna know how I know?

It left its tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JLECVICTORY
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2015
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My boss said β€œYou’re the worst fucking train driver ever,”

β€œHow many trains have you derailed to date?” I replied β€œIt’s hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Linalg2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
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The worst train driver ever.

My boss said to me, β€œyou're the worst train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed this year?”

I said, β€œI'm not sure, it's hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matjes003
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
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