Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors
Once I finally finished installing the thin wood flooring in my large living room, I thought to myself...
The detective shuddered when he realised the weapons from each crime scene were the same weight
They weren't just chasing a serial killer, they were chasing a mass murderer
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
I was going to tell a joke about a prisoner transferring from a cell on the top floor to one on the bottom floor...
...but the punchline is con descending.
I've just deleted all the German names off my pre owned iPhone..
My 9 year old daughter just yelled this down from her room. "Hey dad! What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean?"
Nothing! They just waved!
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
How do you cut the ocean in half?
Why were the pirates cutting school?
Mrs. Dracula, from the living room: "Count Dracula!"
Count Dracula, from the basement:"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6..."
When cooking and cutting food, I never use the stuff that gets stuck to the side of the knife.
How does the moon cut his hair?
I checked into a motel and the clerk told me I had the second room on the second floor. He picked up the key to hand to me, but hesitated and took it back.
I said, “Well? 2B or not 2B?”
I deleted all of the Germans I know out of my phone's contacts
Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?
Because she didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.
I saw another coworker using the mayonnaise with my name on it from the fridge in the break room.
I said to him, “What the Hellman?”
You get a paper cut from paper, but how do you get a cut from lettuce?
My grandfather just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?”
My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.
If you are on the first floor of a building, and someone one the second floor is being arrested, are you...
I’m opening a high end barber shop on the top floor of a hotel..
It’s a cut above the rest.
Two prisoners are working in the laundry room on the top floor of the jail.
After a couple hours, the guard on duty steps away to use the bathroom.
The one prisoner says: "Quick, this is our chance to escape. We only have a few minutes so have to work together. You rip bedsheets into strips and I'll tie them into a rope, then we can climb down through the window.
The other agrees, "Got it. I sheet, you knot."
When my aunt Penny died she hadn’t cut her hair in 20 years, when we took her to the crematorium it turns out they charged by weight and we couldn’t afford a receptacle for her ashes. I learned an important lesson that day.
A Penny shaved is a Penny urned.
What happens to you if you pee on the floor?
How do you track Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints!
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off?
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
Why did the Mexican man end up in the emergency room?
The police pulled over a semi going 120 mph on the interstate. Upon opening the trailer, they found thousands of ancient cutting tools similar to an axes but with the cutting edges perpendicular to the handle rather than parallel.
I asked my dad why he was cleaning the floor at 2am.
He said he was feeling sweepy
What did they use in the biblical days for cuts and scrapes?
I bought an onion. Cutting it burned my eyes so badly I went back to the store to complain.
I got dishonourably discharged from the Navy yesterday for accidentally boarding a different vessel.
As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said, "Have a good day son."
"Don't call me son, you're not my dad.!!" I said.
As the lift door closed, he looked me in the eye and said, "I brought you up, didn't I ?"
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
Once upon a time a had a pair of jeans that I cut off at the knee in summer.
There you go, a short story.
I told my friend a joke and he fell on the floor from laughter
I guess some people cant stand jokes
Why did the 2 x 4 get sent to his room?
It was knotty! Hey YO!!!! (I really am sorry…)
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
How does the moon cut his hair
How does the Moon cut his own hair?
How does the moon cut his hair?
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