Friend's dad had an amazing deadpan delivery

Friend: "I barely got an A in exchange for sexual favors"

Friend's dad: "Well did you choke?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/twanzition
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2014
🚨︎ report
Is it a dad joke when your daughter tells it?

My 11 year old to my 9 year old, as we drive by a cemetery on a hill : "i wonder why they bury people in a hill."

9 year old, in total deadpan: "because they're dead."

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/g5van5g
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
If someone is deadpanning you

β€œHey are you strong?”

β€œThen do you mind carrying some of the weight of this conversation?”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maggie143
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...

And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me

β€˜Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’

πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ’€πŸ’€β˜ οΈβ˜ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.

I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Kim Jong-Un told me a joke:

I just had to laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HandlessDerpFace
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were taking a walk...

This week’s dumb joke:

My wife and I were out for a walk, and we walked through a cool patch of air right by a field.

β€œIt’s weird how it’s always cooler right there,” she said.

β€œYeah,” I said, β€œI guess it’s because the sun never shines here. I wonder if they get a lot of dumping in this field?”

β€œHuh? Why?”

A beat.

Two beats.

β€œIsn’t this where they stick everything?” I deadpanned.

She laughed. You don’t have to.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/truthcopy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were in the hospital with my 2 year old daughter who had a allergic reaction to a tomato...

Her face went red and her cheeks swelled up making her look just like a tomato.

After the nurse and my wife finished talking about her reaction, I just couldn’t help but blurt our β€œwell, you are what you eat”

My wife eye rolled, the nurse just looked at me with a deadpan face and said β€œwell done” and walked off.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Drahcir1
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad : Did you hear about the kidnapping at school ?

Son : No, what happened ?

Dad : It is ok he woke up.

Edit: Thank you the upvotes guys.TIL that the only requirement for a dad joke is that it elicits not a laugh from its audience but the annoyed response:"Daaaaaaaad". Hope you enjoyed.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deadfamousdinesh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Taco Tuesday

While making tacos my overly (un)helpful daughter keeps trying to help. I nicely tell her to let us make them. She asks why.

I deadpan tell her "Because it needs to be put together in the right order, or it will taste funny. And no one likes a funny tasting taco."

Wife is hiding somewhere dying.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yuaskin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Alright I got two bangers here

Dad Jokes are great and all, but I'm more into Sun Jokes. They're a little st-upiter and talk about Uranus a lot, but they're equally funny.

I went to practice my joke routine at a cemetery recently. The audience was really lifeless. Except for this one guy, he had a really deadpan laugh though.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyrus_Leo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Very proud of my five year old daughter. My wife screamed with a sound of absolute terror while in the shower earlier. I find out that she saw a few hairs together, thought it was a giant bug, and temporarily lost her mind. My daughter asked why she screamed...

...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.

My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"

She's going to be a great dad one day.

Edit: skipped a word

πŸ‘︎ 821
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeftHandedToe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad, I know how to stay awake for 8 days!

It's easy, I just sleep during the nights.

*(disclaimer -- this dadjoke was delivered deadpan by my daughter. She is truly becoming a master)

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jujutsujoe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Kid got me with this one

Tonight at dinner, he was telling me about the book he got at the library. He totally deadpanned it.

Son: I got this game book called Club Penguin at the library.

Me: I've never heard of that, what is it.

Son: It's a place you get free books.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arimarismacon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife is a better dad than me!

So yesterday I found a toy car in the freezer that my 1 year old son had put there. In telling my wife the story I told her that I was disappointed that it was a car, since: if it was a shoe I could say it was cold feet, and if it was a phone he was trying to cold call someone.

My wife, completely deadpan, responds:

"He was looking for a cool ride"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Nik
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Coworker said, "if you do that again, I'll kick you in the shin."

"That's alright, I wore shinguards today."

"...why?"

"Just for kicks!"

All I got for my wit was a deadpan look and a slow head shake.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/downhillcarver
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
🚨︎ report
So I was Dad joked in the parking lot

So I just met a master jokester. The setting:

I came out of work across the parking lot and a car comes at me. So I cross and I hear him go, 'youre walking too fast for this place' it's a 55+ community. So I walk over to talk to him and he goes 'what are you doin here your awfully young to be here'

me: yeaah, I'm 10 years to young. I'm the new chef for your clubhouse'

Him: 'youll be cooking for old men'

Me: 'its a challenge'

Him: 'well I don't want to keep you

Me: 'im just picking my dad up from physical therapy'

Him deadpan, 'well you might not want to do that'

Me: why?!

Him dead serious: well, because he's got to be heavy

Me: ... I can't believe I just got grandpop joked

Him: you better believe it

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZenPancakes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
🚨︎ report
My daughter got up from the table and said, "I have to go pee"

My step-daughter got up from the table as well and added, "I have to pee, too." My wife deadpans, "It is a 'pee too' movement!" #peetoo #momjokestoo

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/detrickster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad's jokes drove us crazy

My dad was riding shotgun while my brother was making repeated futile attempts to pull his Suburban into a narrow parking space. Dad turned around to me, looked me in the eye and deadpanned, "He's got parking son's disease".

πŸ‘︎ 497
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/towbeear
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
🚨︎ report
I nearly died while eating dinner with my parents.

My mom was talking to my dad about me while we were eating dinner. At some point she said, "She's my baby, Daddy!" To which my dad deadpan responded immediately with, "No, I'm your baby daddy."

I cringed so hard I very nearly shot the soda I was drinking out of my nose.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadowulf99
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Paraplegic dad, uninjured sense of humor...

Made an account just to share this. My dad is paraplegic--he broke his neck at a college wrestling tournament when he was 19. There's a story my mom always tells about him that just sums up how he can be so lighthearted even in the darkest of circumstances.

During his long stay at the hospital immediately after his injury, a nurse checks in on him, making sure his condition hasn't gotten any worse.

She asks, "Can you hear okay?"

He says, totally deadpan, "No, I can see fine."

Even then, lying in a hospital bed after a life-altering injury, my dad couldn't give up an opportunity to make someone laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 181
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StevenSongtime
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
🚨︎ report
Padres of the Caribbean

Dad and I are leaving Home Depot and cross paths with a gentleman carrying some 2x4s over his shoulder through the crosswalk. He stops the car and turns to me with, "Looks like he's... walking the plank." Dad literally cant drive the car because he's doubled over the steering wheel crying. All I can do is meet the stares of fellow shoppers with the deadpan face of one who has just been dad-joked. I will become him one day.

πŸ‘︎ 166
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ColdSoup74
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Driving instructor pulled one on me.

I was going for driving lesson after a 2 month break, and after fumbling around and finally successfully getting the car started, my driving instructor said this to me:
DI: "Have you been filming a show recently?"
Me: "No, why do you say that?"
DI: "You look a lot like a character in this show on TV."
Me(kinda flattered): "What show is that?"
DI (Deadpanned): "Oh you know, Lost."
Me: "......."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Serav1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my own dad with this one.

I was downloading a few things on the XBox one day, and my dad started mildly complaining about how I was slowing down his internet connection. Generally I'm not funny enough to come up with on the spot jokes, but "First come, first server." is the exception to that. Bonus: I was talking about dreams with my parents one morning and I mentioned that I had recently had a dream where dad died. Dad instantly deadpanned with "One day, all your dreams will come true."

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/missphoenix
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad tagged me in this picture on Facebook...

http://imgur.com/9hE96LP

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/godspeed312
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
🚨︎ report
Gender politics in the Home Depot garden section

So my parents bought a new house, and they are in the process of moving in.

He wants to get some greenery for the front yard, so we're at Home Depot.

He's looking at something, I don't know what, and he makes the comment, "this is almost the exact same thing that we have at the old house, and I love it."

I ask him, "why didn't you like my idea of transplants from the old one to the new house, then?"

Deadpan he replies, "Jay, you know I don't care about a plants sexual orientation or gender."

Seriously, my father, ladies and gentlemen.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mister_Jay_Peg
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2016
🚨︎ report
BF and I went to the Kiwi version of ComicCon today.

We walked past the entrance where people were setting up for card game tournaments, including Magic: The Gathering. He stopped me and said completely deadpan, "This is where the magic happens."

πŸ‘︎ 94
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/natzor77
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2014
🚨︎ report
My dinosaur professor may be a dad.

I'm in a college course just called "Dinosaurs" and the professor owns most of the models he shows in class. We were covering bone structures and there were quite a few bones and complete skeletons all over the lab for various assignments. Curious, one student asked "Are these your bones?"

He responds, entirely deadpan, "No, my bones are still inside me."

(groans and chuckles throughout the lab)

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Phatrick129
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2014
🚨︎ report
My daughters face was messy from a candy bar.

I said " you've got choc-lips ".

Didn't get a groan but she did do a deadpan courtesy laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bjorn2bMild
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Just cracked this one off at lunch.

Was eating burgers with the wife and daughter when my wife (who picked up the food) said, "I was going to get us singles, but I went with the double. Just felt in the mood for a meatier burger."

"Did your burger kill the dinosaurs?" I deadpanned.

"What?"

"Your burger. You said it was a meteor burger."

"Meatier...meatier...METEOR Burger? Goddammit, goober."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KingPellinore
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2015
🚨︎ report
I saved this dad joke for 30 years for just the right moment...

I think I "invented" this joke when I was around 15, but I'm sure others have as well since it's not too subtle. The key, though, was that I waited for just the right moment to use it for the first time.

I had an ear infection, so I went to the doctor, who took a look and quickly diagnosed it and wrote a prescription and handed it to me.

> Doctor: It's just an ear infection, so 4 drops of this daily should clear it right up.

> Me: [Reading the prescription, and seeing the name of the antibiotic, but I may be wrong about the name, so if anyone knows the right name, please reply.] [Completely seriously.] Oraline? So, I put the drops in my mouth?

> Doctor: [Quizzically.] No, no, no, you put it in your ear!

> Me: Oh, I read the name, and "Oraline" sounds like something you'd take orally.

> Doctor: Nope, in the ear.

> Me: [Remembering my dad joke.] It's a good thing that you didn't prescribe me analgesics.

The doctor had no reaction, just said their deadpan goodbye and left. I've wondered if they didn't get it, didn't think it was funny, or had heard it hundreds of times before.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TaedW
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2015
🚨︎ report
College

My girlfriend's cousin was visiting for the first time in six years and the following conversation happened:

Girlfriend: "I'm in college right now." Cousin: "Oh, what for?" Girlfriend's dad: "To learn..."

His deadpan delivery of his line like there was really no other possible answer completely sold it.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintlockFreedom
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad at the zoo

My father volunteers at the zoo in Phoenix and so when we visit he loves to give us tours and lots of information about the animals we see.

We were walking by the coati exhibit and he was noting that coati can turn their feet backwards in order to more easily walk down trees. He then turned to my son and said, "their feet kind of look like bear feet, don't they?"

"Yeah," my son answered.

Dad then asked, "do you know why?"

My son was really interested and asked, "why?"

Completely deadpan, my father looked at him and said, "because they don't have any shoes on."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ElkanahLinnell
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Eating lunch with dad

I was sitting at the kitchen table earlier today eating lunch when my dad let out a echoing fart.

I told him "Dad I'm eating lunch"

He looked at me deadpan and without skipping a beat said "Oh don't worry you're not bothering me."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fishyswaze
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2014
🚨︎ report
While watching a flock of geese flying overhead in a V formation.

My Dad says, "Son, do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other?" I said, "No Dad, why?" He deadpans, "More geese on that side."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ParkingLotRanger
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2015
🚨︎ report
My mother isn't usually the dadjoke type...

We're on our way to replace my laptop charger, which overheated and completely fizzled out last night. She's asking me if I can check if it's properly dead or not my plugging it back into my laptop. I'm afraid that the brick is burnt through, which would overload my computer.

"No, Umma. What would I do if my computer starts to fry?"

Completely straightfaced, she mimics holding a spatula and deadpans, "Flip it over."

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JeremyJustin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2014
🚨︎ report
My doctor got me

I went in to urgent care after messing my ankle up

Doc: So, what happened?

Me: I was playing basketball and went up for a board. I landed on someone's foot and now I'm here

Doc [deadpan]: Why was there a board above the court?

I laughed my ass off. His assistant failed to see the humor

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kidsasquarebenny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2014
🚨︎ report
Picking up a girl for a first date

My dad was picking up my mom for their first date. While she was still getting ready, my dad and grandfather were sitting in the living room in awkward silence. My grandmother, cleaning out the refrigerator, said, "Oh! I forgot we had dates in here!" My mother went running to the kitchen exclaiming, "Ohh! Dates!!"

My grandfather looked at my dad and said (deadpan), "Hear that? She's hungry for dates."

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Luckyteela
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
🚨︎ report
Jennifer Lawrence

A commercial came up for one of Jennifer Lawrence's new movies, I looked over at my parents and said "Yeah, I'd go lesbian for her." Deadpan my dad looked at me and said "So would I" He laughed way to hard at his own joke..

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LynaM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2013
🚨︎ report
Driving down the highway...

We see a truck carrying cows or some animals and I ask my dad, "Is that a livestock truck?"

Dad deadpan replies, "No that's soon-to-be-dead-stock truck."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tofuuti
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
🚨︎ report
Query

Me: Hey, I have a question.

Joke Victim: What?

Me: deadpan stare I'm not gonna give it to you... it's mine.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Codoro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2014
🚨︎ report
Overheard this one in the elevator at work

I got into the elevator and two guys were talking and one says to the other "Did you know that soybeans are just mexican beans trying to introduce themselves?". The other guy gave him a deadpan look, I started laughing like an idiot.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/carcrusher
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad told me this when I was about 6.

Me: Dad, who is the most famous guy in the world? (Serious question)

Dad: (Totally Deadpan) John Jacob Jingle-Heimer Schmidt.

Me: Why's he so famous?

Dad: (Again, totally deadpan). His name is my name too.

I don't think he even looked up at me to answer either question, and certainly didn't miss a beat.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jman939
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.