As I was dropping my son off on his first day of school, he worriedly looked at me and asked, “How long do I have to go to school for?” Smiling, I responded, “Until you’re 18 buddy!" He nodded, thought about it for a bit and said...
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you?”
My New Years resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!
I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!
Everyone hates one-uppers. Your day was hard, their day was harder. You got a new job, their job is better. You have 5 bands, they have 6. You went to Tennessee,
They went to elevennessee
I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and asked, “Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?” I answered, “Sure! What are the options?” She smiled and responded...
I did it, I finally did it. After 4 years and 92 days I went from being a father, to a dad.
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
One day Canada is going to rule the world
And on that day we are all going to be sorry
i got home after programming all day and my husband asked me to buy somethings in the grocery store
He said "Buy a gallon of milk, if there are apples, buy 12". Then he got mad at me when i show up at home with 12 gallons of milk.
There used to be a bee hive in a church. One day, suddenly they all left.
It was a bunch of bee-leavers
Wifey had long been suffering from heart ailments, and so we were thrilled to know that they finally found a good match for replacement. On the day of the surgery though, she seemed really nervous. So I asked her..
if she was having a change of heart. She was.
In a couple weeks, all gas stations are going to cut prices in half for a whole day
My kids wanted to spend the whole day of our vacation shopping, which I don’t understand at all.
If you’ve seen one shopping Center, you’ve seen the mall!
I really like mushrooms, but the rest of the family always refused to try it. One day I decided to cook up a stew for dinner and snuck some mushrooms in, and they loved it!
I consider that a morel victory.
I’m meeting my boyfriend for the first time in a few days and wanna bring a poster to welcome him. He loves puns. I need romantic plane puns please.
The other day, I met a genie who granted me one wish. So, I told him: "I just want to be happy."
Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day.
If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.
My granddaughter laid this on me today.....What did the cake say to the frosting on Valentine's Day?
"Without you I'd be muffin."
I'm pretty proud.
I was making a trip to the map store the other day
I went to the hospital the other day because my wife was giving birth. The doctor came out of the room, handed me a baby and said “I’m sorry— your wife didn’t make it.”
I said, “Okay, could you give me the one my wife made?”
I was driving my Skoda the other day and had to stop.
I noticed the Czech engine light was on.
What’s the best day to fly a kite?
Pardon me but I live in France and am writing this by Google Translate. Thank my God for modern day technology. I am speaking French into my phone this moment and I get the English translation. Father, if you are reading this, I need to tell you about my true sexuality and why I have no girlfriend.
It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.
When the baby mosquito got home, he was so excited
“Dad, dad, you were wrong, everyone was happy to see me, they were all clapping for me!”
A lot of people don't know how to drive stick shift these days
They keep making mistakes while shifting, it really grinds some gears
I'd love to wish you a happy Morse code day,
Just learned how to pick locks the other day!
A lot of doors have opened up for me since then.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it.
Day 10 of depositions / witness testimony in the Depp case, and not one person is able to answer this simple question..
An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"
I went to get pizza the other day and they asked if I wanted it cut into eight slices
I told them there’s no way I can eat eight slices in one sitting and had them cut it into four.
Millionaires often have strict routines when they wake up. Here’s mine everyone can relate to, at the beginning of the day,
What is the worst day of the week to be a chicken?
Watching Moon Knight with my kids the other day. The main character says he's going to look for some supplies. he walks to a tent, goes inside, and I yell out:
Supplies!!
And now the best part-. Any time a character in any show does something unexpected, I say the same thing, to the MANY groans and protestations of my kids.
It's great.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
Back in the day, a woman asked the milkman for enough bottles to have a milk bath. The milkman asked her, "Pasteurized?"
She said, "No, just up to my breasts."
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No the steaks are too high."
Every day, a doctor would go to the same bar and order a chestnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender ran out of chestnut and used hickory instead. The doctor came in, sipped it, and exclaimed, “Ew! What is this?!”. The bartender replied:
“That’s a hickory daiquiri, doc!”
I went to the gym the other day and saw a new machine there.
So, I asked the instructor, "What does this machine do?"
The instructor stared at me, looked at the machine and then looked back at me. He said, "Sir, that's a bench."
I replied, "Perfect."
I was asked the other day do I know the words to Wonderwall by Oasis
To be honest, to this day I'm still in love with my last girlfriend.
So it's a pretty good thing she's my wife, huh?
My wife asked if I wanted to hear about her day. I replied, “Sure, I’m on pins and needles. But I have to ask you something first.”
“Why did you leave your sewing kit on the couch?”
Legs are too sore to pull off any April Fools Day pranks.
Just finished an exhausting 31-day march.
I like to think one day everyone in this subreddit will be dropped off by their children at the old folks home (hopefully the same one). Then collectively, we could all look back with fond memories how they were once babies but since then
Took my cat to the vet the other day, he had an upset stomach.
The vet asked me whats wrong with the cat,
I told him he isnt "feline" very good.
(Im sorry im advance)
Was up all night trying to think of a cake day joke, alas I have failed.
I’m in tiers
At least I’m baked.
A son comes up to his dad one day and says "dad, I'm trying so hard to learn German but I'm really having trouble with the gendered nouns!"
Like this table here, how do I know if it's male, female or neuter?
His dad replied, well son in this case it's easy, you just check between the legs!
Just want to tell that guy I met the other day, who is trying to find a source of water for his village
For my New Years resolution, I swore I would be healthier. Stop going to eating burgers every day and go to an MMA gym instead.
I really wanna kick The Habit
There was a tree near my house that all the neighbourhood kids loved to climb. I never understood why for a long time, until one day...
I realized it was poplar.
I got into an argument with my sister the other day. She said it was impossible to make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
