A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmaff90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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Lorraine finally leaves her husband Dave. His open flirting with the new neighbour Deidre, is the last straw..

Dave reads her leaving note and thinks, "Great",

" I can see Deidre now Lorraine has gone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dontmeenafing
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Which piece of the chicken is Dave Grohl's favorite?

THE BREAST

THE BREAST

THE BREAST

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PineBadger
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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But how much would Dave Brubeck want?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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My friend Dave drowned last week.

His funeral is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a throw ring. It's what he would have wanted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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My mate Dave told me he’s started shaving his head to hide his thinning hair.

I think it’s a pretty bald strategy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/littleboypunder
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Poor dave
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jazzy_Games
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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Dave Grohl has a new band.

The Floo Fighters

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πŸ‘€︎ u/G3ffr0
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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"I dropped the toothpaste." Dave said, Crestfallen.
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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Dave and Joe are browsing a Jerusalem dating site.

Dave sees the girl of his dreams and asks Joe, β€œI can’t believe my eyes, is this girl real?”

Joe pats his buddy Dave on the back, β€œYea bud, she Isreal.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Abram_SF
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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What did Dave Grohl say to the priest?

I've got another confession to make!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Breaking-Eggs
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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Mr. T is not a fan of Dave Grohl.

In fact, he pities the foo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coconoose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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Everyone loves my friend Dave who trims maze hedges for a living.

A man like him is hard to find.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
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I recently had some Chinese food with Foo Fighters front man Dave Grohl, and his brother:

Egg Grohl

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stefanhof
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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What does Dave Grohl sing while hes baking?

I've got another confection to bake!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcus1275
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2018
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2 Friends named Ryan and Dave were fixing up a car. They’re Country-Geeks by day, and Racers by night.

Ryan: Are you Finnished yet?

Dave: No, but you bet I’m Russian to fix it! Israelly confusing. Kenya help me out?

R: Sure.

Car makes weird sound

R: Guatemala with the car?

D: I’m Czeching it out, and it seems like something’s wrong with a piston or two. You got any ideas, because Iran out. What a Spain. Oh well, let’s put some elbow Greece and try to finish it by tonight.

R: I hope so. Damn, tonight is a Chile one.

D: Yep, and it’s definitely China distract me.

R: I’m kinda Hungary, I want Togo buy a sandwich or two.

Later

R: Oman, it’s already 9 Pm, there’s Norway that we can fix it by tonight.

D: That’s what we are Guinea find out.

R: I will Taiwan more way to speed things up, but it’s pretty risky.

D: Well, we somehow Ghana find out. 10:30 Pm

R: Ok, Tur the Key!

Car turns on

D: Yes! The Caribb is ean! Uganda be kidding me! I can’t Bolivia did it!

R: Hey, I can’t Belize it either!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnThePekka
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
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Bill and his friend Dave both needed to get some legal documents notarized

Bill and his friend Dave both needed to get some legal documents notarized, so they went to the notary together. Bill asked the notary if he could go first because Dave had quite a few items and Bill had one. The notary said, β€œSorry. You sign affidavit.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vienna_Snausage
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
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Took a girl named Amy on a date to Dave & Buster's...

(Dave and Buster's is an arcade)

She absolutely beat me at any shooting game we played, as well as basketball. Afterwards I told her, "I figured out why you beat me at basketball and those shooting games. I have terrible aim, but you're a little more Amy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mossybeard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2016
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I went to Dave and Buster's and won this, you shocked? i.reddituploads.com/2c0e1…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WorstGabeNA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2016
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Ray Davies, Dave Davies and some friends each hired some personal trainers to figure out a training routine.

At first it was hard but eventually they worked out the kinks.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
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I couldn't believe that Dave Grohl had become a farm worker.

But he was able to provide Foo Tractor authentication.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2018
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Meet Dave, a father of two. imgur.com/kUnNX7p
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StrangeDise
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2013
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Dave, father of two, at it again. imgur.com/a/j9J31#1
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StrangeDise
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2013
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My coworker Dave legally changed his name.

So technically we can correctly say Dave's not here, man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IanGecko
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2016
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Here is some more Dave! (father of two) imgur.com/zdG0r9O
πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StrangeDise
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2013
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