Dammit, I just ate the cat's worming tablets....

Don't ask meow.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Invader_Kilz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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dammit he did!
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattloKei
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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Dammit! I know I have that one half of the ticket which shows I paid!

Sorry, wrong stub.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Oh god dammit
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tudifar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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Dammit Bezos
πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sickwithtylenol
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
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Dammit, I just burned my Hawaiian pizza.

Maybe I should have cooked it on aloha temperature.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Betheaces
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
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πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FFExtraOrdinaire
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2015
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God dammit Dad...

Every time we drove past a cemetery.

"How many dead people do you think are in there?"

"All of them"

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AbsoluteZeroK
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
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Dammit Dad

In a museum gift shop

Dad (picks up a small globe): "I had one of these when I was a kid, I loved it. It meant the world to me"

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waspeater
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2013
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God dammit dad, we're already late.

On bridges in Michigan, there are signs warning motorists of ice that forms over them during the winter months.

When I was a kid, I was riding in the car with my dad one hot summer day. my dad says, "boy is it hot..." as he pulls over on the bridge, unhooks his wristwatch and sticks it out the window. I ask, "what are you doing, dad?" And he says, "didn't you see the sign? 'Watch for ice on bridge'!"

He laughed for a good five minutes as he drove off.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jay-El
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2013
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God dammit MegaMan! (Xpost)

http://i.imgur.com/sVWevH9.png

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatfriar22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
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God dammit uncle Rick

Me: Didn't you do jiu jitsu when you were younger?

Uncle Jerry: No, I did Judo.

Mom: What's Judo?

Uncle Rick: It's what bagels are made of.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tcoons
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2014
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dammit dad...

Called the old man earlier today.

"Hey could you buy something for me today?"

"no"

"huh? why not?"

"I'm pretty sure something is sold out today" click

"Goddamit!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hitno
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2014
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Dammit Dad

http://imgur.com/NVoH9lm

While my dad does not do this i have seen other dad's do it, leave it to beer to know what dad's say, lol.

(BTW this is a X:post from http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/2z9xk6/dammit_dad/ someone directed me here ^^;)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaverickZer0
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2015
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What's the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

πŸ‘︎ 278
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_dan17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe

but if you remove it, you get gravy.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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I’m guilty as charged!
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lechydda
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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It's a vicious cycle
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-wulv
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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Who called it Vagina and not Cockpit?
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSanePanda
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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What do you call a kinky dinosaur?

A Doyouhaveasoreass

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chelseakkay
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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"I'm a strong supporter of the LTPO community...

(Lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion.)"

God dammit, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ASProtag
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

πŸ‘︎ 505
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriezaAndHoushi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I watched Aladdin lastnight

it opened up a whole new world for me.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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What types of apple grow on trees?

all of them

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lil-subedi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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How do you open the safe at the deli?

You use the Italian combo.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainAmerilard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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Spongebob may be the protagonist

But to me, the star is Patrick

πŸ‘︎ 189
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RalGard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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Americans: I broke my foot

The rest of the world: I broke my metre

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xX_WarBlood_Xx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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My wife and I were walking into the supermarket when we saw cherries prominently displayed near the entrance.

Looking at the price, I said to her, "Damn, they're cherribly expensive!".

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.

The doctors described his condition as stable.

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealWingnut
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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I passed my forklift test today. I did very well.

My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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what kind of moron is actually really clever?

an oxymoron

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zoebread
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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What was Jesus’ favorite exercise routine?

Crossfit

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wiseoldmeme
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?

Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_piech_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room...

...a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "SΓ­." "Ja."

πŸ‘︎ 332
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonmokoko
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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Did you know Spock actually has 3 ears?

A left ear

A right ear

And a final front ear

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-taco-rice-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DinkyLinky
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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Ash won’t be in EVIL dead 4! Know what I’m feeling?

It needs more Campbell!!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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What did one plate say to the other?

Lunch is on me

πŸ‘︎ 168
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yashrajt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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Why was hitler hit with a baseball?

Because he did nazi it coming.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sontrii
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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β€œDad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”

Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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What’s the difference between a golfer & a skydiver?

One goes whack...dammit! The other goes dammit...whack!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lights0ut83
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly sliced cabbage.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/teefanie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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What separates men from boys?

from

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-other-alt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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What was Salvador Dali’s favorite breakfast?

Surreal.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JessRabid
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.

Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Here's a little bit of advice.

adv.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnreese421
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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Watt?
πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShinyStache
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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I called the tinnitus help line

It kept ringing

πŸ‘︎ 186
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlopScratch
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert

but I partied like it's $19.99.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCheshireCody
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an American in the bathroom

European

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viv137
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
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Her: Honey, should we buy some vegetables for tonight?

Me: Yes, lettuce!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rasmyn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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