Me: A leopard can't chang its stripes
My son: Dad leopards have spots
Me: well what do you know, they did it!
๐︎ 2
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︎ Sep 14 2019
Got the waitress at P.F. Chang's good a couple weeks ago.
I was out for a nice dinner at P.F. Chang's with a couple buddies to celebrate my birthday. I had decided to order the Shaking Beef, because it sounded delicious (and it was).
The waitress came to take our orders, got to me, and I asked for the Shaking Beef. When she asked how I wanted it, out of impulse, I replied "Shaking, not stirred".
Both of my buddies groaned and gave me shit for the rest of the night, but the waitress laughed, so it went okay. I was, and still am, proud.
๐︎ 78
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︎ Aug 23 2014
The most common surname in China is Chang
๐︎ 43
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︎ May 06 2017
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
๐︎ 10k
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︎ Sep 11 2020
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a personโs aura changes when they die.
๐︎ 153
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︎ Oct 31 2020
Did you hear what happened to the Americans when they changed to Kilograms from Pounds?
There was a mass confusion.
๐︎ 9
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︎ Nov 12 2020
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb...
๐︎ 33
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︎ Oct 29 2020
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One... Or two.
One......... Or two.
๐︎ 162
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︎ Oct 10 2020
Whatโs it called when a chameleon cannot change colors anymore?
๐︎ 15
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︎ Oct 29 2020
Well. After many years I have decided to change my gamer tag to glove.
I just think itโs catchy.
๐︎ 9
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︎ Nov 07 2020
My wife asked me, โAre you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?โ
I said, โActually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.โ
๐︎ 11k
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︎ Jul 14 2020
I just changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice...
Now it just says, "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while. "
๐︎ 5
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︎ Nov 09 2020
Even if Autocorrect changes "Fuck" to "Duck"...
...Its still considered fowl language
๐︎ 167
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︎ Oct 01 2020
Paul got his name changed in the Bible...
๐︎ 5
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︎ Nov 12 2020
Did you know that certain rooms in your house can change your citizenship?
If you go to the bathroom, European
๐︎ 4
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︎ Nov 14 2020
My mail man just had a sex change operation.
I guess I should call him a post man now
๐︎ 40
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︎ Oct 07 2020
I was thinking of changing my major to Physics
Then I can go ahead and be a physician.
๐︎ 3
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︎ Nov 06 2020
When the mystery machine gets a flat tire who has to change it?
๐︎ 14
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︎ Oct 26 2020
I cricked my neck a few weeks ago and itโs changed my life forever.
I havenโt looked back since
๐︎ 33
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︎ Sep 29 2020
A guy told me to keep the change
I dunno, it didn't make much cents to me. I already keep the change I made; I've been the same way for years.
๐︎ 2
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︎ Oct 17 2020
Change
๐︎ 61
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︎ Sep 16 2020
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
Itโs like Iโve never seen herbivore.
๐︎ 11k
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︎ May 18 2020
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
๐︎ 5
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︎ Oct 25 2020
I used to know a mushroom named Gus who was a blast to hang out with. That changed the day his girlfriend left him.
She said she preferred 2 fun-guy over one fun-Gus.
๐︎ 5
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︎ Oct 26 2020
How many developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - that's a hardware problem.
๐︎ 26
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︎ Aug 26 2020
I've been changing pillowcases all day...
๐︎ 2
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︎ Oct 19 2020
My sister said I looked like a German composer and musician of the Baroque period, especially when wearing my powdered wig... So I changed everything and it changed my life!
I haven't looked Bach since!
๐︎ 4
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︎ Sep 29 2020
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
๐︎ 27
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︎ Oct 01 2020
I surprised my family today by changing careers to become a mirror cleaner.
It was something I could always see myself doing.
๐︎ 9
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︎ Oct 02 2020
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
๐︎ 89
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︎ Aug 07 2020
How many Mystery-genre writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
๐︎ 18
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︎ Sep 11 2020
My wife changed our cereal from Cheerios to Frosties, and I only noticed this morning
I felt a little out of the loop on that one
๐︎ 7
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︎ Sep 04 2020
Why did the dime run for President?
Because he kept hearing that people wanted to vote for change.
๐︎ 728
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︎ Nov 03 2020
How many tropical birds does it take to change a lightbulb?
๐︎ 220
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︎ Jul 18 2020
My wife dared doubt my craftsmanship when I was changing over the light switch.
Haha, she's in for a shock
๐︎ 114
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︎ Jul 24 2020
Ever since my sex change my son acts like Iโm not here...
Maybe itโs because Iโm trans-parent
๐︎ 18
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︎ Sep 14 2020
The very first sex change procedures were perfected in ancient Egypt...
...they became quite skilled at making daddy's into mummy's.
๐︎ 18
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︎ Sep 13 2020
After the Sex change operation, The Juggler is too scared to try juggling again.
It seems he doesnโt have the balls to do it again.
๐︎ 13
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︎ Aug 28 2020
Wade Wilson changed profession and got a new nickname:
He is now the taxidriver known as Carpool.
๐︎ 5
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︎ Sep 11 2020
Nurses in the maternity ward donโt want babies to be in shock by the temperature change when theyโre born.
So they make sure itโs set at womb temperature.
๐︎ 6
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︎ Aug 13 2020
My wife said she's gonna leave me if I don't change and stop reading erotic novels
I decided to turn over a new leaf
๐︎ 2
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︎ Sep 29 2020
To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.
I'm definitely not kidding.
๐︎ 10
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︎ Aug 31 2020
Why did the car stop working after it got its tires changed?
๐︎ 11
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︎ Sep 15 2020
How many computer scientists does it take to change a lighbulb?
None. That is a hardware issue.
๐︎ 12
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︎ Sep 11 2020
What do you call a mom who is very clear about wanting to change her gender?
๐︎ 8
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︎ Sep 12 2020
I changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now I have Kenny Loggins.
๐︎ 95
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︎ Aug 27 2020
How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
๐︎ 154
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︎ Aug 06 2020
How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ideally three, but Toucan.
๐︎ 106
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︎ Jul 21 2020
How many opticians does it take to change a light bulb?
Oneโฆor two? Oneโฆor two?
๐︎ 16
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︎ Aug 19 2020
I changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now I have all Kenny Loggins.
๐︎ 169
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︎ Jun 18 2020
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