Diaper Changing Puns

The box says they are good for up to 14 pounds.

I told her, "the box says good for 15-18 lbs! there isn't even 1 lb of poop in there now."

It's 3 am, we're both exhausted, and this tiny child just took the biggest poop!

Me: Wow! That's a hefty diaper!

Husband: Actually, that's a Pampers...Hefty makes trash bags.

Me: groan I'm going to bed!

The worst part is later in the day when I go to the bathroom I have the most overwhelming deja poo.

My son always ninja rolls out of my grasp when he shits his pants. From that point on he is known as "Poopacabra".

We were changing our daughter's diaper after she left a brown present in it. I said "I'll change her and wrote wipe her off if you get her dressed." she said "looks like you got the shit end of the stick" then laughed at her cleverness.

He was #2 in the household pecking order.

Butt up - butt up - butt up butt up butt up butt up butt up!

They all just kinda run together at this point

It says right on the box, "8 to 12 pounds."

But I don't know, he still looks like the same kid to me

Hey guys, relatively new dad here. Pretty proud of myself because this came naturally. My 7 mo daughter, wife and I were hiking yesterday. My daughter was strapped to the front of me, and she started to stink. We found a field to lay her on her changing mat and change her diaper. She had a complete explosion so it required an outfit change. I looked up at my wife and said “looks like I’ll be performing a field dressing”. Corny af I know, but it made my wife laugh 😆!

"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."

The next diaper change could spell disaster.

[Scene: my wife is changing our 9-month-old daughter's diaper.]

Wife: "Ever since she started eating solid foods, her diapers have gotten awful."

Me: "Yeah. Shit just got real."

"After you we're born you pooped your diaper so I changed you."

Changed her diaper and was getting her back into her pink pants.

Looked at her and said, "you're like a precious diamond to me. Like a little Pink Pants-er."

She has no idea what I said, but giggled anyway.

Been away on business for 2 weeks. Came back first diaper change 2 year old son had a blow out, I turn to my wife and say well that was a "poonami" then I got the groan...

My mom was giving me grief about how she used to change my diapers and stuff, to which I replied 'watch it, I'll be changing yours in a few years'

Dad (from the next room): glad to hear you volunteer to to that. It's a real... load...off my back.

Me: that's a pretty... dumpy ...way to treat your son.

Our six month old just pooped. As I was changing his diaper, I told him that he's gotten some on his penis. My husband overhead and proudly proclaimed, "I guess you could say it's a weinerschnitzel!"

The pregnant wife and I were walking around store...

Me: <picking up diaper changing pad> "Do we need one of these?" Wife: "Why would we need one of those?" Me: "Because...you know...shit happens"

I got quite an eyeroll

So my daughter is sick and has been taking antibiotics for the past week. These antibiotics cause some unwanted side effects (unholy diarrhea) that require us to put a paste on her butt that keeps it from getting chapped. This lead to the following brief exchange between my wife and I:

(While she was changing an explosive diaper)

Her: Have you seen the butt balm?

Me: Yeah, it's right there in her diaper...

My wife (changing the diaper): Aquafore? Me: It's a moisturizing ointment for diapers, but that's not important right now.

The last time he did it I was in the middle of a diaper change and my wife was in the room. She remarked "you missed a speck of poo" and I told her, "I can't see crap without my glasses!"

Hardest I have heard her laugh in a while.

My wife walked into our bedroom with our 7 month old to change her diaper. I was behind her headed for the bathroom when she said "hey turn the lights on." I immediatly started rubbing the two little screws that hold the light switch cover on like nipples. The pillow that was thrown at my head let me know I had a successfully completed the dad joke mission of the day!

I was holding my month-old son after dinner and he kept ripping ass (seriously, this kid farts so loudly I get blamed for it). My wife comes up behind me and asks, "so, are you surviving his... ass-ault?" and gives me this shit-eating grin. I groaned, the baby farted, I changed his diaper (as is my duty.. heh heh... duty).

I dad joked my wife last night with the help of our 3mo old daughter.

It was time for Marlene (my 3mo old daughter) to get in to her PJs and get ready for bed. I scooped her up and flew her through the air (making rocket noises of course) and headed upstairs to change her diaper and get her in to her PJs. As I was flying her away from my wife. I said in my "Marlene Voice" (which actually sounds like Cartman),

&gt;"Maam... When I come back, I'm going to be a changed woman!"

So I went and changed her diaper and got her in to her PJs which is a royal purple footed PJ outfit, and flew her back downstairs. When I got back downstairs I said, again in my Marlene voice,

&gt;"Maam! I'm a changed woman! Changed in to a grape! Just don't make me angry!"

And my wife asked, &gt;"Why shouldn't I make you angry?"

To which I replied as Marlene, &gt;"Because then you will have to face my wrath!"