Cashing In Puns

ATM

Now I have ten ants.

He did a lovely job of the landing.

In Las Vegas there are more Catholic churches than casinos? Not surprisingly, many Sunday worshippers will give casino chips instead of cash when the offering plate is passed around. Since the churches get chips from so many different casinos, they have devised a way to collect the offerings. They send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.

Background: My family was at the lake today. The lake was a little choppy today so when we went on the boat we hit one really big wave where the front end of the boat came crashing down hard. My nephew (7) just happened to be sitting on a cup holder and it hurt his butt when we landed.

We got back to the house and my nephew said...

Nephew: my butt hurts. I think its broken.

Me: did I ever tell you about the time I broke my butt?

Nephew: no. Is it still broken?

Me: yeah. There’s a big crack in it still.

He didn’t get it. But all the other adults laughed/rolled their eyes. Stupid joke I know, but I don’t care.

He gave me counter fit money.

There with a company with a lot of travelling salespeople, and they had an accounting procedure that was somewhat unusual. Since the salespeople were driving around a lot, they had to pay a lot of highway tolls. They would get reimbursed for this. Since these expenses were so common, and different from other expenses, they had a series of ceramic tiles that represented the amount of money they paid to take these highways. At the end of the day, after travelling their routes, they would come back and put them in the cash register and take money out to reimburse themselves. But the highways all raised their rates, and so the salespeople would come back with hands full of their tiles. So one Friday, after raised rates and very busy travel, the boss came in to look at the receptionist and her overloaded cash register. He asked her what was going on, and she said:

"The tall tiles in the till tell a tale of tall tolls"

In the end he was just throwing money down the drain.

Wouldn't that be 'money laundering'?

She commented, "that's an odd amount." I told her for being a math honors student, I would think she'd recognize that 46 is an even number.

She rated my comment a 6 out of 10 on the Dad joke scale.

It'll be called Soup or Hero.

The celery was unacceptable.

Just in case

Cashed in their Kreddit!

In his cash shoe.

Guest: "What's your secret?"

Cash: "We go in the yard"

He takes the bill, holds it up to the light, and asks the cashier if it looks alright because he just printed it this morning.

They all use Czechs.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

It's called,Cash in the Addict.

Me: Baby you know you're a criminal now? Her: What? Why? Me: For money laundering...

Her: Go make sure the door is locked

It's a visual one http://i.imgur.com/GGFgAtd.jpg

Pointing his firearm at two cashiers, he shouts “hand over the contents of the cash register! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession...you know, a habitual occupation followed for a livelihood and involving commercial transactions!”

Cashier 1: “What do we do?”

Cashier 2: “Do what he says, I think he means business!”

It cost me an arm and a leg.

and I notice these big 200 pack containers of Tic Tacs, so I point them out to my dad and say "look, that is intense."

And my dad says back, "That's not intense, that's on a shelf!"

I hope I don't get in trouble for money laundering

Persons volunteer to tell jokes and whoever laughs has to pay $5. Since my friends and I were all lovers of quality humor, we accepted this challenge.

The guy proceeds to tell his joke and I've never laughed so hard in my life, my friends had tears in their eyes as well, from this clever witty joke.

We all proceed to grab our cash and pay him to which he replied:

"Don't worry about it guys, the joke's on me"

I gave him my wallet.

A man walks up to a cash register to pay and while his items are being scanned, the cashiers says if he wants the cartons of milk in a bag. The man replies with "No, leave the milk in the carton."

A man fancies himself skilled at writing puns, so when a local newspaper offered $5000 to whomever could write the best pun, the man thought he'd make some quick cash. He spent the next day writing puns and picked out the ten best ones to send in to the newspaper. He figured that at least one of the ten he submitted would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.

Preface: I live in Ohio.

Over the years my dad and I have taken lots of trips together or vacations to different states. Well whenever he goes to pay for something with cash, thinking he's real clever, he asks the cashier if they accept Ohio money. Every. Single. Time. The cashier instantly gets super confused and kinda just stares awkwardly. Despite how dumb the joke is I honestly do get a chuckle out of how uncomfortable the cashiers get lol.

I put in the freezer so I'd have some cold hard cash

We have her parents in town visiting, we also live about a mile from Johnny Cash's old house that burnt down some time ago. My wife was telling her mother about the house and how we could go take a look at it from our boat, she called to me in the back room and asked "Hunny, do you know how Johnny Cash's house burnt down?"

Without a seconds hesitation I yelled back "It was a fire".

I was proud of myself.

So here in the UK we have a game show called the cube were contestants complete challenges to win cash. On Saturday night a contestant came on and she only had one hand. She walked away with £20k.

My sister comes out with she has enough money to buy a new hand now and my dad lays this one on us almost instantly

'she'd have to go to a second hand store'

A large corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO told him to wait right there. He walked back to his office and came back a couple of minutes later and handed the guy $1600 in cash. "Here's 4 weeks pay. Now GET Out and don't come back here!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominoes."

A customer at the major retail corporation I work at picked up our ad while I was cashing him out. Tried to pull one on me...

"they call it a doorbuster sale and there's not a single door in this ad! "

"That's because we busted them all, sir"

Completely straight faced. He walked away laughing his ass off. On an unrelated note I think my girlfriend may be pregnant.

I used to work at a starbucks with my best bud to earn some extra cash after school. Every day an hour or so before closing without fail this older indian man would come in and order two large coffees.

We started to talk with the guy since there weren't many other people in the shop and he told us is name was Haind Sahit and that he was a night worker which is why he drank the coffee. After a while, we would just have the coffee ready for him as soon as he came in the door.

One evening my friend went out back to pick some supplies for refill and had to get something from the top shelf, being a short guy he grabbed an old ladder and started climbing but one of the steps broke and he fell and hit his head pretty hard.

He was rushed to the hospital and woke up a couple days later with no major damages but with a light case of amnesia.

Once he got back on his legs he started working at the starbucks again and as soon as Haind heard, he came back to see how my friend was and stepped up to the desk to greet him. Sadly my friend couldn't remember him at all and just asked what he would like to order. Haind turned around with a tear in his eyes and said "You know, you should really have checked that ladder before you used it".

There was a glimmer in my friends eye and he immediatly started preparing two large coffees. As Haind saw he started smiling and crying and came around the desk to give my friend a hug. He asked my friend "What happened, how did you remember?" and my friend answered "Haind Sahit is always venti venti".

Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

So this group of Irish monks needs to make payments on their belfry, and they've begun to run out of money, so after racking their brains for a few nights, and trying everything they could to get some cash together, they decide to sell flowers to make money. For weeks they sell flowers, and it's going well. Too well in fact, they've begun to run the local florist, Patty O'Flannigan out of town. Well, a bit cheesed at the monks jumping in on his territory, he decides to confront them. He asks them to step off, politely, but they simply respond that, "That's no way to talk to men of God!", and throw him out of their monastery. For weeks this goes on, the monks selling flowers, and the florist getting more and more desperate to make them stop. Finally, he goes to Hugh Mactaggart, the biggest, baddest man in town -- he could get anyone to leave town -- so Patty decides he's the best way to get rid of the monks, gives him the rest of the money, and retires to bed, wary of the results. In the morning, a knock on his door reveals Mactaggart, offering a firm handshake and saying, "They shant be botherin' ya again Patty." The moral of the story is, Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

He made a lovely job of the landing.

Did You Know…

In Las Vegas there are more Catholic Churches than casinos. Not surprisingly some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed In.

This is done by the chip monks.