He was fired recently.
Technically our cannon "shoots eats and leaves".
(As in the oxford comma panda assassin... that "eats, shoots, and leaves")
Anyway I've waited years for someone to appreciate this .... and it has never happened so far. I hope you are slightly amused....
They both destroy ships
He was blown apart.
It was the fall of the roamin' umpire.
then it hit me
Water shame
I've since been banned from the swimming club.
Walk him and pitch to the elephant.
For starters, peanuts wouldn't have been named peanuts
Tastycles
Me: "It's just looking round"
Because not many mice can dance.
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
The Referee said it was a Fowl.
I don't think anyone is shocked.
(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)
She said, “Quit trying to make ‘fetch’ happen.”
Starting to worry it’s not stroganoff 🤦🏻♂️
But Bill kept the Windows
She was told to give them all one test tickle
Then it hit me.
Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.
Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark
An assassin
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.
He earned the nickname “the machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.
And the day he retired a reporter asked him “How does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”
Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. “What do you mean?” He said.
The reporter clarified “literally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”
Hugh looked dejected and disappointed “yeah, my greatest failure...”
“What do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.
Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.
“I’ve been aiming left this whole time”
"That's the goal at least."
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
The ball was dropped at the ball drop.
Walk him, then pitch to the rhino. He’s a sucker for a curveball.
They would be alloys.
A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma’s a pause at the end of a clause.
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
The dad said “it’s a home-in-one”
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
A pool table.
..they make me feel even number.
He was blown apart.
And then it hit me
And then it hit me.
Then it hit me.
