An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
A horse walks into a bar and sits at a stool near the bartender. The bartender goes "Hi Horse, what can I get for you today?"
The horse looks at the bartender and says "Hey"
A bear goes to the bar and says "can I get one whiskey..................and one coke"
The bartender asked "why the big pause"
The bear replies "I was born with them"
This has been a crazy year. After everything that has happened though do you want to know the one thing that I can’t get over ?
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it
Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.
And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.
I can get you a great deal on cremation services....
Whenever I can't work because of lack of connectivity, I get a warm fuzzy feeling
Dad: "Hey, do you know where I can get a vocal ensemble?"
Music Director: "Don't you mean a choir?"
Dad: "Ok, How do I acquire a vocal ensemble?"
“Dad, what is a joke I can post on Reddit to get a lot of upvotes?”
“Hm, that’s a good question, son. I think I have an idea.”
“Okay, dad. What is it?”
“You should post a story about an old man tying balloons to his house to fly away and a Boy Scout joining him as they float down to South America.”
“Why would I post that, dad?”
“Because then when people like it, you’ll get a lot of Up votes.”
My SO: "Can I get you a plate ready for the dinner?"
I need a liver transplant, luckily you can just get them from Amazon these days. It should be arriving today...
The tracker says it's 'out for delivery'
There is a portal I just can't get through.
A computer engineer came to my house. I said, "I can't get aroused by programs and other operating information on my machine."
He said, "Software?"
I said, "In my pants."
I went into a pharmacy today and asked them “what can I get to treat the coronavirus”. The girl replied “ammonia cleaner”
“Oh sorry, I thought you worked here”
So today my son said to me ”can I get a book mark”
After hearing this I burst into tears,it’s been 11 years and he still doesn’t know my name is Derek
A grizzly bear walks into a restaurant and says “Can I get a grilled..............cheese?”
The waiter replies “Why the big pawse?”
...
“Because I’m a bear”
"Dad, I don't really get it.. Can you tell me what is a Solar Eclipse?"
Don’t want to get political, but I simply can’t resist a good pu(ti)n
I can’t decide if I should get a new matress
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life....
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long.
Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
I want to get my buddy a good present but all I can find is a painting that has a prostitute saying, "1,2,3,4..." and I don't think he'll like it.
But it's the thot that counts.
A man walks into the Drs office with a duck on his head. The doctor says "What can I do for you today?" The duck says "Doc, can you get this guy off my tail?"
A man goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor I swallowed a key. Can you please get it out of my belly?”
The doctor asks: “When did you swallow it?”
“About 3 years ago.”
“Really? Why are you coming this late?!”
“Well… I lost my spare key.”
I’ve always wondered— What is the oldest age that a person can get a circumcision?
I just want to know the cutoff date.
My daughter wants the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she can have one if she gets good grades, does her chores and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone because
It's my way, or the Huawei
[Request] I need every skeleton/bone related pun you can think of for an upcoming D&D session...I want to really get under my players skin and give them a good ribbing!
Boy, my wife. I can barely get a word in edgewise. Yesterday I said to her, “I’m sorry...
...did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?”
Son: dad, can I have some change to get a tattoo of a dollar bill on my face?
Dad: that doesn’t break a dollar for me
Son: wait what?
Dad: it doesn’t make any cents
I went to a $15 all-you-can-eat buffet and when I got up to refill my plate, the manager said that I wasn’t allowed to get seconds.
I said, “What happened to ‘all-you-can-eat for $15?’”
The manager said, “That is all you can eat for $15 dollars.”
[At work] Me: "Hello, sir, what can I get for you?" Customer: "Give me a few seconds."
Me: "Seconds are going to cost extra."
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?
"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can i get you?"
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?
"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?
"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
A weasel walks into a bar, The bartender says “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel in here before, What can I get you?”
A weasel walks to the bar. The bartenders says "Wow, I've never served a weasel before! What can I get you?"
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?
"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"
A weasel walks into a bar . The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?
"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says “Wow! I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get for you?”
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender was amazed, he said “wow I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get you?”
A weasel walks into the bar. The bartender says wow! In all my years bar tending I’ve never seen a weasel in a bar before. What can I get for you?
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