Why could the actor never read their lines from cue cards?

Because they kept trying to read between the lines

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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I was about to shoot some pool with my friend Jacques and asked him, β€œHey, where is your cue?”

He said, β€œIt’s between the c and the u.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she’s in love with me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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Cue the Valentine's Day posts v.redd.it/0eqavgouhig21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nanimator7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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That was my Cue to make a pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Graeme171
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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Cue the dramatic music
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
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I saw my friend Jacqueline standing next to a pool table. I asked her, β€œWhere is your cue?”

She said, β€œRight after the C.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
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So we're having a roast dinner; cue stupid dad joke.

Having roast pork for Sunday dinner, which needed to be scored to make crackling:

Mum: The meat needs to be scored.

Dad: 5 out of 10.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghostunicorn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2014
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My therapist says that I often misread social cues.

I’m not sure why she is hitting on me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2018
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Just shit a cue ball into a guy at the bar.

Apologized and said "sorry I'm drunk " he said "nice to meet you drunk I'm drunk too"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fattzilla
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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Dadjoked this morning. Cue sporadic fits of laughter.

Me: I feel bad for Mitt Romney. Mitt is such a stupid name. What kind of parent names their kid Mitt?

Dad: Well gee, I think it fits like a glove!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2014
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Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Dad: Son, have you seen my eye drops?

Son: Oh. Looks like I dropped them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LikeTheHurricane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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I have a friend named bob

Me:Bob has no arms

Me:knock knock

Six year old: Who's there?

Me: not bob! (Cue laughter)

Six year old: bob who?...

Fuck it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nephrenra
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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What’s the collective noun for a group of Japanese calligraphy comedians?

Comic sans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Octopus-Pawn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Did you hear that Bob Barker died?

He got hit by a brAND NEW CAAAAAR!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/millre01
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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Drunk driver overturned his van on road carrying snooker equipment.

Police says he is under a-rest and there is cues a mile long.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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There’s a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid

He says he can stop anytime

(Cue the ba dum Chi thing)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hey_thereDude
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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What do you call a guitar used to play pool?

A cue stick

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovepuns
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Got played by my niece the other day

I was on the couch, visiting with family. My niece is about 2 or 3. She grabs my hand and says "Ewwwwwwwwwww"

Confused, I responded "Eww?"

And as if on cue, she looks down and spits directly into my palm, with a small piece of food for good measure.

Ah...."Eww."

Her dad sitting next to me on the ps4 looks over and asked what happened. I explained what happened and we both laughed. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. It wouldn't surprise me if she becomes a stand up comic one day, or at least the class clown.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marcofromda510
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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This one got a chuckle today

We’ve been hanging out with family this weekend, my daughter comes up to me looking for her cousin.

Her: β€œWhere’s Noah?”

Me: β€œI have Noah-dea”

Cue laugh from the daughter, groans from the adults.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanillaacid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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So i pulled this one off at dinner last night

Story tme: Last night, my family went to a fancy steak dinner to celebrate a bunch of stuff, and i was pulling my normal dad jokes, when I thought of the best one yet. So, i told everyone i thought of a great joke and was waiting for the steaks to arrive to tell it. They thanked me for warning them.

Cue steaks arriving and I pull an ice cube out of my glass of water and put it on my steak, saying:

Y'know, this is just icing on the steak!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blaidd_Golau
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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People who make soda jokes must know a lot about pop culture.

People who make soda jokes must know a lot about pop culture.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/USAneedsAJohnson
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2017
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I grounded my kids for 6 months when they were caught cow-tipping.

I really want to teach them to respect the udderly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeluxeCanuck
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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I really didn't like "despicable me" movies in the begining

But it Gru on me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_xXFURYXx_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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A man got a vasectomy without telling his wife. When she finds out about it, she is livid. "Are you serious?" She screams.

"Yes, I'm not kidding you."

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2016
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I may get fired or promoted... not sure...

My boss was complaining she really needed a nap. I told her she should just go take one.

Boss "Oh yeah cause taking a nap right now would be so easy."

Me "Its so easy you can do it with your eyes closed..."

Cue her rolling her eyes and shaking her head. My director peaked his head out and nodded approvingly though. Respect.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anix421
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2017
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My third son was born yesterday morning, 3 weeks early.

The nurse, my wife, and my mom discussing how he "came so early"

I interject with "I guess you could say he has a problem with, premature evacuation"

To my surprise they all actually laughed hard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_little_too_late
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
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My dad always orders a "honeymoon salad"

Just lettuce alone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dewy61746114
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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GF: I love you

Me: I love the sequel GF: ....... Me: I love you 2 cue groans

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/solipsistmaya
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2016
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Talking to my dad about weird dreams.

Me: "Whenever I dream I have trouble seeing in them".

Dad: "Well you should be sleeping with your glasses on then".

Me: queue sighs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lakesideacid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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Airbender, Waterbender...

The girlfriend and I were in the car yesterday with her two young kids in the backseat. They were talking about what sort of "bender" they wanted to be.

Girl: "I would be an airbender!"

Boy: "I'm a waterbender."

Just then a truck passes us, driving a bit wildly.

Me: "That guy wants to be a fenderbender."

Cue evil glare from girlfriend.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomwithweather
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2016
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I asked my girlfriend what book she was reading

She replied "It's a mystery."

I said "Doesn't it say on the cover?"

Cue eye rolling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leasedweasel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2016
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My girlfriend got me pretty good today.

I opened the cabinet to pull out the chocolate syrup when I noticed a chocolate fingerprint on the top. I jokingly asked her if she did that to mark it as hers since she had told me she might have to hide it to keep me from using it all. So, we go back and forth over whose fingerprint it is when she grabs it and takes it over to the dog. She holds it up and goes, "Eddie, look. Whose is that?" Of course, he's a dumb dog, so he just whines and wags his tail. She then comes back to me and says, "I sent the fingerprint to the Lab, results came back inconclusive." Cue long sigh.

Edit: Damn...

Edit 2: The Lab

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Really_Dont_Know
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2015
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A man ran through the waiting room, barged into the doctors office and said "Doctor, help me quick I've swallowed a pool ball."

The doctor looked at him crossly, pointed out of the door and said "get to the end of the cue!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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Just got my daughter with this one.

I started singing Karma Chameleon and my daughter sys "Thanks dad, that'll be stuck in my head all day now"

I said "No it won't, it'll come and go"

Cue disgusted look at my cackling laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/overkill
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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(want to annoy coworkers on a slow day?) "Hey, can you call a wizard or a knight in shining armor?"

[cue confused looks]

"Because, today is a draggin'!" (dragon)

[cue "I hate you" looks and/or painful eye-roll]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feddny
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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My girlfriends's dadjoke on computer specs completely blindsided us last night.

"I wonder if quad core or duo core matters much..."

"Well, Apple's have a single core, and they run fine."

*Cue groaning

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cofenn
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2015
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I’ve reached peak Dad!

Went to the outdoor ice rink yesterday with my wife and son. Ran into our friend Rosy and her kids who were just leaving. Rosy said they had fun but were cold now so had to leave. I responded β€œyea you look cold. Your cheeks are...........rosy” cue my wife’s loud groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deep_6d
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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So I was in work the other week.....

We were put onto maintenance detail whilst the line was down, so I’m given a set of overalls to wear. After I threw β€˜em on I was asked β€œhow are they for you mate?” I paused and saw my opportunity to prove my β€˜dadness’ and replied β€œoverall they’re pretty good!” Cue all the groans from the 15 lads! Yes, nailed it!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jenko_85
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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Dadjoked by a customer yesterday.

I was working the counter yesterday and we had an exceptionally long line for a Wednesday. There was one customer who was taking forever to finish up the transaction. When I got to the man next in line, I Immediately apologized.

"Sorry for the wait, Sir."
"Oh, I haven't stepped on a scale in years. Has it gotten that bad?"

cue facepalm

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cry_ery_tyme
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
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Why did the 8-ball go into the corner pocket?

It took its cue from the white ball.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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My dad got me good on my birthday... imgur.com/nJVkfOL
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saysNOtoBADposts
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2013
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Dad joked at work

I work at a hardware store and this guy comes in looking for bolts, so I take him over to where we have our bulk screws/bolts etc. I then ask the guy,

"What size bolt are you looking for?"

"1/4"

"And how long would you like it?"

"Oh well I'd like it forever if that's possible."

Cue laughter from the both of us and groans from my boss in the next aisle.

Edit: making things make more sense

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaoticTheory57
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2015
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What do you call a bunch of green veggies and Dr. Strange’s first line?

Cue-Cumberbatch

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marvinli
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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