A list of puns related to "Best Night of My Life"
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itâs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itâs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donât think itâs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereâs a new type of broom out, itâs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canât tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itâs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnât control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit âĄDad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donât think theyâll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donât turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itâs a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
âEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, âThe good news is..itâll feel better when it quits hurting.'â
Whatâs brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itâs tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
âIâll call you later!â- âPlease donât do that. Iâve always asked you to call me Dad!â
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
âMy dad literally told me this one last week: âDid you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.ââ
âWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, âNo, just leave it in the carton!ââ
I got so angry the other day when I couldnât find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book Iâve ever read, Iâd say: âWow, thatâs coincidental.â
Iâm not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build itâs house? Igloos it together.
âMe: âDad, make me a sandwich!â Dad: âPoof, Youâre a sandwich!ââ
âI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
âHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyâre all girls, otherwise theyâd be uncles.â
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth â its pasteurized before you even see it
âWhatâs Forrest Gumpâs password? 1forrest1â
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: âDonât worry; this is a piece of cake.â I said: âNo, itâs a math problem.â
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I donât play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iâm just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit âĄHow do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Whereâs the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history â with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
If it werenât for C, weâd all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who donât.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.
An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks âmay I join you?â
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft⌠and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Itâs a hardware problem.
I named my hard drive âdat assâ so once a month my computer asks if I want to âback dat ass upâ.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as sheâs been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I changed my password to âincorrectâ. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say âYour password is incorrectâ.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Itâs ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didnât know who he was.
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didnât have internet.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar
... keep reading on reddit âĄWhy didnât the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Whats green and smells like bacon? Â Kermit the Frogâs finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Â Kevin Bacon
If you canât get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, youâre bacon my heart melt.
What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.
First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trumpâs cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.
Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.
If Kevin Bacon doesnât whisper âHere comes the Baconatorâ before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost
Iâll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge thatâs not bacon
If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?
This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.
If we donât build a wall on our northern border, theyâll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.
I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.
My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaverâŚbecause Iâm Canadian.
When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know youâre getting extr
... keep reading on reddit âĄWhy couldnât the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
For Halloween Iâm going to write âLifeâ on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
This Halloween, the only Candy Iâm interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
âHalloweenâ = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Iâll be your trick if youâll be my treat.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Whatâs a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A âhollow-weenie!â
Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).
How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.
Iâm going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do⌠by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, âA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?â The other monster replied, âBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.
The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something youâre not will lead to a sweet reward.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, itâs Election night.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so Iâm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.
What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!
What do Italianâs eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)
Why canât the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when theyâre hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!
What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope itâs Halloween!!
What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.
Pic will be found in the comments below
Last night, as I was getting ready to cook dinner, I received a mysterious phone call from a number I didn't recognize and I naturally let it go to voicemail. Surprisingly the mystery caller did leave a voice message and several minutes later I got this text. To eliminate all possibilities I proceeded to listen to the voicemail and ensure it was indeed someone important to me. It was both of my parents(they like to put me on speakerphone so they can talk to me simultaneously) informing me of my Dad's new cellular device.
Now, as far as i can tell, my Dad has never sent a text msg in his life. He's been retired for 10+ years and he loves to talk on the phone to friends and loved ones for hours. He has no reason to text. I also wouldn't put him into a general category when it comes to dad jokes. Meaning he might not have enjoyed this as much as I. So, after much deliberation I decided to welcome my Dad to the world of SMS the only way I felt was appropriate to the relationship we share.
Also, one of my favorite of his sayings is referring to my best friend as suave(Ss-wave) and debonair (De-boner.)
Oh and don't let your meatloaf.
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