Iβm a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....βlooks like you have the best jobβ he says, βwhy is that?β I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
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︎ Aug 06 2020
Auditoriums are specially designed so that sound will bounce around the walls and ceiling in order to be projected to the audience. However, if you place a pigeon on the stage, the coo of said pigeon will not bounce.
This is because of a-coo-sticks.
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︎ Jul 17 2020
If youβre ever trying to do something unexpected, donβt steal someoneβs abacus. Theyβll be counting on that.
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︎ Jul 09 2020
Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
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︎ Jan 05 2020
Being a wheelchair user must be wheelie hard to move on especially when someone walks out on you
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︎ May 07 2020
Did you know the Apollo 11 astronauts arm wrestled to decide who would be the first man on the moon?
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︎ Jun 19 2020
What to text when you're not going to be on time...
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︎ May 26 2020
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"
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︎ May 24 2019
(At parole hearing) Officer: Why should you be released early? Man: I'm... Officer: Go on. Man: I think... Officer: Yes? Man: Can I please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
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︎ Nov 12 2019
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︎ Sep 11 2019
What do you call three cats standing on top of each other, wearing a trench coat, pretending to be human?
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︎ Sep 11 2019
If you'd have to put a number on how much your dog barks every day, it would probably be a ruff estimate.
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︎ Nov 01 2019
Iβm looking for punny popsicle names. Iβd like them to be a play on actual names like Pop Ross, Mary Pop-pins, Pop Seger, Albert Ice-stein, Freezy F Baby, David Pop-perfield, and Iggy Pop. Iβm particularly interested in playing upon the names of historical female figures. Help please and thank you!
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︎ Jul 18 2019
[Interview] βIt says here on your resume that you used to be in the theatre. What made you leave?β
βWell, the movie ended, so...β
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︎ Jul 18 2019
When I was little I saw this kid in my neighborhood dragging around a loaf of bread on a leash. To be funny, I said βHey, you have a beautiful dog!β, he responded,
βThanks, itβs pure bread!β.
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︎ Jun 06 2019
Dogs be like "I've put a smell on you and now you're mine"
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︎ Feb 19 2019
When you really want to live life on the edge and be healthy
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︎ Feb 17 2019
My wife and I love to go on dates, but we always do what she wants. Today she asked me, βIf you had to pick any date, what would it be?β
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︎ Jan 04 2019
If you expect me to force you to stay on top of a ladder youβll always be disappointed
Iβll let you down every time
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︎ Oct 05 2018
If you find someone who is taking a dump on a boat, would they be known as a
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︎ Mar 20 2019
Did you hear about how much space a house gets to be built on?
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︎ Nov 29 2018
You know son, I'd really be proud if you could take on my work as a farmer, but don't worry about what kind of farming...
There are so many fields to chose from
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︎ Sep 05 2018
Fool me once shame on you, teach a man to fool me and Iβll be fooled for the rest of my life
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︎ Dec 17 2017
If you put a horse on a balance beam, would it be called a gallop pole?
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︎ Jul 27 2018
Do you know why I allowed a police station to be built on my property out in the Styx?
Cause I've got too much crime on my lands.
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︎ Mar 01 2018
I used to have a driver's license from Arizona. They had a neat symbol on them if you opted in to be an organ donor.
I don't live in AZ anymore, but you know what they say, once a donor always Sedona!
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︎ Mar 27 2018
If you are on a plane, you must be powerful...
because you know people in high places.
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︎ Sep 14 2017
If your dad tells a joke and you turn it back around on him, you may be able to witness a groan man.
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︎ Jul 28 2016
What do you call a shirt that can be drawn on many times, without getting dirty?
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︎ Feb 21 2016
I was trying to be edgy on facebook. you win dad.
http://i.imgur.com/qdYoTAk.png
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︎ Feb 02 2017
If you had a dad-joke themed restaurant, what would be on the menu?
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︎ Apr 17 2015
You can't name your son jack, no one will be able to say hi to him on a plane.
Hijack
My dad literally just said this to me. Lol.
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︎ Apr 17 2015
Depending on your date format, if you worked yesterday you could claim to be working twentyfour/seven.
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︎ Jul 25 2015
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
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︎ Dec 17 2019
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