Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.
But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?
Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
π︎ 39
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︎ Nov 18 2020
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says βyou must be singleβ and I respond with βhow did you know?β
She responded, β because you are ugly!β
π︎ 206
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︎ Jul 31 2020
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, βAs a young boy was your mom strict with you?β I told him, βTo be honest,...
β...my mother was never a young boy.β
π︎ 211
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︎ Jul 30 2020
What do you call a candy which doesn't like to be with others?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
What do you call someone with large nipples who used to be a reporter?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
Do you feel like a thing that is borrowed, especially a sum of money that is expected to be paid back with interest?
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 03 2020
If you ever have to cancel plans with friends your excuse should be that you have to wash your hair in a lukewarm shower with high quality dandruff shampoo.
At least that way your friends can never call you flakey.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
It used to be free to fill your car tire up with air. Now it coasts 1.50. You know why?
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 08 2019
I went out hiking with a friend once but was drastically unprepared, I was shivering. He said to me, you must be a dwarf from South America
Because you're looking a little chilly
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 21 2020
Her: Iβm done with you. You are way too old to be obsessed with being a tennis umpire!
Me: Iβm only forty, love.
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 15 2020
What do you call a mushroom thatβs fun to be with?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 15 2020
Today while discussing game meats and a kangaroo stew I made a few years back, my coworker pointed out that with the Australian wild fires you wonβt be able to get much kangaroo meat these days...
My reply without missing a beat β youβll be able to buy it, you just wonβt be able to buy it rare.
π︎ 13
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︎ Jan 10 2020
My wife sighed, "Why does everything have to be a game with you?"
"An excellent question sweetheart!" I said. "But next time, please use the buzzer!"
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Nov 19 2017
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, "You know, people living in Denver can't be buried there" and I look at him and ask him "Why?"
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
π︎ 45
π
︎ Jul 02 2019
My best friend keeps telling me to βcheer up man. It could be a lot worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole filled with waterβ
π︎ 56
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︎ Jun 10 2019
If you want to be wise with your money, don't buy any belts
Because it will just go to waist.
π︎ 184
π
︎ Oct 28 2018
Kid: I'm going to be frank with you, bu- and if you say "Hi Frank, I'm Dad!" I'm gonna be super pissed!
Okay, gonnabesuperpissed.
π︎ 78
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︎ Nov 06 2018
My daughter screeched, βDaaaaaaaad!! Can't you just be serious for once?! Why does everything have to be a game with you!?β
I replied, βAn excellent question, my dear!! But next time, please use the buzzer!!β
π︎ 334
π
︎ Mar 14 2018
It is with deepest regret that I have to inform you all, my poultry dating site will be closing down,
as I can no longer make hens meet!
π︎ 47
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︎ Aug 13 2018
My 2 year old is playing with Lego and I said "are you going to be an engineer?" my wife says we always need more engineers!
I said "yeah, engines are quite deaf"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 06 2019
What do you give a guy with a cold that is pretending to be a government agent?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 02 2019
To be frank with you,
Hi, my name's Frank. What's yours?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 30 2019
Doctor: I canβt seem to find what is wrong with you. But it could be the excess alcohol consumption.
Man: No worries. Iβll come back when you are sober.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 30 2019
Wife told me βTonight, youβll be able to see Uranus with the naked eyeβ
I replied that all I need is a mirror...
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 20 2017
If you want to learn how to rave, it can be taught with Es.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 25 2018
I want to be frank with you guys
But I'd have to change my name first
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 07 2015
Watched my pregnant wife walk over to the fridge and pull out a bottle of Poland Springs. As she was coming back sit down I said "Shouldn't you be holding that with both hands?"
"We wouldn't want your water to break."
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 24 2016
My dad is Irish, whenever you tell him something like "be careful with that powertool" or "don't forget to water the garden" he will respond with..
What do you think I am? Irish
π︎ 31
π
︎ Aug 14 2013
My wife stared icily at me and grumbled, βWhy does everything have to be a game with you?!β
I shouted, βAn excellent question, my dear! But next time, please use the buzzer!β
π︎ 24
π
︎ May 10 2018
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