How do locomotives know where they're going?
You know why locomotive always win with the car?
Because all they do is training
I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work.
She said how do you know he was headed to work?
My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working so I threw it into the lake.
My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
What do you call a pencil that doesn't work?
What is it called when old-timey locomotives work together?
Only works when spoken instead of typed out
Why did I stop and take a shot of vodka when I was running late to work?
That's what I do when I'm Russian
Once, when working in a store, a man dressed as a a wizard approached the counter...
He said "Do I get any money off for having this big stick?"
I said "No sir, we don't offer staff discount".
This ice truck on my way to work.
Hopefully atleast this meme works
My wife called me at work and told me one of our envelopes is giving her an attitude
I told her I will address it when I get home
Boss can’t see her employee’s hard work
I was going through the checkout when my card didn't work. The cashier said that I should try the card again.
I looked down at my shirt and said, "but I like my polo".
I had to explain it, but once she got it she thought it was hilarious. I'm very proud of this joke.
Train derails in New Mexico, killing 23 people
It must have had a locomotive.
I was walking home from work, talking to my husband on the phone. He asked me where I was. I said I passed a garden full of gnomes. He said he knew the one I was talking about.
I said "So it's a well gnome garden".
I laughed harder than he did.
I have a rare condition that means I never get days off from work.
It’s due to my weekend immune system
When I was younger I had to work in a cheap pizza shop to get by.
What do you call a depressed locomotive?
When 2 things just work together perfectly they're a
What do you call a holy man who works at McDonald's?
My mechanic is 87 years old and he still works 40 hours a week.
Whenever he says "I'm ready to retire," his boss puts him right back to work on another car.
I refuse to believe that my road work father was stealing from his job.
But when i got home all the signs were there.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works..
What works faster than a calculator?
What do you call a guy working at the library?
So I used to work at an orange juice factory...
But I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
My friend wanted to work at a cemetery
I told him it was a dying business.
When I was working at McDonald’s I had to wait on an NBA team.
My parents always pushed me to get a big job. So i worked at a soda company just to sprite them.
There were 30 cows and 28 chicken. How many didn't?
Which Star Wars character works in a restaurant?
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun.
Big deal. I have had a Canon printer for years.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
Why was the broom late for work?
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
I came home from work upset. "My boss fired me because I expressed my opinion," I told my wife.
She said, "That's a human right."
I said, "Yes, my boss is a human."
What do you call a cocoa seed that is late for work ?
What do you call an alligator interested in detective work?
Do locomotive engineers ever actually do their job?
Or are they always just training?
My wife works with birds at the zoo. The other day I asked her about the lifespan of a falcon. She said they usually live for about 15 to 20 years.
"I guess that means all the Millennial Falcons are gone."
This is the last thing I need
Why was the locomotive so fit?
I told my niece that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
She said, "How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”
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