Auguste Puns

My son replied, “Why would I lie to August? That’s not nice.”

I got dad-schooled.

July-ed!

Me: "Hey dad!"

Dad: "Son?! What?! How are you alive?"

Me: "Huh? Of course I'm alive."

Dad: "But it's a solar eclipse - there's supposed to be no son!"

So glad that 7-8-2020

(Non-Americans feel free to post on 7 August)

A leotard.

Hopefully I get gold by then

Edit : Next pun*

Or are Julying to me?

It's August

Because they don't have Arrrrrs in them!

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a bo

The truck driver comes to a stop. The woman in the car behind him gets out of her car and knocks on the truck driver's window:

"Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!"

The truck driver is confused and continues his path until the next stop. The woman knocks on his window again.

"Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!"

The truck driver is even more confused and continues to drive. At the next stop, the woman comes to knock again on his window.

"Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!"

The truck driver gets angry and says:

"Would you please shut up! I'm putting salt on the road!"

12. January 2nd, Feburary 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd & December 2nd.

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

What day does a soldier hate the most?

March 4th!

Because it's August.

The people say that the lions come at the end of August with such regularity, they can begin to prepare for winter on the day they arrive. After all, The Pride comes before the fall.

"There's going to be an eclipse in August. Don't look at it with a naked eye. Make sure you're wearing clothes...."

Whenever I see something with an expiration date that has a ridiculous time a lotted for consumption I will say... For instance today is august 16,2013 If i buy cereal today that expires on november 2015 I will say "we have to hurry up and eat this by november 2015!" Hahaha...crickets

My grandparents were at a dinner theater show. The premise is that it was a wedding reception. It was in August. The actor playing the minister was standing next to Grammy and Papa's table, mopping sweat from his forehead. Papa': Good evening, reverend. Are you by chance Presbyterian? Actor: No...why do you ask? Papa': You appear to be "presbyreing"

I went to the hardware store and told the attendant that I needed a hose. He asked, "How long?" I said, "At least until the end of August."

A girl was running to catch the bus wearing a fur coat - in AUGUST. Me: "is she crazy? She must be Russian." Him: " Well I guess she wasn't Russian enough for that bus. Heh heh heh!"

I was talking about their wedding last August. Apparently, it was the first time my dad heard me talk about them (or at least paid attention).

Dad: If you say Taylor and Taylor real quick, does that make it... sly grin ...Taylor Swift?

Mom and I: OH MY GOD.

Dad: You called?