Attendant Puns

"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."

He says it has it ups and downs.

He said he liked wearing his wife’s shoes when she wasn’t home.

Put me in coach.

I wanna commit suislide

The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."

All I asked was "How much for one night stand ?"

... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

He said "inflation".

“No, Fred, nice to meet you”

The steaks are high.

But none of them seem to have landed.

Parking attendant: you can't park here.

Me: But all these other cars parked here.

Parking attendant: they didn't ask.

Fortunately, my injuries were super fish oil

So i turned round and punched him first.

"Put me in coach"

Apparently you are not allowed to do that if the baby is yours.

Ugh, I hate flying, I never have enough legume

Attendant: Sir, that’s a mirror.

He's really moving up in the world.

"Sorry about the rough landing, it wasn't the captain's fault, it certainly wasn't my fault, it was the asphalt"

It was the Asphalt."

The whole flight lost it. It was glorious :)

"Excuse me, how long will it take before we arrive at our destination?" The attendant responds : "Just one minute sir" "Wow! That's really fast"

They always made him put their carrion overhead.

I don't think his stand-up career is ever gonna take off.

I know you guys are trying to be cool but I need to get to the ice

When she asked me to RSVP for +1 at a wedding this summer:

Well if all goes well, your availability will be up in the air.

The bus ride to the station had been very stressful. I spent the entire time worrying if the bus even stopped at the train station. I ended up spending nearly an hour making two loops around the city before I finally realized that I had to hop off near the station. Public transport. Jesus.

I'd missed the train I wanted to catch due to my hour-long bus ride, so I had some time to kill before the next one arrived. It had been cold and raining when I left in the morning, but by lunch time it was warm and I was sweating, standing on the station in a big yellow hoodie and jeans.

I had overslept and skipped breakfast earlier, so I resolved not to let the loud farts coming from the old man next to me kill my appetite. I was desperate for a snack.

Initially the vending machine told me it would accept "EXACT CHANGE ONLY". Slightly annoying, but no real problem: I just fished out my change, inserted some alternative coins and punched in the number. I watched the object of my desire inch forwards, ready to drop into the bottom where I could collect it. For some reason I was terrified that it might get stuck. Robbed by a robot, how embarrassing. Luckily the packet fell into the tray. Finally something was going my way.

As I reached into the bottom of the machine and pushed open the metal door, it suddenly stuck. It was wedged in place and the gap was too small for my snack to fit through. "Motherfucker..." I whispered under my breath.

But I was too invested to give up now. Determined not to be beaten by a bloody machine, I pulled hard and the packet burst, spilling chips into the tray. I managed to salvage about half of the crisps and ate them greedily. Partially crushed, but still deliciously cheesy.

At this point it occurred to me that perhaps I should tell the station operator that the vending machine was broken. I walked up to the ticket office and saw a bored, tired looking man in his forties. "I just thought I'd let you know the vending machine is jammed," I announced.

The attendant got up, walked over over to the vending machine and gave it a solid kick, dislodging the little metal door which had foiled me. When he turned to me again his expression had changed from boredom to amusement. "So what flavour was it then? Strawberry?"

I groaned, but couldn't resist a smile.

I knew it was going to be a good day.

To which the lift attendant replied: "Maybe not, but I brought you up didn't l?"

He said "inflation".

Hi, I'm Peter the Parker.