For me, I yearn for more closeness with my therapist (in normal professional ways!) but find it distressing when I do things that lessen the distance. I usually try to tell my therapist when it's too much, and they make adjustments that remind me I lead and am in control. We work with a slight distance until I yearn for the closeness again and have a few good months of therapy where I feel really safe, connected and see good progress.
My therapist is really really great and I trust them completely and want to be closer but the thought is terrifying. I'm currently looking for excuses to push them away as many painful personal things came up over the break that I don't want to talk about. I would rather cancel our session so we don't talk at all, though I know if I turned up my therapist would never push me to discuss anything and I would lead our conversations.
Ugh, I wish this was easier! Haha
This is just a reflection on, I guess, what I feel like mid-progress. 10 months ago I started with therapy. I will continue to go until I feel I am done, and I am not done yet.
I have moments when I feel strangely disoriented from who I was and who I am today. I see almost two images of myself; one in which I am imprisoned, another in which I am free to dance in the garden. All this attachment work and therapy has made me feel like I am reweaving the tapestry of my memories and internal reflections, and I feel both sort of liberated and strangely new to myself. I also have flare ups of some depersonalized body sensations. I have not experienced these strong physical sensations in years, so I am also in fysiotherapy atm, but I had a memory recall that "this is how I'd feel back then, but just typically every day". Sometimes I feel not sober, or I feel like my hands are numb and on the wrong sides, or that my feet are like pillows. On such days, going to work or the supermarket is a bit of a challenge. But the FOG, that awful fog, in which I used to be only half conscious of what I was even doing because I was so auto-pilot on survival mode, when everything feels like molasses, that is falling away. It's like a calm comes over me but also another respect and realization about how fucked up a lot was, and that makes me feel such a duality between my relief that "maybe I am already where I want to be" and my grief over "omg how horrifying, and fuck these assholes".
Have anyone of you played the game Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice? That game was so cathartic to me.
If you'd like to ask questions or share your own progress update, please feel free to use the space. I don't have a specific question, but if anyone can relate, I'd feel a bit more "normal" :)
Hey everyone, I am a mechanical engineering student working on my senior project. My idea is to create an attachment for a power drill to turn it into a therapy gun to be used for workout recovery, muscle pain, lactic acid build-up, rehab, and that sort of thing. I know you can buy these guns, but the decently powerful ones are very expensive. You can also make your own but you have to have your own jigsaw, which is not as common as owning your own power drill. I’m just trying to figure out if my idea would be useful or not so I know whether to go through with it. So, would you personally like to have an attachment like this? Any thoughts, tips, or suggestions would be appreciated.
Hi,
Upon reflecting since the termination announcement I looked back at the notes I started writing last March in day-to-day life as I couldn't identify my emotions or keep track of how I felt naturally in the moment. It is kind of sad in a way, I spent over 5 months out of the past 23 working with my Therapist highly anxious in regards to my Therapist leaving me or being upset with me. Sometimes I realized what was wrong and others it was more subtle things I interpreted or she did silently that I realized and she didn't think I would. I however was and am always scared to upset her and confront her (you guys on Reddit have really helped me overcome that). I just recently learned I have childhood emotional neglect and have been trying to reflect on my behaviours in regards to it.
Would this anxiety be due to anxious attachment in your opinion? My Therapist said the last session they don't know how to calm my anxiety as part of the reason for termination, but it only spiked in the last few months once the termination announcement due to maternity leave was made. My anxiety in the form of general anxious thoughts, hot flashes, burning, waking up from sleep with anxious thoughts, GI issues and wondering how I am perceived by my Therapist.
The largest form of anxiety in my life is my Therapist, even with several stressors including new health issues, changing jobs, moving and trying to find affordable healthcare. The career coach today asked me if I was able to manage to focus on jobs and if I was sleeping alright which prompted me to disclose I am anxious about my Therapist. They said that is a bigger problem in itself I need to address as they will impact my decision-making and ability to function. They used to be a couples Therapist and switched to coaching. The career coach then disclosed I always seem to be waiting for the other shoe to drop in their opinion since they started working with me plus I don't like silence and fill it by talking.
How did you guys overcome anxious attachment to your Therapist?
If anyone has a copy of
Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy: The Clinician’s Guide to Foundations and Applications
Kosminsky, Phyllis & Jordan, John. 2016.
ISBN-13 978-0415857215
Thanks!
People with attachment issues - has therapy been a positive step with your issues?
If yes, what has changed for you? Was it a specific type of therapy?
If less helpful, why was it? Anything specific that hasn't helped?
Some context: My first post here! Many people here mention therapy and generally quite positively. I have not so long ago gained a better understanding that attachment issues have defined my relationship style which has shaped the pattern of my family/friend/work/romantic relationships. Also worry that it is "too late" somehow. Feel I have enough insight and self-reflection, connecting dots now. About to jump into therapy, but will it help me? How?
So for therapists who subscribe to attachment models and see the therapeutic relationship as healing of trauma, it seems like what they primarily want to do initially is get you to tell what you are thinking and feeling about them so you can analyze what purpose those thoughts and feelings serve and what kind of transference or projection is going on. But some of us are very avoidant of conflict and very unaware feelings, directing any anger or fear or sadness or hurt or rejection onto ourselves, and feel too much shame to approach the subject. How do therapists get this kind of patient and get them to start talking?
I’ve never really had attachment issues or a tendency to overthink so I never really thought about therapy. I more on the detached side when it came to family and friends. I wasn’t really affected by people leaving, moving, or deaths. Then all of a sudden I started getting extremely, borderline obsessive, attached to someone and started constantly overthinking every detail, sentence, and movement. The people I’ve spoken to think that it’s normal and that I was just so detached before that I now feel like this is abnormal when it isn’t. I honestly feel miserable and I want to get therapy but I don’t even know if this is something a therapist even specializes in? I’m only attached to one person and it’s not like anything drastic has happened yet. I’m also unsure of how they’re going to fix my attachment or overthinking. Even if I do get therapy I don’t think I would be comfortable sitting on a couch and just talking while someone I don’t know and doesn’t understand the situation or what I went through just stares at me. Any advice?
What the title says
I have a cbt therapist. Can she help me earn a secure attachment? Would she even know about attachment theory? I’m sorry if this question is dumb I just don’t want to look like a idiot.
Hey, this Sunday (21th of November), half day meditation workshop on healing our parts (schema modes). It may be of interest to group members. We’ll draw on mindfulness, mentalization, attachment theory, and Schema Therapy (which developed out of CBT but for me difficult cases (Borderline personality disorder in particular)). The course is donation based.
I am wondering if there is a correlation between anxious or avoidant attachment and how much we think about therapy - I imagine definitionally, there should be an obvious correlation here. But I generally seem avoidant and I think and obsess about therapy a lot, or at least I do while in crisis.
If you have one of those two attachment styles, do you find yourself thinking constantly about therapy and obsessing or more often avoiding thinking about it?
Edit: in hindsight, the population of people on r/TalkTherapy is probably skewed towards people who think about therapy a lot oops.
Is an attachment always transference? How does your T help with an attachment in therapy? I’ve had so many maternal attachments in the past, but now that I have a therapist I can work through them. How will she help me with my attachment to her? She knows I feel attached, but she doesn’t know the depth of it, and I don’t want to tell her I’m obsessed and that she’s on my mind 24/7, however I want to work through this. I recognize attachments now and I never want an attachment to be as extreme as the ones in the past was. I just want to know how she’ll possibly help me, there is never any judgment with her, she’s always so validating and accepting and kind, and I know this attachment does not phase her which I so very much appreciate because I can tell her anything. And it just breaks my heart that she can’t be my friend, I wonder how we will work through that heartbreak?
What has your experience been like if you do feel attached to your T? Has talking about it in therapy helped? Have some sessions been solely about the attachment? TIA
it’s exactly what i thought it would be, why did I continue therapy??? Why didn’t I just quit when I had that chance when I picked a fight with my T at the start. Now all I have is a very unhealthy bond and attachment to this woman. All she did and does was talk to me about my day and my goals in life, and she’s trying to get me to make friends but it isn’t working. And she said the end for our therapeutic relationship is going to come soon, I can’t bare this. Why did I continue with her, maybe I shoild just quit now? But she’ll know why
I should have trusted my gut instinct at the start, I knew this would only bring more pain to me. This was not worth anything at all, I gained nothing except a burden of attachment to this woman, I’ll probably shed tears over here and I never cry over anyone or anything, not even myself.
I don’t need and can’t afford anymore attachments to people, also how am I attached to her? She was so bad at her job, she literally invalidated me all the time when I told her my mom abused me, why am I so sad over her?!!!
I feel these new wellspring of emotions towards my T. A bunch of love and care and warmth. It’s not my T just saying these things, I can feel them in my heart. I feel like I’ve been able to let my guard down just a little bit more to accept his care, attunement, acceptance.
The last month of therapy has been a lot of me struggling against the current. Not accepting me, my experiences, how it affects my day to day life, not accepting my T’s support. My T has showed up through that. Through all my pain, discomfort, suffering, rejecting, running. We focus on my attachment, it’s root, my complex trauma while using IFS, somatic experiencing, and brain spotting.
This feeling is different. A feeling of safety. Trust. Having someone there. Perhaps it stemmed from feeling about my neglect as a baby for the first time and him being there with me. I accept it, it is warm and new, and I also feel like I need to run from it. I’ve been seeing T for 10 months and the loop I’ve been in is accepting care then rejecting it. Not letting my guard down because that means as an anxious-avoidant, I’d have to rely on someone. If I keep my walls up I won’t get hurt. The thing is, I want to let my walls down and accept care. I finally did that and it feels so different. Like there is this whole new world on the other side. A world of unconditional support, care, support, attunement.
Can anyone provide their perspective or experience with their T and attachment?
I started therapy about 18 months ago for problems with intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation. Overall I'm better (I think), the intrusive thoughts are down about 80% compared to last year. Recently though I've been having problems with attachment to my therapist. I have an avoidant-dismissive attachment style. I feel really needy, and at the same time I want to run away. I cancel appointments, try to quit, and then ask for them back. Again and again, and again. I feel like I'm in some weird groundhog day loop. We've talked about things and I do understand her explanation that this could be a normal response to being in therapy. But that doesn't help me feel any better.
How long does this last? How can I make it stop / make it easier? Does everyone in therapy get attachment problems, or does this only happen to certain people? It's really causing a problem in my life right now, and I feel like I am obsessing over therapy to the detriment of the rest of my life. At times I figure if I just quit and stick with it these feelings will eventually fade, but I also feel fear about doing that (abandonment fears?). Help?
Thank you.
I have access to 30-40 minute counseling sessions through my college. I've asked them what would be an "appropriate" use of those sessions and they just said you can call about anything you're stressed about.
Well, something that's been stressing me recently is that I keep looking for a mother in other women. However, IDK how much I'd get out of a 30-minute session with a random therapist that works at my college over this stuff because it's a long-term matter.
For more context, you would talk to them just that one time and they would mainly work on problem-solving. You would not have a long-term relationship with them, and if you were to call for another 30-40 minute counseling session, you would probably have to talk to someone else.
I don't have access to long-term therapy either.
Hey everyone, I'm looking for others' experiences with dealing with attachment theory in their therapy. I sometimes felt like my therapist excused my protest behaviors during the relationship, even though I think they were objectively wrong, because she saw my DA ex's behavior as "unhealthy." It definitely was unhealthy, but I think mine was too and sometimes felt like she gave me a pass because I wouldn't use protest behaviors until triggered by his seemingly out of nowhere avoidance and distancing. I think she was always trying to help me see that his avoidance and unwillingness to work on it would ultimately be bad for me and for the relationship, and it was, but I feel like I've done most of the work on becoming secure on my own and not with my therapist. Now that we've broken up I almost feel like she thinks my anxiety should be gone, and in the day to day sense it is--no more wondering if he is going to be affectionate or cold and distant--but the underlying anxiety, that I would be abandoned, is definitely still there because I was, in fact, abandoned.
I really do like her otherwise, but something I came to therapy for was to work on becoming secure and I was hoping to hear others' experiences with how their therapists help them do this, if you don't mind sharing!
“I have only very recently discovered the name of the torturous ‘Attachment Therapy’ I had to endure as a child. The sheer amount of horror stories I have read and seen have helped me understand what was done to me; so I feel it is necessary to join the fight to put an end to this form of therapy and to stop children from being tortured. Too many either suffering lifelong trauma or are being murdered from this form of love.’
My personal horror story took place around 1989 in Salt Lake City, Utah at the Primary Children's Hospital - Residential Treatment Center - Wasatch Canyons Inpatient Psychiatry unit (RTC). When I was around ages seven or eight years old. I lived at this facility and another of their branch facilities (RTC South Satellite Building B) off and on from four to about ten years of age.
I cannot recall a lot of my childhood memories because as anyone who grew up within the system knows, you are an unwilling and unwitting test subject for new compliance/therapeutic medications. A handful, two-three times a day plus vitamins. But that is another story for a different day.
Similar to other stories I have read about Attachment Therapy there was a lot of emotional and physical abuse disguised as love and for our best. This is by far the most emotionally and physically painful experience of my entire life. Worse than being molested, all the broken bones or stitches I have ever had.
My experience involved the Facility Head (Jim/James, who also happened to be my therapist) along with at least one other therapist and staff, forcibly holding me down and pinning my arms to my side, then rolling me into two thick blankets preventing me from moving my arms, legs or head. The blankets would go above my head and I would have to angle my face upwards to breathe. This, I assume, was done to force me to look at my (then) potential parents (Cory and Janet, who now work for Wasatch school district) and my therapist. They would then proceed to have two staff lay on top of me to prevent me from wriggling out of the blankets and hold me still. After I was properly secured a third staff would remove my shoes and socks and start tickling my feet relentlessly for the entire session.
In case you’ve never experienced prolonged tickling, it's only funny for a few minutes before you can’t breathe, and it turns into searing pain that just does not relent but gets stronger and stronger. So strong you feel and pray that you are going to pass out, but you never do. It i
... keep reading on reddit ➡I’ll try to keep this short. Raised in an emotionally neglectful/distant home. Parents probably tried their best, but their best wasn’t very good. I was raised to be hyper-independent and to always control (read: repress) my emotions, take ownership of my thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, etc. That got drilled into me especially hard as a ten-year-old when my parents had their second kid, and they told me my sibling would need a bunch of their time and I needed to be a “helper” by taking care of myself. I did what they asked. From then on I withdrew and stopped asking for help unless I had no choice...they were always maxed out as people with “more important” things and I didn’t fight for their attention. But now as an adult I can’t seem to turn the emotional repression and “burden” concept off. Emotional vulnerability and expressing deep-seated wants and needs with my spouse and close friends remains a real struggle. Emotionally, I feel like I’m just burdening these people I care deeply about with my problems.
I know on an intellectual level that these aren’t exactly burdens, but a form of bonding with others over shared struggles. How do I get the rest of my heart and mind on the same page?
My spouse is awesome and patient, and super supportive. I want to give more of myself emotionally to our marriage but don’t even know how to re-wire these childhood traumas. Anyone else been through something similar? What worked for you?
tl;dr How do I stop being so emotionally withdrawn so as not to burden close friends and spouse with my feelings and wants/needs? How do I convince myself that my feelings matter?
Two months ago, my therapist initiated a three month termination process. It blindsided me. It did and continues to break my heart everyday. We focus on attachment and building it, deepening it, and learning a secure attachment.
Initially, I was a mess. I buried myself in drugs and all my anger. I just couldn't handle it. I eventually came down and have been sober for a few weeks. I'm not angry as much anymore and all in all she has changed my life and I love her, but I'm afraid I'm running out of things to say.
Alternatively, it's not that I'm running out of words, but more that I'm tired of telling her that I'm sad and crying and I'm tired of our space being filled up with all this heavy stuff and I would rather just sit with her and joke or tell a random story.
There's a part of me that feels like that's not what I should do or that it's not enough.
Great publication. RAD is out-dated and the big whigs in the field shun it for a reason. Any trauma specialist worth their salt does not use the RAD diagnosis in regards to their clients.
It is an easy trap to fall into that offers little help or hope for the children. Be wary, learn trauma-based care, and get the healing you want for your children.
I’ve never really had attachment issues or a tendency to overthink so I never really thought about therapy. I more on the detached side when it came to family and friends. I wasn’t really affected by people leaving, moving, or deaths. Then all of a sudden I started getting extremely, borderline obsessive, attached to someone and started constantly overthinking every detail, sentence, and movement. The people I’ve spoken to think that it’s normal and that I was just so detached before that I now feel like this is abnormal when it isn’t. I honestly feel miserable and I want to get therapy but I don’t even know if this is something a therapist even specializes in? I’m only attached to one person and it’s not like anything drastic has happened yet. I’m also unsure of how they’re going to fix my attachment or overthinking. Even if I do get therapy I don’t think I would be comfortable sitting on a couch and just talking while someone I don’t know and doesn’t understand the situation or what I went through just stares at me. Any advice?
“I have only very recently discovered the name of the torturous ‘Attachment Therapy’ I had to endure as a child. The sheer amount of horror stories I have read and seen have helped me understand what was done to me; so I feel it is necessary to join the fight to put an end to this form of therapy and to stop children from being tortured. Too many either suffering lifelong trauma or are being murdered from this form of love.’
My personal horror story took place around 1989 in Salt Lake City, Utah at the Primary Children's Hospital - Residential Treatment Center - Wasatch Canyons Inpatient Psychiatry unit (RTC). When I was around ages seven or eight years old. I lived at this facility and another of their branch facilities (RTC South Satellite Building B) off and on from four to about ten years of age.
I cannot recall a lot of my childhood memories because as anyone who grew up within the system knows, you are an unwilling and unwitting test subject for new compliance/therapeutic medications. A handful, two-three times a day plus vitamins. But that is another story for a different day.
Similar to other stories I have read about Attachment Therapy there was a lot of emotional and physical abuse disguised as love and for our best. This is by far the most emotionally and physically painful experience of my entire life. Worse than being molested, all the broken bones or stitches I have ever had.
My experience involved the Facility Head (Jim/James, who also happened to be my therapist) along with at least one other therapist and staff, forcibly holding me down and pinning my arms to my side, then rolling me into two thick blankets preventing me from moving my arms, legs or head. The blankets would go above my head and I would have to angle my face upwards to breathe. This, I assume, was done to force me to look at my (then) potential parents (Cory and Janet, who now work for Wasatch school district) and my therapist. They would then proceed to have two staff lay on top of me to prevent me from wriggling out of the blankets and hold me still. After I was properly secured a third staff would remove my shoes and socks and start tickling my feet relentlessly for the entire session.
In case you’ve never experienced prolonged tickling, it's only funny for a few minutes before you can’t breathe, and it turns into searing pain that just does not relent but gets stronger and stronger. So strong you feel and pray that you are going to pass out, but you never do. I
... keep reading on reddit ➡