What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer

A father in law :3

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👤︎ u/julicakess
📅︎ Feb 15 2021
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The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.

But, it was arson.

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👤︎ u/VERBERD
📅︎ Jan 28 2021
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I only like rye bread!!!!

Poor Amber waves her grain

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📅︎ Mar 10 2021
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Johnny Depp has lost his case against The Sun newspaper even with evidences

Hard to win if Amber is Heard and Johnny is not

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👤︎ u/ryonnsan
📅︎ Nov 11 2020
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My dad died in 2004, we still get calls for him at times.

this happened a few years ago. It's about my dad and something my dad would have laughed hard at.

phone rings I pick up

me: Hello

TeleMarketer: Hello is Mr ThrashandBurn's Dad available?

Me: ahhhh no he isn't

TM: do you know a better way to reach him?

with out hesitation

ME: Not unless you got a shovel.

I could hear him holding back his laugh wile trying to give his condolences.

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📅︎ Feb 26 2014
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Why did Johnny Depp run after the PA system announcement?

He HEARD an AMBER alert!!

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📅︎ Jul 31 2019
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Waitress needed to rerun a debit card at the bar I was working at.

The waitress went up to the customer and said, "Hey, I'm sorry about this but for some reason your card didn't read, I'm going to need your card again."

I overheard this from behind the bar and said, "Amber, it's the middle of the summer, why in the world would this guy have his cardigan."

That was the first and only time I ever got a tip from a guy I never served or talked to.

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📅︎ Sep 21 2014
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The cast of Aquaman found it hard shooting underwater sequences because they couldn’t hear each other. Except,

Amber Heard

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📅︎ Apr 13 2019
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Here is what my dad posts to Facebook...

It's either pictures of birds or things like these:

"Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He ate pizza way before it was cool!"


"I heard they found that girl Amber who was missing." (There was an Amber alert in MD that day)


"Know what happens when you take "the" out of psychotherapist."


"If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic."


"Six more weeks of winter isn't so bad when you consider the official first day of spring is seven weeks away."


"At first, I hated the speed bump they put in my front street... But I'm slowly getting over it."


"Why is it impossible for a horse to major in philosophy? You can't put DeCartes before the horse!"


"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank gourmet coffee before it was cool."


"Q. How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish"


"I was going to take all of my old watches and hook them together to make a belt... But then I realized that would be a waist of time."


"Why all the fuss about the Redskins changing their name.

Just change the mascot to a Potato.

Then it's not only un-offensive but delicious."


"I think the NSA is spying on me. They're leavesdropping in my yard."

Bonus picture status

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📅︎ Mar 14 2014
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I'm 28 and engaged but no kids yet. I feel the dad within me.

Today, I went out to lunch with some fellas from my office, Dave and Mike.

We all opted for the "beer and sandwich deal": any beer < $6 and any sandwich from the lunch menu for $10. Can't beat that in Hoboken, NJ.

One of my coworkers ordered a Sam Adams something-or-other and our bouncy little waitress pranced off to fetch our beverages. When the waitress returned with our potables she placed a beer, amber in color, 1/2" or so foamy head, in front of my coworker and said:

"Sam?"

To which I immediately announced "No, that's Dave."

Laughs were had all around. I cringed at myself but I couldn't help it.

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👤︎ u/tmbridge
📅︎ Mar 14 2014
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Listening to the radio with my dad ( Sorry if someone posted something similar before.)

Radio: Attention, an Amber Alert has been issued for the area of ______. Blah blah blah

Dad: That Amber, she's always getting lost. I mean, they had to make a whole alert system for her!

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📅︎ Oct 24 2013
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Aquaman

Did anyone of you hear about the new Aquaman movie?

Amber Heard.

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👤︎ u/Einlanzear
📅︎ Dec 19 2018
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