Picture Perfect Puns

Ancient Scot Richard's Warriors: Dick's Picts

Loki - Trick pics (from my brother)

Pictures of an Adam Sandler movie: "Click" pics.

Pictures of a Kaitlin Olson character: The Mick's pics

Screenahots of these comments: Wit pics

Leaky faucet: drip pics

X1 Cumberbatch photos: Benedict pics

X2 Pope photos: Benedict pics (also works)

X3 Turncoat snaps: Benedict pics

X4 "Wong" image: Benedict pics

Legal command: Writ pics

Pictures of twigs: Stick pics

A Christmas Story scene: lick pics

Pictures of a Winter Saint: Nick pics

Syringe photos: prick pics (from a friend)

Sporting goods store images: Dick's pics.

Dan Harmon cartoon character: Rick's pics.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndySkibba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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Saw an Adam & The Ants tribute act

I said β€œyou’re not Adam Ant!”, he said β€œyeah i am.” we argued all night, but he really was adamant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vwraider
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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I lost my pizza cutter last night...

so I used my Bryan Adams CD, it cuts like a knife

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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Did you hear about the 80s singer who was utterly unyielding in attitude or opinion in spite of all appeals?

He was AdamAnt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anarchyinyourhead
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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So, 3 nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter....

St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven."

He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?"

The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden".

St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?"

The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve."

"Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?"

The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one".

"Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atheistmil
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Some Christmas Dad Jokes

Why are Santas reindeer generally drenched with water?

Because they are rain-deer.

Why did Santa have to visit the psychologist?

He had low elf esteem.

source

Why are Christmas trees so uncoordinated when it comes to sewing?

They always drop their needles.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a hungry mosquito?

Frostbite

​What did Adam say to Eve on the night before Christmas day?

It's Christmas Eve!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bmantis311
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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Not specifically a joke but....

Today my wife was making oatmeal cookies, and was getting rolled oats out of the cupboard. I adamantly told her to STOP and she can't use them yet. Grabbing them, I proceeded to walk across the kitchen, and roll them across the floor. "There. NOW you have rolled oats," I say. Only to receive a facepalm and to be told to get out of the kitchen...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/medaele
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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What do you call the first Ant to grace the Earth who can't be persuaded to Sin?

Adamant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLearningUstaad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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Why does Eve get the blame for eating the apple?

After all, it was Adam's apple!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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After Eve did what was forbidden

Adam was very fruitstrated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fun-dan
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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Why couldn't Eve get Chicken Pox?

She'd Adam.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InterwebWeasel
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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Did you know December 23 is a holiday too?

Its Christmas Adam. Because Adam came before Eve

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnitaRide
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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My friend Adam was telling me how, in addition to marrying a hot super model whose daddy bought the house he lives in and the car he drives just for marrying his daughter, he was also sexing up a hot stewardess. I found it hard to believe...

Because Adams make up everything!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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So 3 nuns die and go to Heaven and are at the pearly gates...

After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each."

The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?"

She says: "Adam and Eve!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?"

She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the last nun - the mother superior - and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?"

Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one..."

The saint lets her right into Heaven.

The End.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thora-suan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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What do you call a biblical character in Fast and Furious?

Adam Driver

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MtxJosh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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Who owned Apple’s worst computer?

Adam and Eve They just had one byte and then everything crashed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/abc0rum
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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Why can Kylo Ren be seen driving Gold Carts around Hoover Dam

Because he’s Adam Driver

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyDogYawns
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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When was multiplication invented?

A long time ago. Adam and Eve were the first to multiply.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/milkchaser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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The most expensive diamond in 2017 sold for $71.2 million USD

to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.

The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.

Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down the reality TV star, but Harrison was adamant telling Mr. Pooh, "If Chu wished to pawn the star, makes no difference who you are"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poortio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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I have a friend that’s really good at holding water.

We call him Adam.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dshum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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"What was sex like the first time?" asked my son.

"I don't know. I'm neither Adam nor Eve."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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Absolutely livid. Bought a Hawaiian pizza for dinner and I've just burned it. Should've cooked it on aloha temperature.

Credit to @AdamPacitti

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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The anticipation...

I'm an elementary school teacher. When kids tell me they're tired, hungry etc, I often give the typical "hi hungry, I'm Adam response"

On Friday a first grader came to me at recess and said "I'm bored!" I said "ok". She looked confused, then flustered, then blurted out "...nice to meet you Adam!" and ran away to play on the swings.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HosstownRodriguez
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2016
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You lied to me!

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/H-KEVIN
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
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If Adam Sandler decided to join the CIA...

...then his direct superior would be his Adam's Handler

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πŸ‘€︎ u/graafslaaf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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Which dad had the best mother-in-law?

Adam

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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Who was the worlds first carpenter?

Eve, because she made Adams banana stand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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Rock Star Adam Ant might go on tour again but he ran into a few snags...

He remains adamant though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
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A plumber and a contractor were arguing about something in a huge box.

The contractor was adamant that whatever was in the box would not go in the building at any cost. The plumber insisted he was just trying to do his job and that it was imperative that the box go into the master bathroom. The contractor turned him away despite warnings that there would be consequences. Upon hearing this, the owner of the building got angry and hired a new contractor. The new contractor also wouldn't allow the contents of the large box into the building. He was also fired and a new contractor hired. This contractor was a fun person, giving the workers breaks and buying them lunch. Out of fondness, the workers warned him that when plumber comes, he should allow the box to go into the building. So the contractor asked how important the contents of the box were and the workers replied, "Two people have been fired for not listening to the plumber, just let that sink in"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LTLazar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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Church School

Sally was at Sunday school, when she fell asleep. The teacher realizes this and says, β€œSally who is the creator of life?” Her friend, Colin, who sat behind her. Poked her with a needle to wake her up. She wakes with a jump and yells, β€œGOD ALMIGHTY” The teacher responds, β€œVery good Sally.” Soon later, Sally falls back asleep. The teacher, again notices and says to her, β€œSally who is our savior?” Colin again, pokes her with a needle. Sally jumps up and yells, β€œJESUS CHRIST!” The teacher responds, β€œVery good.” For a third time Sally falls asleep. The teacher, having enough of it, asked, β€œSally, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 17th child?.” Colin again, pokes Sally with a needle to wake her up. She jumps up and yells, β€œI SWEAR TO GOD, if you shove that thing in me one more time, I’m going to rip it from you, and shove up your throat!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NashYaBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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Why was Eve mad at her husband?

For Adam good reason!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NaR_Peter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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Paging

I hope this is the proper venue for this post. If not, feel free to delete me.

This came from when I was doing production lighting. Every once in a while during concert setup the audio tech would need help with mic check. Now the "real" audio guys would always just stand there going "check check check one two". Me being not a real audio guy wanted to have more fun than that, so I would always do "pages" as if I was paging people. But I would use these assumed names. Here is a partial list of names I would use. If you look closely you might notice a familiar u/name or two.

Paging Mister Lobbla … Mister Bob Lobbla (from Arrested Development)

Paging Mister Vitoomey … Mister Lee Vitoomey

Paging Mister Frescoe … Mister Al Frescoe

Paging Miss Haivure … Miss Bee Haivure

Paging Miss Mitch … Miss Miranda Mitch (my random itch - from The Mick?)

Paging Miss Dactyl … Miss Tara Dactyl

Paging Miss Falactec … Miss Anna Falactec

Paging Miss Tonin … Miss Sarah Tonin

Paging Mister Zinette … Mister Ray Zinnette

Paging Mister Reader … Mister Chip Reader

Paging Miss Kiaki … Miss Sue Kiaki

Paging Mister Doffish … Mister Stan Doffish

Paging Mister Debank … Mister Robin Debank

Paging Mister Festo … Mister Manny Festo

Paging Mister Ifornia … Mister Cal Ifornia

Paging Mister Itosis … Mister Hal Itosis

Paging Mister Saroni … Mister Rye Saroni

Paging Mister Nasium … Mister Jim Nasium

Paging Mister Aroon … Mister Mac Aroon

Paging Miss Ester … Miss Polly Ester

Paging Miss Rexia … Miss Anna Rexia

Paging Mister Zapan … Mister Pete Zapan

Paging Mister Tenuff … Mister Jess Tenuff

Paging Miss Eous … Miss Elaine Eous

Paging Mister Aroni … Mister Mac Aroni

Paging Mister Preneur … Mister Andre Preneur

Paging Mister Cetera … Mister Ed Cetera

Paging Mr. Zapple … Mr. Adam Zapple

Paging Mr. Bino … Mr. Al Bino

Paging Miss Slapter … Miss Ida Slapter

Paging Miss Talia … Miss Jenna Talia

Paging Mr. Rafone … Mr. Mike Rafone

Paging Mr. Zark … Mr. Noah Zark

Paging Miss Yoki … Miss Carey Yoki

Paging Mr. Foolery … Mr. Tom Foolery

Paging Mr. Atric … Mr. Jerry Atric

Paging Mr. Duttank … Mr. Phillip Duttank

Paging Mr. Anoma … Mr. Mel Anoma

Paging Mister Jass … Mr. Hugh Jass

Paging Mr. Onella … Mr. Sam Onella

Paging Mr. Maphobe … Mr. Jer Maphobe

Paging Mr. Packa … Mr. Al Packa

Paging Mister Dente … Mister Al Dente

Paging Miss Conda … Miss Anna Conda

Paging Miss Sharalike … Miss Sharon Sharalike

Paging Miss Bellum … Miss Sarah Bellum

Paging Miss Mennopey … Miss

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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I'm 28 and engaged but no kids yet. I feel the dad within me.

Today, I went out to lunch with some fellas from my office, Dave and Mike.

We all opted for the "beer and sandwich deal": any beer < $6 and any sandwich from the lunch menu for $10. Can't beat that in Hoboken, NJ.

One of my coworkers ordered a Sam Adams something-or-other and our bouncy little waitress pranced off to fetch our beverages. When the waitress returned with our potables she placed a beer, amber in color, 1/2" or so foamy head, in front of my coworker and said:

"Sam?"

To which I immediately announced "No, that's Dave."

Laughs were had all around. I cringed at myself but I couldn't help it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tmbridge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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Found this joke online xD

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything CRASHED.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlueMeteor134
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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Eve wore a fig leaf

If Eve wore a fig leaf in the Garden of Eden...what did Adam wear?? A hole in the fig leaf.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Garyfromtucson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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Apparently

Store intercom: We have a Code Adam. He is wearing a black jacket.

Mom: Code Adam is a lost child.

Me: Apparently.

Mom: More like No-parent-ly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/modsme
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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Who was also celebrating the first New Years Eve?

New Years Adam.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/x3astu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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Got my boyfriend pretty good with this one

I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and his dad, and my boyfriend was telling us about his new job. Bf: β€œI’ll have to start waking up earlier than usual, I need to be up and at β€˜em by 6.” Me: β€œAdam? I thought you were Matt!” Bf: β€œWow...”

He sighed as his dad and I laughed and high fived, we had been making awful (or great?) puns all night. I may be a girl but I’ll definitely be in charge of the dad jokes when we have kids!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigerrr925
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2017
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Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, β€œDo you want a lift”. β€œNo thanks”, they replied, β€œWe’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said β€œthat’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said β€œstore in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says β€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says β€œI’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say β€œOLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
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I asked my dad: "who invented the dad joke"

He replied: "I don't give Adam"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boetzie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2018
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After Cain killed his brother in the Garden of Eden...

Adam and Eve became dis-Abeled

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hoodafakizit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2017
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Whenever I say, "I'm cold"...

"Nice to meet you, Cold. I'm Mr. Adams."

Classic dad-ism.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/netfilx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2013
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If Christmas Eve is the day before Christmas, then what is the day after called?

Adam

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hathahuss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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The Oldest Computer

It was owned by Adam and Eve. It was an Apple and with one byte everything crashed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeatMyMeatOClock
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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How were people born?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alternatingcn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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Son: "How were people born?"

Father: "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." Son then went to his mom, asked her the same thing and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." He ran back to his dad and said, "You lied to me!"

Father: "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gamer-Citrus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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