I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems

But the beach ain't one

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👤︎ u/Slymood
📅︎ Sep 26 2020
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Kid: Oh man dad, today's test at school was difficult. There was a test with like 99 problems on it -and one of those problems was a real bitch.

Dad: Well we know one thing. Your teacher is not Jay-z!

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📅︎ Aug 29 2020
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I got 99 problems...

and unfortunately finding the list of em is one.

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👤︎ u/aliciaeee
📅︎ Apr 30 2020
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I've got 99 problems.

My math teacher is a bastard.

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👤︎ u/sodomicity
📅︎ Jan 05 2019
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If you're having voice problems I feel bad for you son,

I've got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one

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📅︎ Jul 12 2020
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1   - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2   - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3   - Half the people you know are below average.

4   - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6   - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7   - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8   - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9   - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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👤︎ u/ksbalaji
📅︎ Jan 30 2020
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So we had soup for dinner.

My dad looks around after seeing that there is a perfect amount of spoons for everyone.

"If you're having soup problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but a spoon ain't one."

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👤︎ u/Hedgehog17
📅︎ Dec 17 2013
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