7 Up Puns

1

Son: “no dad, we’re walking late.”

None of them were Happy :-(

The odds were against me.

"Grains"

I guess the odds were against me.

That's a ho-ho-horrible idea!

Maybe that will resolve things.

(Not OC but I saw it on FB and it was new to me)

Take away the w.

Who's on the phone dad?

I miss onions, he was a good dog

While I was putting away the lawnmower right as the sun was setting.

"Daddy, good thing you mowed fast, or it would be dark!"

"That's right honey, I never could have finished if I moved in slow-mow"

My wife threw a tomato at me from the garden.

Me: "hi I'm jimmy ice cream eyes" Her: "hi Jimmy, you're looking sharp today.." As she walked away.

It's like she doesn't even have to try

... to make up puns. They're all horrible.

I have a few examples of what I'm looking for. I like them, but I'm sure the power of Reddit can come up with some that are even better!

• William (Bill) Ding

• James (Jim) Nastics

• Bart Ender

• Ted Manwalkin

• Gustavo (Gus) Undheit

As you can see, they don't even have to be straight up puns when said normally, but their common nicknames lend themselves into it. Anyone have any more good ones? Bad ones are appreciated too, lets all have a laugh!

As a big proponent of the dadjoke I want to argue that a dadjoke is not just a pun. I see lots of material submitted here that might be better suited for /r/punny.

Speaking as a dad, for me a classic dad joke is highly dependent on the context.

I can't whip out old standbys at any moment and call them proper dadjokes. If I'm driving my kid to school I can't just ask him "Hey, do you know why the kids couldn't see the pirate movie? It was rated aaarrrgh!". That's just a bad joke.

OTOH, if my kid says "are" kinda funny (which he has before), and I make a joke about him being the youngest pirate I know (I may or may not have done this before), then that's a dadjoke. A shitty one, but still a dadjoke. The best context ones are where a situation presents itself and the dad takes the opportunity to make the lame joke (as in a post from awhile back where the OP overheard three or four dads make almost the exact same joke at an aquarium).

Straight up puns should go to /r/punny. Context specific jokes which rely on vagaries of the language or the funny situation, should stay here.

Just my two cents worth.

So, this set were mine, ended up in webcomic form. Also, new dad, so I qualify.

Follow the link in my name below the webcomic if you want to read a very short story I wrote which received the reviews:

>This is the most intricately set up pun I have ever heard.

and

>This is absolutely hilarious. I have to fav this. Seriously, you handled the build-up and reveal perfectly.

So I was talking with a friend and said a really bad pun. After a sigh and a head shake he said "Man puns are terrible" , to which I followed up, puns are not terrible unless you write them down on paper (because the become "tearable")...

Took him a second to get it, but I was proud.

Grandpa: I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.

They make up everything.

I was proud.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

People are showing up to the hospital eh-symptomatic

When they grow up, two of them becomes adult knees

They just pick things up as they go along.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980’s and was able to count at least 8 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

He found his way to the men's department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "¡Eso sí que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

But when I woke up I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

so I packed up my things and right

You crack me up

People were lined up for blocks.

I think she's going to take me up on it.

I can’t wait to see your face light up when you open it.

Just don’t pick it up

Edit: piece I before E except after c

Business is up and down.

He picked up the hammer and saw.

(my dad told this all the time. I am continuing on with the tradition...)

This morning I woke up and my pillow was gone.

Today is the 13th anniversary of my father passing and this was my favorite joke that he used to tell. Enjoy.

Whilst I was making crumpets it told me to wake up, asked why I don't put on a little makeup, why did I leave the keys upon the table..

I live for them, they quack me up. Give me what y'all got >:)

He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.

As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.

Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.

When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,

"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"

Sausage day!

(I woke up the other day and thought of this joke while lying on bed. I'm pretty proud of it!)

Purée!!!

(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)

They make up everything

Because it was being ink-cubated

He came up with this one on his own after hearing another one on this sub.

They’re always up to something.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

So a frog walks into a bank and he goes up to the person working there and sees her nametag that says Patricia Whack so he says "miss whack i would like a loan of fifty thousand dollars for my vacation"

Patty just looks at him in disbelief so the frog ccontinues on "its okay I'm Kermit Jagger my dad is Mick Jagger and he knows the bank manager"

Patty is confused so she just responds "okay but you will need collateral for the loan"

"This oughta do it" the frog says while pulling a tiny porcelain elephant out of his pocket

Patty is even more confused so she excuses herself to the back to talk to her manager

Patty says to her manager "there is a frog who wants a loan and he said his dad is Mick Jagger and he tried to give me this elephant what is this?"

The manager replies "its a knicknack Patty whack give that frog a loan his old mans a rolling stone"

When they grow up, two of them becomes adult knees

Grandpa: It has it's ups and downs

So I packed up my stuff and right.