A Frog Walks into a Bank

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"KermitΒ Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/josephlied
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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My tape measure fell asleep

I found it very inch-resting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vwraider
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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Taylor Swift is not what she seems

I sent her my trousers to be taken up by 4 inches over 3 months ago

and I still haven't had them back!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goldygold2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Pope decides on new measures to keep Cardinals on their toes.

He raised the Vatican urinals by 4 inches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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During a checkup, my doctor told me my kneecaps were 2.54cm long.

"Inch high knees!" I replied.

ζ‚¨ηš„θ†η›–ιͺ¨ι«˜2.54厘米

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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Day Job

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,

"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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How do you measure a snake?

In inches they don’t have feet!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaddyCatChanYT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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I had my leg X-rayed today.

The doctor said: 'Your patella measures 2.54cm'. I said: 'Inch-high knees?' He said: 'ζ‚¨ηš„ι«Œιͺ¨ζ˜―2.54厘米高.'

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OilPhilter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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Metal Music Joke

What do you call a rock band that hates nail clippers?

Nine-Inch Nails.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatchOutItsAdam
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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I'm having trouble measuring my dog's paw length

The ruler is saying 2 inches but my eyes are saying it's a foot.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaTb0i8u
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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So an Inch broke is back.

The 2nd inch goes: How do you break an inch?

I don't know, but it's very inch-resting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ps3aciv
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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I APOLOGIZE IF THIS HAS BEEN POSTED ALREADY

A man with a sack walks into a bar. He orders his first drink. The bartender asks, β€œWhat’s in that sack?” The man replies. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Later in the night, the man orders another drink. The bartender asks again, β€œWhat’s in the sack?” The man again replies, β€œIt’s nothing worth seeing, don’t worry.” Later, the man comes up for his third drink. The bartender says, β€œLook, if you show me whats in that sack, I’ll give you a free drink. Whatever you want.” The man thinks for a moment, and opens the sack. He pulls out a tiny man, and a tiny piano. The tiny man starts playing the tiny piano. The bartender, surprised, asks, β€œWow! Where’d you get this guy?” The man pulls out a magic lamp from the sack. β€œThis thing. It can grant any wish. But the wish won’t be 100% accurate.” The bartender asks, β€œCan I try it out?” The man gives the magic lamp to the bartender. β€œI wish I had 100 bucks.” A few seconds later, 100 ducks waddle into the bar. The bartender says, β€œYou’re right. This thing isnt very accurate” The man says, β€œI know. did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arandomduckdog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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I'm a shell of a man

Snail slides into a Tesla dealership after seeing Elon Musk on TV. Inches his way up to a salesperson. Snail asks to go on a test drive, the sales person shrugs, says sure, why not. It's been a slow day.

After it's over, snail is impressed. "I gotta get one of these!

Saleswoman asks if he can afford it. He is, after all, a snail. Snail retreats into his shell comes out with a wad of cash, the exact amount for the car.

"Yeah lady, I can pay! Can I get it customized?"

The woman says of course, but it'll cost more. Snail whips out more dough.

Snail says "Paint it with pink S's all over the vehicle!"

The saleswoman says sure and asks why.

The snail says "When I'm driving around, I want people to say 'WOW! Look at that fast, pink electric S-car go!'"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthwulf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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A Joke for the Hard of Hearing

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?" The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish. The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks. β€œWhat just happened?!” the guy asks. His friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cool-kid103
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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Two blokes are out on a golf course,

one pulls out a cigarette and asks his friend for a light. His friend pulls out a 12 inch bic lighter and hands it to him β€œwow where did you get such a large bic?” he asks, β€œoh this, my genie got it for me he’s in my golf bag” the friend says β€œyou have a genie?! May I see him?”, β€œyes sure” the friend replies and opens his golf bag. Sure enough out pops a genie, the man says β€œI am your masters best friend may I have one wish?” β€œSure” the genie replies β€œbut only one”... β€œI’d like a million bucks” says the man excitedly, β€œdone” says the genie and disappears back into the bag. Seconds later the sky begins to gets dark, despite it only being noon, the man looks up and sees nothing but ducks β€œwhat is going on, there must be a million ducks up there, I asked for a million bucks, what’s wrong with your genie?!” his friend turns to him with a wry smile and says β€œdo you REALLY think I asked for a 12 inch inch bic”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/74RileyW74
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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When I was in grade school, I had a plastic ruler that broke in half.

Let's just say I lost a few inches

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leaky_holes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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A dad and his son are out camping when they hear a loud roar outside their tent.

Scrambling, they look outside and see a bear, standing on its hind legs.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They begin to run away into the woods, but the bear doesn't give chase. In fact, it's still standing there, looking at the tent.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They stop and watch but it just keeps standing there. They inch closer, but no reaction.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They summon up all their courage and approach to within inches. No reaction.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

"I think this bear might be broken," observes the son.

The dad nods. "I think that bear's repeating."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whomikehidden
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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A European woman told me how tall she was in cm. I asked what that was in Imperial units

She said she can't do that "foreign height".

I told her, "No, that's for temperature. Tall is feet and inches!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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Genies work differently than you think they do (long joke)

A man walks into a peculiar bar. There’s a small man no more than a foot tall playing the piano in the corner, men with horns and many other odd things. He noticed people huddled around a table. He walks up to the bartender and asks β€œwhat’s going on over there?” The bartender replies,” oh it’s a game, if you win a genie will grant you one wish”. β€œReally! Can I wish for anything!?” The Bartender says β€œyup just be specific and enunciate. Trust me” β€œHow do you play!?” The man asks excitedly β€œIt’s simple if you roll snake eyes you win. Everyone gets one chance and no more” The man runs over the the table and waits his turn. Once he gets up to the table he rolls snake eyes, he’s ecstatic. A genie appears over the table and says”you get one wish” The man is jumping up and down in excitement. He can hear the bartender saying something but ignores him and says”I want a million bucks!” The genie says”done” snaps his fingers and disappears. In that moment one million male deer, elk, antelope and other animals fill the bar spilling out into the street. After several minutes the stampede leaves the bar and the man says” what was that that wasn’t what I wanted!?” The bartender says β€œwhat did I say!? I told you to be specific and enunciate!” β€œOooh I see But how did you know that would happen” the man says β€œDo you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirOrville
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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I got a rooster on 2018's Valentine's day.

Lol, on last year's Valentine's day my best friend had got mad at me for not asking my crush out.

We'd planned on going to McDonald's together because he didn't have a date either. When I arrived at McDonald's this f*cker was holding a cardboard box with a terrified look and when he saw me he immediately gave me the box and told me he'd already bought the food and that we better take the bus to my place. I just thought he probably was joking or something because the box didn't even have any kind of decoration, it even had a chips brand printed on it, but as we got to the bus and sat I felt something moving inside, I thought maybe it was a puppy or something, but why did he look scared of it?

So, we get to my house, I go to my backyard, where my then 7yo beagle was and I open the box. I could only see a black blur flying out of it and then heard my best friend scream. It was a rooster. He's terrified of birds. And weirdest of all it was a fully grown rooster but he was super tiny, like 10 inches tall tiny.

I asked him wtf was going on and he just kinda hid behind the backyard door and said "I bought it so that you could get some cock tonight". I always make puns and he hates them, I was speechless. So long story short I now own 6 chickens and 4 roosters (my mom got super mad at him for buying the rooster, but then she got super attached and bought him a chicken, when she laid eggs she let them hatch, the rooster's name is Enrique btw, my mom even made him a birthday party and all last week, lol)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArbiterInqui
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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Two Farms

There was two farms next to each other, separated by a long fence. The two farmers were called nick and Barry. They were both very resourceful farmers, using each and every square inch of land to grow on. Both would tend to their crops twice a day every single day, and became friends. However, both farmers were penny pinchers, and would often try and take a few extra crops from the other side of the fence, which lead to arguments. One day, Barry came out to tend his crops, but nick did not appear once. This continued for several days. Both sets of crops continued to grow, along and up the fence, eventually intertwining. Both farmers were growing wheat. After around 5 days, Barry came out and to his delight, saw nick tending to his harvest. However, this delight soon changed to frustration as he saw nick taking extra crops from his side. "Where have you been, and what do you think you're doing?" He exclaimed. "I'm taking in my wheat, and I haven't been out for a few days due to illness. I've been feeling queasy and dizzy when I stand up, with a throbbing pain in my head each time. But it's ok, they're only headaches." "Oh I don't think so mister" said Barry.

"Those are my grains!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/harryjrogers20
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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Two friends are out at the lake..

One of the guys pulls out this really, really long lighter. And his friend says, "Hey, that's a cool lighter. Where'd you get it?" He says, "Oh, I've got this magic genie in a lamp. You know, rub the lamp, get a wish." Friend goes, "Well shit, man! Don't hold out! I want a wish!" "Okay, man, but I have to warn you.. This genie is *really* old.." "All right, whatever, just give me a wish." So he rubs the lamp, the genie comes out, and grants him a wish. He says, "I want a million bucks!" "Your wish is granted," says the genie, he disappears into the lamp, and suddenly a million *ducks* descend upon this lake. The guy is baffled and says, "Hey, what's the deal? I asked for a million *bucks*, not a million *ducks*.." His friend replies, "Dude, you think I asked for a 12-inch *Bic*?"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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I was working in the shop with my dad and asked him to hand me the 1/2 inch wrench.

Here you go...have to say though son it's a lot longer than A half inch long.groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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AP chem teacher dadjoked me

"How long is this test?"

"About 11 inches"

Edit: Didn't think it'd be too big of a deal but I put "AP" just from habit, didn't think about it much. For those that don't know, "AP" means "Advanced Placement".

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JasonSmi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2014
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I've been on r/dadjokes too much

My dad goes to me "do you know why a nose can't grow longer than 12 inches" I reply, "then it would be a foot". He then stormed out of the room annoyed that I had reuined his joke.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr00000100
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2015
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My AP Statistics Teacher is Clearly a Dad

Teacher: β€œWhat will next week’s test be on?”

Class: β€œConfidence intervals and….”

Teacher: β€œNo, it’ll be on paper.”

Class: β€œUgh…”

Teacher: β€œAnd how long will it be?”

Class: β€œUmm, like, ten questions?”

Teacher: β€œNo, 8.5 by 11 inches.”

Class: β€œGoddamnit.”

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2014
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What kind of nails do they use in the rock and role hall of fame?

9 Inch Nails

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coopthecool
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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A man walks into a bar with an ornately carved box under his arm.

Bartender: "Hold on there, buddy, what's in the box?"

Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink."

The bartender agrees, and the man lifts the lid to reveal a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.

Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"

Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think the genie is hard of hearing."

Bartender: "Why do you say that?

Man: "Do you think I would have wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IdonJuanTatalya
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
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My daughter starts standardized testing tomorrow. She asked how long they were.

I said eleven inches, then turn the page. Eleven inches on those two pages, then turn the next page... Eleven more on those two...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billdanbury
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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I love Window shopping.

8 GB ram, i7 processor, Nvidia graphics and 14 inch screen comes in real handy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HalfFry
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2018
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This guy was making big money before he was arrested

About an 1/8 inch too big, which was kind of how they caught him.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2018
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At work

(so this makes sense, I'm a dog groomer, and I was using my 8 inch straight shears).

While using my shears I accidentally cut my finger, when a Co worker asked if I was okay I said:

"Yeah, at least I only cut myself out of shear stupidity"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchXIII
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
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How do builders party?

Nine Inch Nails, followed by Hammertime and some House music.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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Why does an elephant have 4 feet?

Cause 8 inches and isn’t enough

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boatsnmoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
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But why?

Me: I wouldn't mind being a bit taller.
Friend: You could grow taller. I grew about an extra inch at your age and an extra half inch in my feet. I went from 8 1/2 shoes to 9 shoes. I wear 9 shoes now.
Me: You wear all of them at the same time?
Friend: (Annoyed look)

πŸ‘︎ 359
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gosutag
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2015
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This one is too long for just a title. But, I promise that this really just happened.

I live in South Carolina, sort of near the coast, and Hurricane Florence is headed this way. My two youngest children--total cowards--were helping me clear out all of the storm drains and curb gutters on our street to help the expected 10-20 inches of rain drain as best they can. Any time any insect flies past them, they scream bee and run away screaming. I'm talking like they're afraid of butterflies. My youngest says that Winter is her favorite season because all the bees are dead.

So, we finish up, and I go inside ahead of them, making them put the shovels away, and I hear, from inside, them running and crying/shrieking across the front porch and inside the house.

My youngest, amidst her sobs, says, "It was as big as a baseball" and holds the one I keep on my desk up for comparison.

I think make the B sign in ASL with both of my hands, stand up and say "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" at them while they run away in fear, and when the middle child says, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY" I keep moving towards them with my B hands while saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST LET YOU BEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

I'm a great dad.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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I had my leg X-rayed today.

The doctor told me: "Your patella measures 2.54 cm." By surprise, I said: "Inch high knees?" The doctor replied: "δ½ ηš„ι«•ιͺ¨ε°Ίε―Έη‚Ί2.54厘米"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minch2000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2018
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Did you hear that the Pope is keeping all the Cardinals on their toes?

He raised the Vatican urinals six inches.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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A frog walked into a bank...

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mellon_coliee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saveitforthedisco
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
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So a frog walks into a bank

He walks up to Patricia Wack, the teller and says the following " My names Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger I know the manager here and I would like a $10,000 loan for a vacation". The teller replies "That's all well and good but we are going to need some collateral" "Got it right here" says the frog and pulls out a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about 1 inch in height perfectly formed. Confused by all of this the teller goes to the back of bank to the manager and says "there is a frog out there claiming to know you, says he is the son of Mick Jagger and wants a $10,000 loan and for collateral he gave us this." And shows him the elephant. The manager replies "It's a nick nack patty wack, give the frog a loan his old man is a rolling stone."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dikchops7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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Son: When will the cake be cooked?

Dad: Not too long Son: How long is long? Dad: 6 inches

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leaf_Leavezz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
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