Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesvonsoup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown

So you can start the New Year off on the right foot

Edit: Thanks for the silver

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crustydog19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,

I had to put my foot down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prototype273
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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What has five toes but isn't your foot?

My foot.

Edit: Thanks a lot guys for the awards and upvotes. ;) :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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My wife said "will you stop pretending to be a flamingo"

Sorry, but I had to put my foot down with that one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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Did you know your nose can't be longer than 12 inches ?

Otherwise it will be a foot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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What foot dont they make shoes for?

A square foot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/titaniumhud
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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What has 5 toes, but isn’t your foot?

My foot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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I'm never leaving a living will.

As soon as my foot falls asleep, my wife's going to declare me brain dead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xi_32
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I bought my nephew 3 socks for Xmas.

As my sister in law said, he'd grown another foot this year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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The Shoemakers Match

Did you hear about the shoemaker? He was heeling from a broken heart when he ran into his solemate! They started off on the wrong foot, but they really are a perfect pair!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AV012220
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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Actual joke my Dad just said to me:

Me: Urgh, my foot has fallen asleep, I hate when that happens.

Dad: That’s annoying; now it’s not going to be able to get to sleep tonight!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zoe270101
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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Grandad always hated the milkman

My grandad always hated the milkman. Every time the guy limped up to the door (he’d had his foot damaged in the war) to drop off our delivery grandad would always grumble and mutter. I asked the old man what he had against the milkman. I never got a good answer.

It wasn’t until years later that I figured out that grandad was just lack toes intolerant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlephInfite
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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I was going to get up...

But then I put my foot down and decided there will be no more of that around here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/4ntagonismIsFun
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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This has been a crazy year. After everything that has happened though do you want to know the one thing that I can’t get over ?

An 8 foot wall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Flip flops are fun. Every time you take a step....

....it's like a high five for your foot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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My Sherlock Holmes themed Monopoly board is exactly 12 inches

The game is a foot!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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Son: There's a life-sized "Leg lamp" at the light display! It's like 4 feet tall!

Me: No, it's only one foot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thirteen_20
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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My friend decided he wants to be a podiatrist even though I tried to talk him out of it.

I guess he's put his foot down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the hardest foot to buy a shoe for?

A square foot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheNefelivata
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Why do snails always say foolish things?

Because they can't keep their foot out of their mouth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flaveraid
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was trotting across the Prairie when is horse suddenly died...

It took him three days to make it to the closest town. To his dismay, nobody in that town had a horse for sale. So he started walking to the next town. After three days the man, exhausted, started asking around and looking for a horse for sale.Again, nobody could help him.He did,however,stumbled upon a place that sold horses but the man in charge was fresh out.

"Sold my last one just yesterday,"he said."I do, however, have a brother that sells horses. He's about a day's walk west.He owns a corral. He might have a horse to sell you."

So, once again, he sets foot West to the next town and finds the mans brother.

"I heard you might have a horse for sale, he asks."

"Well, I have one, but he don't look so good."he replies.

"I don't care. I've been walking for darn near a week and I'm tired and exhausted. I'll take him."

So after the man pays for the horse, he hops on him takes off and the horse hits a tree and stops.

"Hey,"the man says." I think you sold me a blind horse.Fact is, I'm sure of it!"

"Sir, I told you he don't look so good."the man fires back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the dad like to skip everywhere instead of walk?

He wanted to put his best foot forward

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Finally figured out what to get my daughter for Christmas.

A severed foot. It’s the ultimate stocking stuffer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porkchop2022
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My roommate is getting annoyed because I won't stop my flamingo impression.

So I've had to put my foot down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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My son told me he had a hole in his shoe today

I said yes son, that's where you put your foot in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sleepy_Man90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Make sure that your left leg is up before the clock hits midnight tomorrow.

That way you start 2021 on the right foot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaddyRecon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilverBlueWolfey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long ??

Because then it would be a foot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stneutron
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Just before midnight tonight, I’ll lift up my left leg.

That way, I can start the new year on the right foot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajd011394
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it’d be a foot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lowershelf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.

That way you will start the new year off on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
"Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot."

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PersonWalker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo

I had to put my foot down

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rfcoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cc1963
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What has 5 toes but isn’t your foot?

My foot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MangoAway17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because, then it would be a foot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/velvettriangles
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What has 5 toes but isn’t your foot

My foot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Its-CJ
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the job applicant kick the door on his way into the interview?

So he could try to get a foot in the door

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can't a nose be 12 inches?

Because then it would be a foot.

πŸ‘︎ 520
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't your nose be 12 inches

Cause then it'd be a foot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Heavenlygazer21
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeletedForSpamm
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report

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