Day O Puns

My gf is on her period. I have been telling her all day period puns and jokes. I am all out and i need your help

A man fancies himself skilled at writing puns, so when a local newspaper offered $5000 to whomever could write the best pun, the man thought he'd make some quick cash. He spent the next day writing puns and picked out the ten best ones to send in to the newspaper. He figured that at least one of the ten he submitted would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.

/r/milkpuns is a sub for people that have a field day with puns about milk or cows. Feel free to have a visit!

Maths teacher made this joke the other day: maths puns are the first sine of madness.

Resulted in many groans.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

I told her she would roux the day.

even the cake was in tiers.

Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

But they fired me for taking a couple of days off

I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day!

Avoid getting a console on launch day. Multiple units had to be recalled due to the circuit boards being "fried".

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

and you'll never work a day in your life because that field probably isn't hiring

One day, I hope to be a bouillonaire!

But it's the earth's rotation that really makes my day.

At the end of the day, its night

Because the “Days of Fuchsia Passed”

Everyone knows the story about William Tell shooting an apple off his son's head but not many know that the Tell family was huge into bowling, even joined a league. Sadly, the records weren't kept safe and to this very day we have no idea for whom the Tells bowled.

It leaked a few days ago.

Because it's see-food!

my 11 year old daughter ran in here while cooking greens and dropped that knowledge on us. I couldn't be more proud lol.

edit: just wanted to let those of you who have is awards that I appreciate it! I told my daughter about them and she asked if she can keep telling jokes for me to put on here lol. should get fairly interesting.

thanks all. I hope you had a great turkey gobble day

A dogerpillar.

This was a joke from my first book of jokes I received on my 8th birthday. I felt it was appropriate on my cake day.

If they don't, after the 90 days they will finnish being Finnish

Dad: I just put a puzzle together. It only took one day. Box says 2 to 4 years

A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg, asking “How’d you get that?”

“Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked “How’d you get that?”

“Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”

The sailor then pointed to the pirate’s eyepatch, again asking “How’d you get that?”

“Aye, a bird flew by and shat in me eye.”

The sailor responded with “That’s not as impressive as the first two”.

“Aye, it was me first day with me hook.”

I am so excited it’s my first cake day! I know the day is almost over butter late then never!

"Boys, I need a moment alone".

He would then go into a small, broken path into the woods. Non dared to follow and risk incurring his wrath. Consequently speculations flowed as plentifully as wine, some saying that he had a stash of hidden treasure, some beliveing that he was searching for a witch doctor. Many went to the location when the captain wasn't there, but found nothing. Finally a day came, when one crew member, either inflated by a false sense of bravado after a particularly succesful raid or just drunk beyond his senses, decided to follow the captain. The crew member, Edwin had made up his mind. He stealthily followed the drunk captain, careful to keep out of sight.

The captain followed the path, for a few minutes but suddenly, at a big stone, deviated from it. Edwin could feel the anticipation rise. He was so close to finally solving the mystery. He followed slowly behind and found himself in a clearing. The first thing he noticed was a large gravestone. The writing on it had been completely eroded and he could not make out any words. Wondering if this was someone the captain paid respects too, he tried to inch closer to get a better look. He could make out the captain's silhouette, facing away from him, into the brush. He was crawling forward when he heard a light pitter patter. In his confusion, forgetting that he wasn't supposed to be there he blurted out "Captain, are you urinating?" The captain slowly turned around, lightly startled. "Oh, Hello Edwin." The captain followed Edwins gaze and looked at the gravestone. He nodded solemnly. "Arr, I Pee"

"I don't see how you do it man, just losing electrons all day, seems really depressing."

So the anode says to the cathode:

"It doesn't bother me, why you gotta be so negative all the time? I've been positively charged all day!"

...it's one of the only day where tomorrow is the present day.

Rüdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "Rüdoff det røde", meaning "the red".

After years of wars, and regular battles, Rüdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.

One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but Rüdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars

"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast. She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.

He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:

Rüdoff The Red knows rain, dear.

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.

His doctor told him to get three square meals a day.

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

Getting karma should be easy as cake

Edit: It’s a giant cake day celebration! Happy cake day everyone!!

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

Because the chicken had the day off.

Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.

Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)

Talking to my 3 year old son the other day:

Me: Do you know your letters?

Son: Yes

Me: Can you say the alphabet?

Son: The alphabet

My wife and I were cracking up.

Because it'll be sadder day.

An Axe to Grind
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house. 
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies. 
"I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

But I’m still working on it.

Happy Cake Day to me. Hope y’all have a great day!

An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."

Saturday and Sunday. The other days are week days.

Coronation Day

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping the whole day.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

All I did was take a day off