Dad told me, "Remember these 3 little words: Don't Argue."

I said, "That's only two words," and he yelled "You're starting already!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChangeNew389
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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3 answers. One word.
πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noebus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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I thought my 3 year old son spelled his first cuss word today.

"F-U-C-K, I'll scream ahhhhh!"

"What was that, son?"

"If you see K-ocodile (crocodile), scream, 'AHHHHH!'"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RivalPipe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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Got dadjoked by my 3 year old: Daddy, do you want to hear a cool word?

Fridge

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TechyEsq
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2015
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What is a 3 letter word for playful, loyal, and unconditional love?

Dog

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TITANofATHENS
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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I bought a pen that can write underwater

... it can write other words as well.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?

Twice dragons.

Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use β€œWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouβ€˜s for the kind words and awards.

πŸ‘︎ 306
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jruff84
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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My wife told me I’ve grown as a person

Her actual word were β€œyou’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.

πŸ‘︎ 992
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πŸ‘€︎ u/serialcompliment
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.

But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.

πŸ‘︎ 424
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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To the person who stole my Microsoft Office key.

Im gonna find you. You have my word.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ayewussupahaha
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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Pun name help?

Hey! I'm currently writing a novel. And I'm liking for a pun name based on a word that would suggest them not being real. Please don't give me the actual name. Please give me a word I can work with

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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My dad had a burning question about grammar and I didn't know the answer so I came here to ask it.

His question was, "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?"

"Or should I spread them apart?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tis-a-pirate
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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My German Shepherd asked me for a snack

At least, I think that's what it was. I don't speak a word of German.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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Somebody stole my Microsoft office and they're going to pay.

You have my Word.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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I disagree with those who say age is just a number

Age is a word

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bastelnd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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I've been swapping labels around on my wife's spice jars.

She may not know anything about it yet, but mark my words--the thyme is cumin.

πŸ‘︎ 374
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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People say I plagiarized my jokes

Their words, not mine

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clouc1223
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.

I said, β€œMark, my words!”

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought I’d come up with a great one.

But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T33NW01F
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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My mum bought me a cheap dictionary for my birthday.

I couldn't find the words to thank her.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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When Scooby Doo gives you a hickey

Dad working on car: β€œgive me that thingamajig...the doohickey” Daughter: β€œSCOOBY DOO didn’t GIVE ME A HICKEY”

Ps, it was much funnier in my head and when I came up with it and told my girlfriend. I didn’t know how to put it in words so it sucks.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Supergizmoe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 239
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DAD WHEN…

β€’ you suddenly know all the words to every Eagles song.

β€’ you get up early on a Saturday morning to make sure you’ll be tired enough for a couch nap that afternoon.

β€’ you change your car’s oil exactly every 2,000 miles.

β€’ mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, but a privilege.

β€’ you can actually tell old John Wayne movies apart.

β€’ your idea of fun is aimlessly wandering around the home improvement section of any store.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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I lost my thesaurus.

I don't have a word to describe how upset I am.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryanBr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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I once did a theater performance on puns...

It was a play on words

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cryolithicdd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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Spelling Bee

What is the only word spelled at a spelling bee?

b e e.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XanderSyr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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My 9 year old wanted me to post her joke here!

What does it mean when you find horseshoes? It means a horse is walking round in its socks!

I am so proud of her! Edit: wording.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valenshyne
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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I never thought The Bumper Book of Farming would be such a difficult bedtime read.

But it's full of words I've never even herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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A lot of people accuse me of plagiarism.

But those are their words, not mine.

πŸ‘︎ 776
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theunkillable
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Why are some words bad words?

They picked on the other words in grammar school.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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A mime is the perfect partner in crime

They'll never say a word

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lilbob628
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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Supermilk

I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.

So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word β€œlegendary” is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, β€œNo, legendary means super famous milk.” Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Damark81
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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How do you talk to giants?

Use big words!

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/podfather2000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"

Me: "Word".

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KimJongEwww
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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The nation of Iran lies between the ancient lands of Babylon to the west and the mountains of Afghanistan to the east...

In other words, it’s between Iraq and a hard place.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/watercolorfiddle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone stole my copy of Microsoft Office!

I dont know who you are, but I WILL get you for this. You have my Word.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Old but gold.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rihardz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife got me with a jungle themed joke (Long-ish)

So we’ve got this FisherPrice Projector Mobile thing that projects a rotating imaging onto the ceiling. (Very nice little thing, highly suggest for babies)

Anyways... We’ve got it set up in the living room and Wife, Son, and I are laying on the ground in the dark watching it go round and round. It’s Jungle Themed, so a lion, elephant giraffe, tiger, a few monkeys, and so on...

We’re pointing out the different animals to Son and he’s repeating a few words here and there... When he starts waving and saying β€œHi” as a new animal rotates in.

So Wife goes, β€œHere comes the Lion. Can you say Hi to the Lion?”

And Son waves and says β€œHi!” and giggles.

Wife: β€œAnd there’s an Elephant! Can you Hi to the Elephant?”

Son: β€œHi... toots”

Wife: β€œYes! Toots! And here’s the next animal. Can you wave to the tiger?”

Son: β€œHi!”

Wife: β€œThat’s the β€˜Hi of the Tiger’”

Me: β€œ... πŸ’€ πŸ’€ πŸ’€β€

Wife: β€œYou love me... Look Son! A Zebra!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Desdomen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I need β€œBeau” puns!!

Please post your best Beau (my bfs name) puns. I’m making him a note jar for Valentine’s and I’m short on puns. I already have Bodacious, Beautiful, and beaucoup (bookoo)

Post just a word or a short joke. Thanks guys!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoblinQueen1998
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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To the person who stole my Microsoft Office license.

I'm gonna find you. You have my word.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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I just bought a dictionary today and bought it home to find out that all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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