π︎ 150
π
︎ May 03 2020
After being single for years, my best friend said, "Can I set you up?
I said "Go on then!!"
Now I'm doing 12 years for a crime I didn't commit.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"Damn that was a hard drive."
π︎ 255
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
What do the French do after buying bread?
π︎ 19
π
︎ May 01 2021
What did the tectonic plate say after bumping into another tectonic plate?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said βShe obviously has COVID!β βWhy would you think that?β I asked.
βBecause she has no taste.β
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
What does the plumber say to their child after lecturing them?
ππ¦π΅ π΅π©π’π΅ π΄πͺπ―π¬ πͺπ―...
π︎ 40
π
︎ Apr 20 2021
after the accident, he was never the same
π︎ 24
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
After Orville and Wilburβs first horrific and fatal plane-accident leaving their remains scattered on the tarmac, the chief medical examiner approaching what was left of them simply asked:
βAre you all Wright?!β
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 15 2021
What does a robot do after sex?
π︎ 133
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
What does pizza become after you eat it?
π︎ 25
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
After your uncles wife commits arson
π︎ 33
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
(9 year old daughter tells me) What does a Dalmatian say after it eats dinner?
π︎ 41
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
What did God do after he created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness?
π︎ 182
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
Policeman taking a witness statement from the waiter after a shooting at a vegan bar..
Policeman: Can you describe the shooter?
Waiter: 6 feet, white male, grey shirt and a skirt made of parsley.
P: Parsley?
W: Yes. It was just a herb he wore.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
How did Luke Skywalker feel after he peed inside the stormtrooper outfit?
π︎ 70
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
What do you call a radio after it blows up
π︎ 52
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
My mother always told me I look more like her from the waste up, but took after my father from the waste down...
... because I'm a smart a**
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
What did the cheese-maker say after he made a dog out of cheese?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
After a regrettable brain transplant, he turned around to his wife and said:
π︎ 43
π
︎ Apr 11 2021
What do you call a cow after an abortion?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
Where do astronauts go to unwind after a hard day's work?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
What is Cardi Bβs name after she went to the gym?
π︎ 46
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
What did the greek cheese say after being rid of its mold?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
Just remembered a classic my brother-in-law dropped after my niece was born (A couple months ago)
My mother FaceTimed me so I could show her my sister and her baby
I went into my sister's room and said, "Hey mom wants to see you. Can you say a quick hello?"
Sister: Sure but just for a minute, I'm exhausted.
BIL, without dropping a beat: Hi exhausted, I'm a new dad!
Old but gold
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
My audience said they were cold after my dad jokes...
I told them to stand in the corner, those are usually 90Β°
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
I was offered to have a street named after me, but I said no because I remembered
No one crosses me and lives
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 08 2021
My friend died after eating rotten spaghetti.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 06 2021
What did the nape say after giving a show?
Thank you and come back necks time
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
Why did people die after they ate Cheerios?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
Grandpa went quiet after seeing my daughter for the first time
I asked him if heβs okay. He said, βYeah, Iβm great!β
π︎ 81
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
After I went to the dentist, I went and recorded a gospel album. My mouth was still numb, so I was drooling the whole time.
The album's called "Songs of Salivation".
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
After she cancelled several dates with me, I told my crush she should start dating wheelchair-bound menβ¦
because sheβs really good at standing guys up.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Apr 20 2021
What did the farmerβs wife say to him after he hotboxed the stable?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
What did the surgeon say after a successful hip surgery?
π︎ 21
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
I decided to stop walking under billboards after one collapsed on top of me.
I took it as a sign from above.
π︎ 175
π
︎ Mar 07 2021
What did the monster say to his son after he hadnβt seen him for years?
βMy how you gruesomeβ
π︎ 15
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
After hearing me sing my music teacher suggested I should be a tenor.....
Tenor twelve feet away from earshot.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
π︎ 53
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
A man choked to death after ingesting mashed chickpeas.
At first it was thought to be a freak accident but police are now treating it as a humuside.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why Iβm not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
βYou just havenβt been cutting it lately.β
π︎ 17
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
The man stood up after a rousing speech, took a bow and marched out triumphantly.
He was protesting against violins in schools.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
Jay Leno went to Morgan Freemanβs house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freemanβs carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank...
Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
I had to have my pet centipede put to sleep this week, after he lost 84 of his limbs.
The vet said, he was on his last legs.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
Scientists became so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours
π︎ 24
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
After years of trying, a woman tells her husband she is pregnant.
The man, tearing up, takes his wife's hand and says, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm going to be a dad."
π︎ 38
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
What does a robot do after a one night stand?
π︎ 31
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
My 8 year old nephew attended his first wedding. But his cousin had a question for his after the ceremony.
"Hey, how many women can a guy marry?"
"16!"
"How did you figure that out."
"Simple. I just listen to the minister and added them up: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer. That's 16!
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
My son Luke loves it that we named all our kids after Star Wars characters...
My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Mar 21 2021
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