(X-post) A man was found guilty of electrifying a guy to his death.

The charge was quite severe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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A man who knows how to handle a grill always makes the girls wet... [x-post from r/killthecameraman]
πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jentelus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2017
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Do you know why Cyclops is such a great X-Man?

He has supervision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/J0k350nm3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
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Rob the balloon man (x-post from me_irl)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/live4lifelegit
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2015
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A man would experience severe pain in his eye every time he drank tea[X-Post from r/jokes]

He went to his doctor, who referred him to an eye specialist. They performed every test possible, but found nothing wrong with his eye. Since the pain was still persistent, he showed a number of specialists, had every test done on him, consulted quacks, and all to no result. He still felt excruciating pain whenever he had tea. Finally, he decides to visit an old sage. The sage sits him down and pours him some tea. As soon as he takes a sip, he feels the pain again. The sage sets his own cup on the table, and quietly says "Next time you drink tea, remember to remove the spoon from the cup."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gulzaar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
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Dad - I want to try and wear my long hair up but I’m little abraid....

Mom - I wouldn’t. Man puns are lame.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
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My dad's favourite.

Growing up in Sydney there was a 'Baby Health Centre' across the street. My dad was an older guy so had the typical 'old man pun' sense of humour. Around Christmas one year I was walking by with my dad and he goes 'Hey. Where do baby elves go when they're sick? To the baby ELF centre!' Face palm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kangawhat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2013
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A awesome dad joke pun I used yesterday

So I was talking with a friend and said a really bad pun. After a sigh and a head shake he said "Man puns are terrible" , to which I followed up, puns are not terrible unless you write them down on paper (because the become "tearable")...

Took him a second to get it, but I was proud.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fildain
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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My wife saw me drinking from a Halloween skull the other day

Wife: who’s skull is that

Me: a man named Phillip

Wife: what’s in it?

Me: vodka and orange juice.

Wife: .......

Me: it’s a Phillips head screwdriver

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_eat_unwiped_ass
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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His son asked him β€œWhat does it mean to be a Man?”...

He replied: A man is someone who is responsible and takes care of his family.”

Son: I hope one day I grow up to be a man just like Mom!

πŸ‘︎ 872
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buddhabitch11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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My dad always told me β€œdon’t be quick to find faults”.

Good man, terrible geologist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tobias_drundridge
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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Classics

What do you call a man in a lake with no arms and legs?

"Bob"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/John1967miller
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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Dad joke

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt. He says "One please and a beer for the road."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derpmastar2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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A garbage man in Oklahoma was doing the rounds one morning

He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sitting on the porch.

The garbage man called out β€˜Hey! Where’s β€˜ya bin?’

The guy replies β€˜I’ve been in Florida’

The garbage man says β€˜No, no. I meant where’s your wheely bin?’

The guys says β€˜I’ve really been in jail but I tell everyone I’ve been in Florida’.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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Some well considered puns

From an email my cousin sent me:

I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.

I was kidnapped by mimes, they did unspeakable things to me.

The finest shoes are made of smooth leather, my opinion will never be suede.

A perfectionist walked into a bar - apparently it wasn't set high enough.

Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident! He's in ICU.

Went to this horrible bar called "The Fiddle" ... it really was a vile inn.

To the thief who stole my glasses, I will find you - I have contacts.

If any of you knows how to fix hinges my door is always open.

Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.

Cold? Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees.

If your guy doesn't appreciate fresh fruit puns let that mango.

A few puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like "Watt"?

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me, I was like "What the hellman?"

Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, back.

Due to the quarantine I'll only be doing inside jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eli_Truax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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After years of trying, a woman tells her husband she is pregnant.

The man, tearing up, takes his wife's hand and says, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm going to be a dad."

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stress-Thick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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A man is preparing to cut down a tree in the forest.

The tree says, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

The man replies, "You're going to dialogue."

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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What do you call a man who makes yogurt?

A man of culture

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bacon_yeeter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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What should you do if you see a space man?

Park in it, man.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bishslap
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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Which superhero do the Avengers call when they need their costumes pressed

Iron Man

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Justlikeyourmoma
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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The World's Greatest Pun

A man wanted to do something nice for ten of his friends. So he wrote a pun for each one hoping it would cheer them up. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VernonnonreV
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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There is only one other pun better than this one....

A man's farts once began sounding like the word "honda."

US Doctors were no help for the man.

Finally a Japanese Doctor took his case & sent for the man to come to Japan.

The man flew to Japan and after a short examination the Doctor said to him, "you have abscess tooth."

"An abscess tooth?" the man asked.

"Yes," replied the doctor "abscess make the fart go Honda."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VernonnonreV
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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This lifeguard tried his best to rescue a hippie

But he was just too far out, man.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks...

He found his way to the men's department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Β‘Eso sΓ­ que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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Dyslexia

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superuglypotate
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.

"Bargain" the man says.

"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/giftfrom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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A man walks into a bakery holding a crab

The man approaches a baker and says "excuse me, do you serve crab cakes here?"

The baker replies "no, we do not."

Saddened, the man lifts up the crab and says "what a shame... it's his cake day."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/patentpunk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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A man went to the Dentist's

The Dentist said: "Wow your teeth are disgusting."

The man cried

Then..

The Dentist said: "Geez.. you don't have to be that sensiteeth."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hanemun
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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What do you call it when your ear is HIV Positive?

Hearing aids

(Inspired by a weird story from a coworker who was afraid HIV was so contagious that she thought she got it from an HIV+ gay man who whispered in her ear)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingbuttshit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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Attila the Hun had a pet snake who refused to eat.

He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.

As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.

Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.

When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,

"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_wild_redditer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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(On The Spot Joke) My Partner was in bed cracking her back and asked.....

β€œHey can you hear my back crack”

I replied β€œyea can you hear my ass crack” then proceeded with the filthiest fart known to man

Absolute crack up. Hahahahahah even she laughed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaccyBuegs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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My daughters favorite fruit is mango. So when she’s older and starts dating.

I’ll be sure to remind her to always let the Man-go.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ssj3dvp11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe man! Damnit, breathe!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LorimIronheart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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Lifeguards are sad to report the drowning of a hippie last night.

He was too far out, man.

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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A man walks into the doctor's office

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

"It's.. erm .. well ... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Ah ok. How do your trousers fit?" asks the doc.

"Like a glove."

πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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"Do you know what?"

My kids have gotten to saying this a bunch, so now I reply like a dad...

"Oh ya! We went to the same New Year's party once."

"Sure! He makes the best crab dip."

"Big beard? Lousy tipper?"

"The tattoo guy?"

"Biblically."

"Gave him a 5-star Uber review."

"He was the best man at my wedding."

"I think I owe him $20."

"The bouncer at the club!? How do YOU know him?"

"Doesn't he work at the bakery next to PetSmart?"

"I heard he once punched a cop and broke his nose!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uncorked119
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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A man was walking along a stream..

... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.

Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.

He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.

His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.

Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.

This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.

The moral of this story?

Don't judge a brook by it's clover.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm...

Man: Do you do fishcakes?

Fishmonger: no, I'm afraid not, sorry.

Man: Ah, that's a shame - it's his birthday today

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YakDangerous5412
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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What do you mean, marsupials are happy?

Yeah man, they are joeyfull!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/taken-_-already
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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My grandfather always used to say, β€œAs one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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Son of a what now?

If a man named Mitch has a boy, it would make the boy a son of a Mitch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blochow2001
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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