If we have the show "X-Files", Chris Hanson's "To Catch a Predator" could be called "Pedo-Files".
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSuitedHound
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
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*the X-Files theme plays* i.reddituploads.com/caaf5…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Comoper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2016
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I dad joked while watching the X-Files last night.

My friend was showing me the xfiles because I have never watched it, and during the first episode this coffin at a funeral slips and rolls down a hill and everyone chases after it.

Me "That funeral went downhill fast..." Her "...you're fucking joking right?"

Edit : Apparently not a funeral... exhuming a body. Wasn't paying attention but the sound of the coffin falling caught my attention.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToTouchAnEmu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Came up with this one while watching The X Files: how did the tiger make it all the way across town without being spotted?

It was easy because tigers are striped. I'm so sorry...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fisticuffsmanship
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
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A bishop

walks into a bicycle repair shop and says "Excuse me do you know where I can find a pedal file?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/True-Ad-2455
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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Why does the IRS hate Tusken Raiders?

They always single file, to hide their numbers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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Jack and Jill went up the hill

to file a complaint about the location of the well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greedydita
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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My dad went to the grocery store for a pack of cigarettes.

He came back with the cigarettes but told me he filed for divorce.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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As a huge sports statistics geek, I tend to store all my documents related to high school and collegiate athletes up high.

That way, I can keep a low pro file.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
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OPun (Open source Puns) database from my site released

Hopefully this post is allowed. 5 or so years ago, I decided to post puns that I either came up with or enjoyed a lot. My goal was to make it easy to find puns based on a topic or subject. So I heavily tagged all of the entries with relevant information. I've consistently uploaded new puns on at least a weekly basis, but usually every 3 days.

I've amassed a large collection that I've decided to open source. I've dumped my database into a JSON file that is open and free to use (with proper attribution).

Let me know what you think!
https://punatorium.com/opun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dabberzx3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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I have a box of papers belonging to my once wife.

I think I'll label it the "Ex-Files"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/syntaxerror4
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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What do you call an IT teacher who has an inappropriate relationship with a student?

A pdf-file

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kabocha00sama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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Why are audiophiles self-loathing?

They think audio files are inferior!

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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How about it

Why did the coffee file a police report

It got mugged

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwnSpecialist8
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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My coworker was trying to reorganize his filling cabinet and got stuck when he discovered a bunch of documents about Italian dictators.

I told him to file them as Mussollaneous.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ngabear
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Why did the lawyer yell at his housekeeper?

She was filing suits.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImClumZ
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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What do you call someone who really likes digitally storing music?

Audiofilephile.

What do you call a database of people who love sound equipment?

Audiophile file.

What do you call someone who loves a person who loves to store digitally storing music?

Audiofilephilephile.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Wanna hear a dad joke?

audio file not found

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dantr1x
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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My wife was feeling frisky in bed and asked if she could defile me

To which I replied: But what if I like being filed?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kylea12345
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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Why was the Tatooine IRS always going after the sand people?

Because they single file to hide their numbers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/popegonzo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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I once got my toe nails professionally trimmed. They used a hardened steel tool for smoothing my clipped nails...

In other words, a pedi-file.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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Warning, this is a huge spoiler

https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0699/6735/products/mini-wing-spoiler_copy_x1400.jpg?v=1508404270

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Davilopy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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During these dark times I figure people could use something uplifting.

This might work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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I'm surprised nobody has made this post yet.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
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My wife bought a pumice foot stone the other day, but I made her return it.

I asked her never to bring pedi files into our house again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpunkBunkers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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What do you call an it teacher touching up his students..?

A PDF File

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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a few jokes that will make u laugh

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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I would consider myself a pretty rad dad, so here you go: "Why wasn't the document allowed at the children's party?"

"Why wasn't the document allowed at the children's party?"

Because he was a PDF File!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeathnautPrime
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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The leader of a church kept making false doomsday predictions.

The church recently filed to be a non-prophet organization.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IchWillRingen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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Tax question

Do pot dispensaries file joint tax returns?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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My dog is not very bright.

He filed my taxes late again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KarateChop231
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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Why did the mp3 not like the cheap headset?

It was an audio file.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrimalPiranha
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
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My kids' feet are covered in calluses

They asked for something to get rid of them, but I won't allow my children anywhere near a pedi-file.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zigbigidorlu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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Lecturer hit us with this one

A duck got a job at a farm, where there was a chicken who ran the place. The chicken was delighted to have the duck join his crew, he personally took the duck around the place and introduced him to all the other farm animals. At the end of the tour the duck asked a question. Duck: Is there anything I should avoid doing here? Chicken: Don't cross the road, you'll never hear the end of it.

Bonus: http://blog.rafihecht.com/files/2013/02/chicken-crossing-road.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dtmfa92
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
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Why can’t we keep information on bicycle pedals?

Because we don’t wants to preserve pedal files.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemDems44
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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You'll never guess what I found on top of the secret files.

It was the top secret file.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bhattlebone
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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What do you call an alien that’s been kicked out of the group?

X-Filed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luc-Hart-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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What’s the other term for the sex offenders list?

The pedo files

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πŸ‘€︎ u/s0_0k
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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My dad pulled this one at dinner last night

My mom made stuffed peppers with with Shepherd's pie ground beef instead of stuffed pepper mix. So my dad goes... "I guess these are Shepherd's Peppers!"

He couldn't wait to spit that one out and had a great big laugh. Then told it again because my mom wasn't in the room.

Edit.. I don't think some people know the food involved. Stuffed peppers are these. And shepherds pie is this

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-truth-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
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Me and my girlfriend went to a vacation and my family isn't happy about this..

My kids are angry and my wife is filing for divorce.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LONEWOLF__14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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I was at home writing a play the other day when Microsoft Office needed an update.

It said I needed to install a new copy of Word-- but when I did, the file type was no longer compatible. I actually had to copy and paste it from a window of the old Word to a window of the new Word.

You were probably expecting a pun in this story, but there isn't one-- just a little play on Words.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tribunal_Power
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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I kicked a nasty habit today.

Consequently, the nun wearing it filed assault charges against me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students

A PDF file .

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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