when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory

It was rough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinkybenny
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.

But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimothy05
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Did you hear about the politician who came home late at night after a hard day at work?

He was Satired'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orschinparjin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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I was all set to celebrate my promotion at work when my son came home and said he was voted king of his class...

He really reigned on my parade.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
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I’m exhausted! When I get home from work I’m just gonna lie down and stare at the ceiling.

This evening’s definitely looking up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BD_4
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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I asked my friend who works at a funeral home how his job was.

He told me it was a dying industry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lmao-Austin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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A friend of mine works at a funeral home.You might have heard of her...

Myra Maines

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up cheeseburgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me...

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2017
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What do you call someone who works for their parents, but still lives at home?

A dependent contractor.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phyx8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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I was walking home from work and a madman started throwing milk, cheese and yoghurt at me.

How dairy!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaffaaf27
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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What did the bee-mother say when coming home from a hard day at work and all her family is disregarding the table rules?

Why do you beehive like this?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jayjayjaxon
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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A string is walking home one Friday evening after a long week at work

And so the string decides that he shall stop at his favorite Pub and treat himself to a pint before going home to the wife. But after a decent walk he arrives at the pub to find a new sign on the door that reads " No Strings Allowed".

The string becomes infuriated. "How dare they" he thinks to himself. After having been a loyal patron for 10 years he decides this injustice is not to be tolerated and comes up with a plan.

He takes a moment and steps into the back alley way to be discreet. While he is there he ties himself into a knot and frays the top. Content with his disguise he marches back around to the front, enters the bar and has a seat when requests a pint of beer.

The bartender being a little suspicious looks at him a little uneasily but just can't seem to peg what the problem is. He serves him the beer regardless while keeping a close eye on the suspicious character. A little while later the string decides that the week at work has been so long that he is deserving of two pints of beer before going home to retire for the weekend.

It is just at that point when the bartender is serving him his second pint that he pauses and looks at the string and says "Hold on one minute! Aren't you a string?"

To which the string replied, "Sorry, I'm a frayed knot".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannaBrained
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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I could never work an early shift at a funeral home

I'm just not a mourning person

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodStevening
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2017
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I work at home Depot and a customer asks me if we have any buffing compounds

I tell him no, we do not carry any gyms

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
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Network Engineer. Stuck at work monitoring the help desk so everyone else can go home early for the holiday. Watching The Godfather. imgur.com/VKpoxpm
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Mulberry
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2016
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A llama comes home after a hard day at work...

In an effort to cheer him up, his wife says β€œHoney I have great news! I found a great deal on a vacation for us next week! We’re going to Peru!” The husband says β€œPeru?! That’s fantastic! Alpaca suitcase!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vXDos_EquisXv
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
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Met my wife at work and we decided to walk home...

She asks "How should we get home?"

I reply with "Well, we'll just have to take it one step at a time."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/patatbeerho
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2014
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work at a hardware/home improvement store and overheard this

two customers who know each other begin with the usual greeting (hi, how are you?)

Man1: So what are you here for?

Man2: Coming to get some blinds (similar to window curtains)

Man1: Blinds? Why don't you just cover you eyes?

Man1 then proceeds to cover his eyes whilst having a very hearty chuckle.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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Witnessed my first real dad joke at the nursing home where I work. Told by The Grand Master of Dad Jokes himself.

In the dining room during lunch after giving my elder residents desert which was Angel food cake, everyone noticed that the cake was very flat and thin.

One of the ladies said "This is no angel food cake, this is...."

Without missing a beat, this old man with a patch on his right eye interrupts the little old woman and says at the top of his lungs in a raspy, yet clear tone , "I'll tell you what this is!. It's a fallen angel!"

Everyone in the dining room laughed uncontrollably. Not him. He just shakes his head and digs into the cake.

I immediately thought of you guys.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JxWayne
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
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