Did you hear about the Shetland pony with a cold?

He was a little hoarse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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My friend created an artificial heart from stuff he got from a mine and an old pistol...

The heart is a vital ore-gun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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Vital signs

I'm an EMT and I was doing paperwork. My partner walks up to me with the vitals of a patient. BP was done with an automated cuff. Me: What's the blood pressure? Him: 165/95 Me: That's odd, heart rate? Him: 77 Me: Odd, respirations? Him: 16, is that odd too? Me: No, that's even.

I found it hilarious.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
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Can I take your vitals?

"Just don't take them too far."

My old man is in the hospital recovering from a stroke, and just had this exchange with a nurse. I'm very relieved to see he's still it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timinator1000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2016
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A friend of mine told me that Dick Vitale has looked the same for the past 6-7 years..

I guess you could say he hasn't lost any of his..Vitale-ity

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theREALMVP
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2013
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A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.

A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.

The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.

After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.

The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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I was in the E.R...

This was a little while ago. I fell off a roof, landing back first on a curb (I'm fine, luckily). The nurse had just finished taking my vitals when this exchange went down:

Nurse: "Do you smoke cigarettes?"

Me: "Nope"

Nurse: "Alcohol?"

Me: "I don't smoke it!"

(bonus!) Doctor: "Well looks like we don't have to check him for a concussion!"

πŸ‘︎ 390
πŸ‘€︎ u/managong
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2015
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[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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A lot of politicians use statistics like a bikini.

They reveal what is suggestive, but conceal what is vital.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
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When dad gets home from the hospital...

So my pops is in the hospital pretty often lately, but he seems to still have a sense of humor about it. While I was eating dinner with him, he told me a story of his triumph earlier.

A nurse walks into his room, and tells him she's going to take his vitals.

He looks her straight in the eye and says, "Sure, as long as you give them back when you're done with them."

I look over at him and sigh the longest sigh I have all day, haha.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/F4LL3NxEXILE
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2016
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