God: *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the "worm" welcome haha...

God: * creates birds *.

πŸ‘︎ 224
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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Two muffins are sitting in an oven. First one says "boy it sure is hot in here."

The other yells, "Oh my god! It's a talking muffin!"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrPackinwud
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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Spreading groans like they're Covid-19
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OffDutyTaoist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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I am spredding it
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roman_Briggs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
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My Christian wife got mad at me because adultery is a sin

But by god did I love thy neighbor

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Purple_ferret1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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A red blood cell was travelling through the bloodstream...

It bumped into another cell and screamed "Jesus Christ!!" God was not happy, he said "You should never use the Lords name in vein."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordoftheClouds00
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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My coworker was changing the ink cartridge on our printer...

Me: Have you been going to the gym?

Him: Yeah, actually! Why?

Me: Because you look...toner.

Him: God damn it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fuzzus628
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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I believe I speak for almost all of us here

*Good morning *Buenos dias *Bonjour *Guten Morgen *Boungiorno *Bom dia *God morgon *Selamat pagi *Goedemorgen *God morgen *Dobroye utro

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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What happens when you see a dog walking backwards?

You see god

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grimgamertv
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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Ronald McDonald was lonely.

So God made a woman for him from his McRib.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar...

....and the barman says, "Oh God, not U2 again!!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Settle a pun debate

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/creaky_thumbs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Zeus say when he saw everyone getting drunk and acting foolish on Mt. Olympus?

OOO LET THE GODS OUT

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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Officer: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar of antlers

Detective: Dear god

Officer: Yes most likely

πŸ‘︎ 494
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Connor0388
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie,” he says, β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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Honey, you are the sun that lights my sky.

I'm glad you're there, but god I hate looking at you.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PopUpAdCockBlock
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Eulogy of an egg

He died last fry day. Thank God he wasn't beaten. Don't worry, he went over easy. He's now on the sunny side. He's definitely in a better plate.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainBoomerang1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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What did the tree say when it ran into the mall?

Tina? Larry? Where is everybody?!? Oh my god, they’re all gone!!! ... Oooh a sale!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JumpinJaccFlash
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Borderline Inappropriate Dad Joke

This just happened...we get home from doing some Xmas shopping at a certain sporting goods store and my teenage daughter says...

"DAD! Where is your Dick's bag?"

I say "That's inappropriate" .... She looks at me curious like WTH are you talking about

I then say "We call it a condom."

She... pauses for a moment ... then "oh... MY GOD!"... and hysterical "I can't believe you just said that" type laughing ensues

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kindatrolly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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"I'm a strong supporter of the LTPO community...

(Lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion.)"

God dammit, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ASProtag
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
If a tree falls on an Athieist's house...

Is it still considered an act of God?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/villareale52
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Death came for my soul today

Thank god I was in the living room when he came

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kennycrab12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Long, stupid Dad joke

The ancient Greeks greatly feared volcanic explosions from Mt. Olympus, so they developed a tradition of sacrificing young maidens to the Gods on the mountain. Every year they selected five girls, and sacrificed four. Then they assigned the other one to stomp the olive harvest. That’s where we get Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Addama33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandma turned 102 today...

When I asked her, "Whats your secret?"

She looked me straight in the eyes and said, " God is punishing me."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Patrick Roy, perhaps the best goaltender of all time, was having a family reunion.

Being a wealthy celebrity, he'd volunteered to hold the proceedings at his home. The spread was excellent and Pat's father drew him aside as things were winding down.

"I have a feeling your team is going to do great this year!"

"Why's that Dad?"

"I feel like God can't help but root for a man who's a father, a son and a goalie-host."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrobeOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t often tell dad jokes

But when I do, it’s because I’ve seen this damn post 50 million times in the last week, dear god get some creativity, but also, Dad usually laughs.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cats_Macgee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Typo

I have Trypophobia. OH MY FUCKING GOD I DID IT AGAIN.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vikramgirdhari
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Many years after the great flood, God came to Noah again and spoke: β€œNoah, it is my wish that you build another ark.”

Rather worried, Noah said β€œBut my Lord, have the people not been good this time? Must there be another flood?”

β€œNo, there will not be a flood, the people have been good.” Said the Lord.

β€œThen why another ark?” Asked Noah.

β€œI wish for this ark to only house fish.” The Lord replied.

A slightly confused Noah responded β€œOkay... I shall do as you wish my Lord.”

β€œBut not just any fish; only carp.” The Lord said unto him.

Noah, now more bemused, replied β€œUh- okay my Lord.”

β€œOne more thing.” The Lord said unto him β€œit needs to have multiple levels.”

β€œAre you sure my Lord? What is the purpose of this? What on earth is it all for?” Noah pressed.

And God said: β€œI want you to build a multi-story carp-ark.”

Passed from my father unto me, to pass onto my son when he becomes a father.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
We ordered some mail-order chickens a few months ago. Today, one of my housemates said it's looking like one of them is turning out to be a rooster.

I'm like, "Well see, we shoulda gotten female-order chickens instead, that's our problem right there. We're lucky the rest didn't turn out to be roosters too!"

This was an honest-to-god real conversation I just had with my housemate earlier tonight. :)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GlitterCritter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Baby grass snake says to her mum, am I a poisonous snake?

Mum says no baby.

The baby grass snake says, Thank god for that ive just bitten my toungue.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Friend: How'd you know my favorite basketball player was Dirk Nowitski?

Me: I took a stab in the Dirk

Friend: Oh God nooooo!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/savedbytheb3l1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. ..

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Two buddies decide to go ice-fishing one day.

So they get their parkas and snow boots, fishing rods and ice auger, and everything else they need, and go out to find a good spot.

Just as they start to drill a hole in the ice, they hear a great booming voice from above: "There are no fish here!"

"What was that?"

"It sounded like the voice of God!"

"Well let's try somewhere else."

They move away a bit, and settle down to try again. But before they can even start to drill, they hear it again:

"There are no fish here!"

So they pack up and move even farther down the ice. Surely this will be a good spot. But just as they pull out the auger, the voice booms out again:

"Listen you guys, I'm the manager of this ice rink, and I'm telling you there are no fish here!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeppermintBiscuit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Our local cult just started praying for a reservoir to be created on the river running through their compound

God Damnit

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Here is a pun for all my bible reading friends

In an alternate universe, God sends popeye down to speak to moses. When Moses asks Popeye who he is, he responds
"I yam who yam"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
San Francisco gets knocked unconscious in an earthquake

When the city comes to, God is standing over it.

"San Francisco, are you OK?", God asks.

San Francisco replies, "I'm fine, just a little foggy."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theqoflife
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: *gets out of the shower*

Me: Don’t shoot!!

Her: ??

Me: Oh thank God, I thought you were an Itowelian.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yammalishus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Never apollogize

For your bad puns about Greek gods

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DejaVuWho
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The Dad , the Daughter and her prayers.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says β€œGod bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, β€œGood bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, β€œJust because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, β€œGod bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, β€œJust because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, β€œGod bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. β€˜I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, β€œWhere have you been?!” and the husband says, β€œOh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, β€œYour days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HereIsAFookinName
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
When you die, what part of your body goes to heaven first?

Your feet, because God takes your soul

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashur305
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t Adam and Eve gamble in the garden of Eden?

Because God took away their paradise.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kerfandrosSr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
*stares with confusing concern*

Her: what?

Me: ... What IS that?!

Her: what's what?

Me: there's someone on the side of your face...

Her: "what? Oh god, where" proceeds to try to wipe face

Me: right there! .. oh, it's just your ear!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I would name my son: β€œAnother”

*School Teacher: Who can solve this? Another? Other than another?

*Adult Friend showing his picture to his crush

  • Do you love this man?
  • I love another Work 100%. Either β€œI don’t love another”.

*Funeral

  • Hey, who’s die?
  • Another, man.
  • But who?
  • Another.
  • I know but who, god damn it.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/annguyenhus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry

Me: it’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.

My dad: it’s a sockrifice.

(This was an actual joke made by my actual dad today.)

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emthejedichic
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
If god is love, and love is blind

Ray Charles must be god

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frederik_engberg
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar.

The barman says 'Oh god, not U2 again...'

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmyNuggets
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report

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