Tightfisted Puns

In 2013 I was living with the most money-conscious person I have ever met. We'll call him Pennypincher. It wasn't his most annoying trait. That title was held by his screaming graphic profanities via mic at randoms playing Call of Duty at 2am, or maybe leaving his kid's dirty nappies on worktops in the kitchen. But it was the trait that cost me the most.

A few examples:

• All of the bills were in my name. When he moved in, he asked to see copies of the bills so he could determine his exact share. I was fine with this - I wouldn't expect anyone to blindly trust someone they didn't really know, so I'd prepared all the documents in advance in case he asked. I showed them to him. Some bills were paperless, so I showed him my online accounts too. Sorted, right? Nope. Every month (and sometimes every week) he'd query a bill, or ask why internet was so expensive and have me call the company to see if a better rate was available, or ask to see another bill again and get angry when I said I hadn't kept them. I started sending him a monthly break-down to try and mitigate this but he kept at it anyway.

• After a month or so, Pennypincher suggested that because he uses less electricity than I do, he should pay less of a share of the gas/electric bill. I asked how he was able to determine how much electricity I was using and he said I'd left the bathroom light on all day on several occasions. I have no idea if that was true or not, but we're talking pennies here. Pennypincher paid a flat rate on electricity per month anyway; when it varied (like in the winter, for heating), I paid more.

• Before he moved in, Pennypincher told me he had a 5 year old kid - "but you'll probably never see him; I'll have him over maybe once every other weekend". That kid was over almost every night of the week. So in a year his kid spent probably 200-250 nights at our place. By contrast, my girlfriend (who lives in America) came over to visit for six weeks. Pennypincher said it wasn't fair that she could come in and use our electricity, not pay rent, etc. He announced therefore that for that period, he was only going to pay two thirds of his rent, council tax and bills. He said all this several weeks after she'd already left, because that was around the time he decided to save up for the new Playstation and it gave him a hefty £200 head start. And he was true to his word. I had to ask my girlfriend if she was okay helping to cover it, because otherwise I'd have been hurting financially

My main job is a L2 tech support but I do a bit of IT on the side, mostly friends and family stuff.

So my Dad retired from his job and took a part time job working for a consultancy that did design work for sports fields. The office was based in the owners basement. Actually quite roomy, a main room which he shared with the Boss and a coworker, a backroom in which lived a massive Designjet plotter, a dingy backroom which was dubbed the IT Graveyard as it was mstly full of kit dating back to the early 90's and a large bathroom facility.

My dad asked me to take a look at their network setup as it was running "a bit slow", it was taking forever to download email and they couldn't get a printer to connect properly.

I popped round thinking this should be fairly straightforward. What I found was :

Note: Time period for this is around 2007/8

• Two powerful (for the time) quad core P4 machines with 8Gb RAM

• A Canon multifunction beast of a printer from the mid 90's (Parallel port only connection) which he refused to part with as it had cost him a fortune 15 years ago.

• A BT Home broadband router plugged into a hub (Yes, a hub, not a switch)

• Boss was using Hotmail for his email. Over the webmail interface. For sending and receiving massive CAD drawings.

• A 2Tb NAS box used for sharing files.

I managed to keep the incredulous look off my face and proceed to give some advice.

• Swap the crappy BT home router for the Business router that he should have had.

• Swapped the hub for a rackmount 24 port switch, patch panel and a small rack cabinet to put it in. Bit of overkill for a three person office but plenty of room for expansion. I then spent a day or two running Cat5e and ducting round his office into wall sockets.

• We convinced him to buy a cheap $Retailer Tower server which I configured as a Debian LAMP server. Fortunately he had a business ISP account with static IP address and he had registered the domains for his company so setting up the mailserver part was childishly easy. Unfortunately, for some reason, Boss wanted all email to all users to be copied into a shared folder so everyone could basically see everyone else's mail. Shared folders at that time were an utter pig to configure in Dovecot IMAP.

• Convinced him to use the server as the fileserver as well since it was only a 3 user office he wouldn't be generating much email traffic to strain the server box and use the NAS box for backups. This was a fight as he didn't see the need

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Do your worst!

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

Buenosdillas

They’re on standbi

Pilot on me!!

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

When I got home, they were still there.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

I won't be doing that today!

[Removed]

You take away their little brooms

When I signed up for a National Teaching program, I imagined I’d be sent to the Chicago inner city or the Deep South--not this quaint, quiet New Hampshire town.

I just couldn’t understand why the place struggled to keep teachers--or any other out-of-town professional, for that matter. There were always vacancies--even though there’s virtually no crime, friendly people, and most of all, beautiful countryside. When the colors change in fall, the town looks like a postcard...better than a postcard, in fact, because no flat image could capture the vibrant yellows, flaming oranges, and rich ruby reds that cover every hillside. Tourists drive for miles just to stroll through the colorful rain of falling leaves or snap pictures of the morning mist rolling through apple orchards and barnyards.

As a lover of pumpkin spice, Halloween, and all things fall, I was in heaven.

Starting at the beginning of October, elementary-age students decorated the classroom with paper cutouts of ghosts and cobwebs; we carved pumpkins, bobbed for apples, and read The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. To my surprise, I got a lot of positive phone calls from parents, praising the work I’d put into my classes and telling me how much their children had enjoyed them. Principal Harris even pulled me aside to tell me how impressed he was, and mentioned that if I kept it up, he’d pull all the strings he could to get me a permanent position.

Everything was going great until the day of the Halloween sing-along. I’d ordered a CD of spooky-but-kid-friendly songs, and on the chosen day we turned out the lights, put lit candles inside the pumpkins we’d carved, and sat in a circle to sing.

I could feel the children’s anticipation build as I turned on the CD player and hit PLAY. After a few creepy sound effects of fluttering bats, screams, and witch-cackles, the first track began:

Have you seen the ghost of John?

Long white bones with the skin all gone…

Oooh, oo-oo-ooo-oo-ooh…

Wouldn’t it be chilly with no skin on?

As the second verse began, I looked around the classroom.

Something was very wrong.

The children, who usually loved to sing, were silent--except a few who were crying. Most of them had plugged their ears with their hands. I’d expected the songs to be spooky..but this? Running footsteps announced the arrival of Principal Harris; he sprinted across the classroom and turned off the CD player like someone disabling a bomb at the final second.

“Are you nuts?!” he pante

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

There hasn't been a post all year!

Why