My dog lost his favorite toy this week...
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︎ Mar 26 2021
My boss told me I had to stay at home for 2 weeks after my wife bought me an espresso in bed this morning.
I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I've been using my new U2 navigation system this week and it's the worst...
The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!
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︎ Jan 17 2021
After this week's bad weather in Texas, there'll probably be a baby boom in nine months.
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︎ Feb 19 2021
Barbie and Ken are continually arguing over who will empty the dishwasher. One day, Ken says "Barbie, I've unloaded the dishwasher every day this week.. can you PLEASE do it just this once?"
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︎ Mar 14 2021
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
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︎ Apr 10 2020
We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?
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︎ Sep 24 2020
Iβve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner this week...
Itβs just collecting dust.
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︎ Nov 12 2020
Had a painter and decorator round this week. He's a furloughed airline pilot...
He made a lovely job of the landing!
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︎ Dec 08 2020
I got picked for this five-day-a-week, year-long sleep study. It pays $15,000 a month.
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︎ Jun 06 2020
There was a kidnapping at my sonβs school this week.
Fortunately he woke up after half an hour.
Told to me this morning by my 9yo son - I was very proud!
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︎ Nov 20 2020
my wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.
she's worked very hard and i know it's been difficult for her, but i'm very proud. she's in possibly the best shape of her life and she is once again confident in her own body, but i will endlessly love her despite what she looks like.
what, were you expecting me to say something about a baby?
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︎ Nov 16 2020
My wife has been online this week, buying lots of black and white fabric.
I do hope she doesnβt make a habit of it
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︎ Jul 08 2020
Just figured Iβd announce that Iβll be doing a theatrical performance on puns later this week.
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︎ Sep 22 2020
This week I volunteered for the Russian developed Covid-19 vaccine...
I received my first shot yesterday at 4:00 pm, and I wanted to let you all know that itβs completely safe, with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveΡ, and that I feelshΞΊΞΉ ΟoΟoshΞΏΜ Ρ ΡΡΠ²ΡΡΠ²ΡΡ ΡΠ΅Π±Ρ Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ ΡΡΡΠ°Π½Π½ΠΎ ΠΈ Ρ Π΄ΡΠΌΠ°Ρ, ΡΡΠΎ Π²ΡΡΠ°ΡΠΈΠ» ΠΎΡΠ»ΠΈΠ½ΡΠ΅ ΡΡΠΈ.
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︎ Sep 23 2020
Hobby club couldnβt agree on this weekβs craft.
Some selfishly thought minecraft was better than yarncraft.
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︎ Sep 24 2020
My boss told me to wear rubber gloves while dealing with customers this week. I told him βFuck that.β
Iβm doing these prostate exams my way.
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︎ Mar 20 2020
There was this really advanced and expensive cologne that came out last week.
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︎ Sep 28 2020
This fan has been here for 3 weeks and still not shipped
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︎ Jun 06 2020
This week on Dancing With the Tsars
Ivan was Terrible, Peter & Catherine were Great, and Boris was Godunov.
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︎ Aug 18 2020
Iβm gutted I couldnβt go to the cheese tasting event this week
I heard it was a really fondue
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︎ Aug 05 2020
I had this blood test last week and didn't study
Good thing I managed to get a B+
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︎ Aug 13 2020
Picking my cousin up from work at Target, asked her if she's in Style this week (fitting room/clothing)
Her dad said "she's never in style, she's always out of style. Her clothes never look good"!
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︎ Aug 31 2020
If you see me talking to myself this week,
I'm having a parent-teacher conference.
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︎ Aug 30 2020
I have had a decorator in this week. Turns out he is normally a Pilot for BA, but has been furloughed due to Corona.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
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︎ Jun 11 2020
I've been to visit my grandmother's grave three times this week and each time someone has mysteriously covered it in gravy granules.
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︎ Jun 15 2020
Been looking after the blacksmiths dog this week.
Got home last night and it had made a bolt for the backdoor.
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︎ May 29 2020
Just this past week, I went from agony to ecstasy.
At this rate, Iβll finish reading the dictionary in about a month.
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︎ Jun 19 2020
Petition to lock this sub once a week
Because there's no post on Sunday
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︎ Oct 01 2018
Two of my friends got into car accidents this week
Quarantine is driving people crazy
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︎ Jul 02 2020
This place in Jakarta, Indonesia was a Taxi Pool last week
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︎ Jan 03 2020
I've washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
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︎ Mar 17 2020
I got fired from my job this week, which is ridiculous when I'm putting in 70+ hours..
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︎ May 12 2020
My wife asked me to make my flourless chocolate torte this week, but with a few changes to the recipe.
I guess you could say I dabble in torte reform.
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︎ May 05 2020
I got a new job this week as the senior director of Old McDonaldβs farm...
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︎ Sep 04 2018
A few weeks ago I was vacationing, but when I realized how serious the coronavirus was in this place
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︎ Mar 11 2020
I've been in this wheelchair for a week now.
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︎ Dec 29 2019
I dragged a quart of milk 3,000ft up El Capitan in Yosemite this week
I dragged a quart of milk 3,000ft up El Capitan in Yosemite to tell this LEDGE AND DAIRY joke to my pun loving climbing partner
https://i.imgur.com/vClqWea.jpg
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︎ Oct 02 2019
This tweet was sitting in his drafts for at least a week
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︎ Aug 02 2019
This has been such a long week!!
It feels like a whole decade has passed!
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︎ Jan 04 2020
Met this intimidating fellow last week, asked if he needed anything, he replied with a hoarse voice..
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︎ Oct 17 2019
This man goes on holiday for a week and leaves his brother to look after his cat.
He rings him on the 2nd day to ask him how the cat is and is told it's dead. The man tells his brother, "You should've done it in stages. I'm not back for a week, you could've said the cat was on the roof and won't come down. Then maybe it's went up a tree right up to the top. Then the next day that it looks ill or something..... Eventually you could tell me when I'm back.
Anyway, how's our mother doing?"
His brother says:
"She's on the roof, bro"
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︎ Nov 13 2019
At the start of this year I thought Fortnite was going to be a 2 week thing but no.
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︎ Sep 25 2018
I just started growing a mustache a couple weeks ago and I can came home for a few weeks recently. My mom said this to me today
My mom: I didnβt like the idea of the mustache but I have to say itβs grown on me
Me: No mom, itβs actually grown on me
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︎ Dec 24 2019
A man recently immigrated to a new land were he doesnβt speak the language. His fellow workers take him to lunch everyday. One of them teaches him to order Apple Pie and Coffee for himself. For weeks, this is all he orders.
Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs.
Waitress: Hiya honβ, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual?
Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs!
Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Man: ... Apple Pie and Coffee.
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︎ Dec 26 2018
This man's boss said, "You can have a week off if you want to."
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
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︎ Nov 29 2018
This weekβs winning lottery numbers are 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
I mean, what are the odds?
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︎ Sep 02 2018
My son crashed his car for the third time this week.
I said "Give it a break, will you?".
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︎ May 14 2019
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