It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....

It’s night

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaughnSD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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My uncle's friend won the Olympic gold with an epee made from a disposable thin metal sheet often used in cooking...

It was a good aluminum foil

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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How does the Queen (of England) stay so thin?

She keeps all her pounds in the bank.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashtehstampede
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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I tried to rob a bank but the vault was covered in a thin layer of aluminum

Needless to say, my plans were foiled

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElizaWolf8
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted…

"This is a stick up!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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How did the magician make a candy bar appear out of thin air?

He had a lot of Twix up his sleeve

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lancex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
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Painting a Church

A painter is desperate and bids low for a contract to paint the outside of a church. He figures he could still make a profit by adding water to the paint. He wins the contract.

He goes out one sunny day and after a long day's work, he finishes. Thunder cracks and the rain washes away the paint. A voice from the sky booms, "Repaint and thin no more!"

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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What is the difference between Murphys Law and Coles Law?

Murphys Law is the idea of anything that can go happen, will happen. Coles Law is just very thin sliced cabbage.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OctoBear87
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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Gandhi

Gandhi, by the time he died, he was a very thin and elderly man who had walked almost everywhere he went barefoot causing thick pads on the bottom of his feet. He was also an extremely wise man who many considered a seer, and he ate ethnic Indian cuisine causing bad breath........Turns out he was a super fragile calloused mystic hexed by halitosis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aw8nf8
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Mama Frog was really struggling with her youngest, Little Hop. He couldn’t seem to sit still!

That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.

You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.

Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..

And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, she’d say to Little Hop, β€œIf you keep on keepin’ on hoppin around all aimless, I’m gonna turn you into a toad!”

Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.

Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frog’s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.

And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!

And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..

β€œI toad you so.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/martianrome
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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What do you call the marriage of a thin potato to a vat of hot oil?

A relationCHIP.

GET IT?!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Socrathustra
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2017
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"The walls are so thin..

My Dad said to me a while ago.. "The walls are so thin at my house, I can hear the neighbours changing their minds!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/willybroadband
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
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I once caught a fish with a hundred dollar bill in its mouth.

I know this story may sound a little fishy, some of you may even consider it a whale of a tale, but if you take it in tide I’m sure you’ll sea the porpoise isn’t me just beingkoi or * squidding* around or fishing for attention; it was shrimply an act of cod that I’m hooked on sharing with others. If it reely makes anyone crabby or puts me on thin ice, just let minnow and I’ll gladly clam up. I’d hate to see this sub flounder or take a dive because of my own shellfish ambitions.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MC_Minnow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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The Coffin Joke

Three brothers are trick or treating near a shady house. Suddenly, a spider appears on the first brothers arm causing him to scream in shock. This causes the second brother to run away in fear only to get hit over the head by a dead tree branch. The third brother tries to escape but trips over a coffin. Filled with fright, the three brothers decide to go back home before they are stopped by a ghost that informs them, β€œThe items you have encountered today will kill you in exactly 20 years.” and vanishes into thin air. Understandably, the three brothers were terrified out of their wits and ran back to their house.

20 years later on Halloween, the first brother has booby trapped and spider-proofed his entire house. Unfortunately, he accidently runs into a wall causing a black widow to fall on his arm and killing him.

The second brother has prepared for many years and made sure that he was nowhere near any trees. However, he somehow miscalculated by one day and was killed when a lightning bolt struck a tree causing it to fall and crush him.

The third brother completely forgot about the ghost’s warning and was having dinner with his wife. His allergies were really acting up that night, so he decided to go to a pharmacy to purchase some allergy medicine. Suddenly, without any warning, the entire store goes dark and a giant coffin appears in front of him, opens up, and starts moving towards him. Remembering his frightful Halloween over 20 years ago, the brother starts desperately throwing everything in sight towards the coffin but to no avail. Now there is nothing else left other than a lone bottle of NyQuil. In one last brave attempt, the brother throws the bottle of NyQuil at the coffin and it miraculously vanishes.

Because NyQuil keeps the coffin’ away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schosple-collopis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...

The hare vanished into thin hair.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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No stains!

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?

Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

Dad: I have no idea.

Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

It's a tie, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djeclipz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2018
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My corneas are not thick enough for a LASIK surgery

"Not on the thin eyes." The surgeon said.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MogolianShrimp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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A man goes to his church picnic...

He decides to get something to eat. Two lines exist, one with skinny men and the other with men with beer guts. He asked the pastor if there was a difference between the lines.

"Yes," the pastor said. "The one with thin men in it is to get to the food booth. The other is for beer. It is the paunch line."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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Only cabbage for Christmas

So my wife was rooting through my desk to get an envelope and stumbled across one of her Christmas presents that I hadn't wrapped yet. I told her that she's bad for snooping and that I would have to send it back.

Due to recent environmental regulations and the price of coal, it is no longer given to naughty people for Christmas. Instead you get a cabbage. It will come thinly sliced with mayonnaise.

This is known as Coal's Law.

"That was the whole setup wasn't it for that line"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mjbehrendt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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I named my business "Bad Airplane"

I'm not sure I'll get it off the ground successfully...

My investment is crashing...

The only thing that went up in thin air is my money...

Stocks are in a nosedive...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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The Cheating Painter

A man was a painter, he sold paint and also painted houses for people. However, he liked to water down the paint and thin it. He would cheat his customers by forcing them to buy more paint than they needed due to the low quality.

One day, while up on a ladder painting a house with his thinned paint a bolt of lightning struck at him and he fell to the ground.

He heard a deep booming voice from heaven yell "repaint and thin no more!"

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2015
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I should have laughed...

So my dad loves to tell jokes, not one has ever been funny. So one day my GF was over and he decided to share a joke with her. He does. I look at him and I'm like "cmon Dad, that's horrible! U can do better" and laughed kinda like I was pitying him. He goes u think ur so cool huh?" He then got up grabbed me and locked me between his legs. So u all can understand, I'm 16 5"8 and thin. So not many people can't beat me. My dad is 6"3 and jacked. He looks likes mark wahlberg, from pain and gain, and that's not an overstatement. He then goes "what should we do now? How about an old fashioned wedgie!" He grabbed my underwear and pulled as hard as he could. "Why do u want to date a nerd that where's briefs? Haha" he's going. She starts laughing a little. He then goes "let's give u (GF) a better view" he then turns me around and lifts me up with a wedgie, "look at this dork dangle by his undies! Take a picture!" She did then pulled hard again and my underwear tore. He looked at me and went "maybe u shouldn't act like ur top dog kid, it'll get ur undies ripped right off." And she shared the pic around school, and know people come up to me saying "dude ur dad Is like a jock who gives u wedgies!" And makes fun of me for it. A couple of the seniors football player pinned me down and wedgied me so bad in the halls my underwear ripped off. And everyone was laughing. At least it happened at the end of the year so I only had 2 week of teasing. People have forgotten about. IT WAS horrible. And humiliating. So now I laugh at his jokes no matter how cringey they are, cause I fear his wedgies. Because their not regular. There delivered by a man who's biceps are bigger than my head. It's very painful. SO THE LESSON IS TO ALWAYS LAUGH AT DAD JOKES, escpeically if he can dangle u by ur undies!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kwiikberg
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2017
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I love you too.

A husband and wife are enjoying dinner with a bottle wine when the wife stops and says "you've always been there for me, through thick and thin, I don't know how I made it so far but I couldn't have done it without you". The husband turns to her and says "Wow hunny, that's so sweet, is that you or the wine talking though?". The wife turns to the husband and says, "what the hell are you talking about? I'm talking to the wine".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gdott
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
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A three-reader face-palmer of a dadjoke

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CattMristoff
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
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Dad at a get together.

Having a family get together after several of my relatives got pregnant when the conversation turns to this fact one says:

"Ahhh there must be something in the air..."

"Well, their legs." he calmly explained beer in hand and staring into thin air.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nicetuxedotodie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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My brother was telling us about this character from a TV show that he likes...

The character's name is Onion.

Me: I can see why you like that character. Sounds like he's got many layers.

Dad: Yeah, but the problem is he's got really thin skin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dramusic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2015
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I just got a dadjoke from my childhood.

I was in my single digits, and my dad was taking me for a walk through a frozen park during winter. I kept stepping on top of frozen puddles trying to crack the ice underneath me. Since I was making my pants all wet, after a while my dad started to get really frustrated, and he said "You're on thin ice".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/soraendo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2015
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Tortured the trivia night host.

Question: How many layers are there in the atmosphere. Team answer: 5

Host: You guys got it right! How did you know that? Me: I pulled it out of thin air.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foster_Reddit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2015
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Just got dad-joked by my Cub Scout.

I'm a bit under the weather today, with, um... 'tummy troubles'. When I got my son to his Cub Scout meeting today, I had to urgently use the restroom.

It's a thin door, and right during the part of the Scout Oath where they declare: "I will do my duty...", it happened. Very, very loudly.

They all stopped mid-sentence, and I heard my son yell: "My dad just did his doody!" To the 9-year-old mind, there's nothing better than bathroom humor. Would have been nice if the other parents weren't laughing, too, when I exited...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gatorflier
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2014
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Witnessed my first real dad joke at the nursing home where I work. Told by The Grand Master of Dad Jokes himself.

In the dining room during lunch after giving my elder residents desert which was Angel food cake, everyone noticed that the cake was very flat and thin.

One of the ladies said "This is no angel food cake, this is...."

Without missing a beat, this old man with a patch on his right eye interrupts the little old woman and says at the top of his lungs in a raspy, yet clear tone , "I'll tell you what this is!. It's a fallen angel!"

Everyone in the dining room laughed uncontrollably. Not him. He just shakes his head and digs into the cake.

I immediately thought of you guys.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JxWayne
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
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Dadjoking Shorty (part 1)

A bit of backstory. I'm notorious among my circle of friends for telling "terrible puns/jokes" I think it's amazing, but I'd been rolling them out all day, patience for puns must've gotten shortened.

I'm talking with Shorty (named because she had short hair) and she was telling me about a book she had started.

Shorty "So the book's called 'Cutting for Stone' and it's like a doctor drama kinda thing, the only issue is that that it's super heavy on the medical terminology, so many bloody surgeries and procedures are listed, and I don't really know anything about that kids stuff. Like it's got an interesting plot but I don't know if I can't finish it, I'm not to sure I'm cut out for it"

At that last line I began laughing (her pun was unintentional) and compliment her on it "ha that was good. You're not 'cut out' for it"

Shorty "Oh god that was terrible just stop"

Me "You want me to 'cut' it out?"

Shorty "I'm going to kill you if you keep this up woman"

Me "You're gonna 'cut' me up?"

Shorty "Your jokes are terrible and it's proven that puns make people angry"

At this point I was just rolling in my chair laughing I really couldn't keep it together, possibly the best reply rolls through my head after this comment, I crack up, there I am choking out as tears come to my eyes. "Well it's a good thing it's not a PUNishable offense"

The girl next to me starts laughing as shorty yells at me how I can't just start crying at my own jokes.

TLDR; A witty banter of sharper than usual humor, as I walk a razor thin line of pissing off my friend and pissing myself with laughter.

I have many other stories so I titled this part one,if anybody likes my writing and jokes I'll share the rest!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bingo4913
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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Dadjoked my dad when making waffles

So we were running out of waffle batter and so we got a very thin waffles on the last batch this morning, almost like this.

Dad: You want this last waffle? We didn't quite enough batter.

Me: Nah you can take it. But that's not a waffle. That's an affle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ollien
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
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Jazz dadjoke

So while preparing for a dinner party Miles Davis "My Funny Valentine" comes on the player. I have been slowly trying to thin out some of the unecessay tunes on our device. I don't really care much for jazz, but the wife likes it.

Me: So I assume you like this song?

Wife: Yeah

Me: I feel like I am at friend who enjoys torturous jazz's house.

Wife: It's not like it's free jazz.

Me: Free or not, it's taxing my ears!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruderthanyourmom
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
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I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted…

"This is a stick up!"

πŸ‘︎ 350
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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What is the difference between Murphys Law and Coles Law?

Murphys Law is the idea of anything that can go happen, will happen. Coles Law is just very thin sliced cabbage.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OctoBear87
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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How did the magician make a candy bar appear out of thin air?

He had twix up his sleeve

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hunteraln
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2015
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What is the difference between Murphys Law and Coles Law?

Murphys Law is the idea of anything that can go happen, will happen. Coles Law is just very thin sliced cabbage.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OctoBear87
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report

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