The Reptile Puns

I'm not good with crock pots.

...surely you've heard of the "dragon drop" interface.

Tortoise

They had a severe case of a reptile dysfunction.

A Commode-o dragon.

Crosspost from r/jokes

What a croc of shit that turned out to be.

The instagator

The vet said it had a reptile dysfunction.

The zoo tour guide told us that one of the snakes was sick. I blurted out "he must have a reptile dysfunction".

context: My dad and I have a baby python named peter, and he's been striking at the glass of the cage when you walk near him.  

  me: Peter is such an asshole, just went to check on him and he went to bite me.  

  dad: Well, I called the vet today about him being mean, turns out he has a reptile-dysfunction.  

  me: GROANS

I work at a pet store and our order of reptiles came in...

Me: I soaked the new guys and put em in there habitats.

Manager: how are they looking?

Me: Good but there's something about the new chameleon.. he might be a problem

Manager: Whats wrong with him?

Me: I don't trust him, he's got shifty eyes

Manager: Oh god, go get ready for the cricket shipment please.

Edit: wall of text

My dad supplies the swords and weaponry to medieval times.

Dad:This day is just like a very large, magical and mythical reptile.

Me: How so

Dad: It's a dragon

A bit of a reverse-dad joke, my brother and dad were talking about the actors in the movie. My dad was lamenting Megan Fox being April, and said "I don't see how anyone could like that lizard face of hers."

My brother shrugged and calmly responded, "It gives some guys a boners, others get e-reptile dysfunction."

The guy on line behind us started laughing uncontrollably.

We couldn't find the reptile in the aquarium. I'm pretty sure the exhibit was empty.

So I said to my son: "Oh look! He's right under there!"

My boy has heard that one a million times already and wasn't taking the bait.

But! - The stranger standing next to us says: "Under where?"

"LOL! - I made you say Underwear"

Dude smiled and groaned. My kid laughed his ass off.

I was at the Zoo yesterday and walking around with a large group of people being guided around. We came up to the reptile area and happened to stop outside the "Lace monitor" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lace_monitor) exhibit.

A few moments later the guide asked if anyone knew anything about the Lace monitor, to which I replied "They wait for little kids to run past and shout HEY YOU! DO UP YOUR LACES!!".

Not a single laugh. The SO stepped away from me.

We were at the zoo today and passed by the reptile display. Unfortunately, it was closed... because of reptile dysfunction.