The English left a Mark in Ireland
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︎ Mar 07 2023
I left my front door open yesterday and my Roomba went right outside and I haven't seen it since. I'm afraid that it's going to die out there in the wild.
You know, because Nature Abhors a Vacuum.
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︎ Jan 05 2023
My kids have left the nest, so I don't get to make them laugh (groan) as much, but got this chance yesterday:
My daughter was telling me about driving through the countryside and seeing a pack of coyotes in a pasture in the middle of the day.
I said, "Those must have been some exceptional specimens."
Against her better judgment she asked, "Why do you say that?"
I replied, "Because they were out standing in their field!"
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︎ Jan 01 2023
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
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︎ Mar 26 2023
Why do they only put portholes on the left side of a ship?
Because if they were on the right side, they'd be starboard holes!
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︎ Mar 11 2023
What did the Terminator say as he left the toothbrush store?
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︎ Mar 23 2023
My wife asked me to change the kids before we left
I told her no, they will keep being who they are
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︎ Mar 26 2023
someone left their soul outside the church
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︎ Jan 01 2023
I left my car in the frog parking lot . Guess what?
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︎ Mar 16 2023
I love sleeping on the left side of my bed
Because my girlfriend is always right
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︎ Mar 14 2023
my friend had the whole left side of his body cut off
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︎ Feb 15 2023
I went for a nude massage but the masseuse only focused on the left side.
She did a half assed job.
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︎ Mar 20 2023
I had an energy drink with me this morning when I left the house.
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︎ Mar 21 2023
In England, they drive on the left
Where I live, we drive on what's left.
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︎ Mar 03 2023
What do you call a person missing the left side of their body?
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︎ Mar 22 2023
*trips over wife's bra that was left on the floor*
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︎ Feb 28 2023
I once dreamt that I was the number 2, and it left me feeling numb.
Then I dreamt that I was the number 4, and it left me feelingβ¦
Even number.
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︎ Jan 19 2023
We were locked out of our house. I accidentally left the key in. Dad went ahead and whispered something to the door, and it opened!
When I asked him what he did, he said "Communication is the key"
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︎ Feb 19 2023
Someone left a number 2 in the bathroomβ¦
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︎ Dec 06 2022
A guy told me there was a shark attack today. The shark took out his whole left side.
Couldn't believe it when he told him he was all right.
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︎ Feb 25 2023
Iβm crying because my girlfriend left me and she always kept the house spotless
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︎ Jan 31 2023
Few know about the time I left my job building skyscrapers in the middle of adding another floor
Never got to finish the storey
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︎ Feb 02 2023
What did the right eye say to the left eye?
Just between us, something smells
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︎ Jan 16 2023
When you use the bathroom, do you wipe with your left or right hand?
Personally, I use toilet paper.
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︎ Jan 10 2023
I know someone who once lost complete use of the left side of their body.
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︎ Jan 23 2023
I was going to make a joke about the cookie I left on the counter.
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︎ Feb 04 2023
A real estate agent decided to serve her country and become a spy in North Korea. Before she left, the training officer said, βJust remember three things:
Look Asian, Look Asian, Look Asian.β
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︎ Jan 20 2023
I ran over a rat so big, it left a dint on the tarmac.
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︎ Feb 01 2023
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way youβll start off the new year on the right foot.
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︎ Jan 01 2023
I left work early and my daughter texts me saying the remote is broken...
I was about five minutes from home when I got the text (she didn't know I was coming home early) I got home, ran to her room and said "I got here as fast as I could! Where's the remote?"
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︎ Dec 24 2022
What did the color blue say when it left the party?
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︎ Dec 05 2022
The doctor told me I had a day left, so I went on my first roller coaster.
It was the ride of a lifetime.
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︎ Jan 14 2023
I met a guy who had an accident and lost the left side of his bodyβ¦
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︎ Sep 29 2022
Why did the man become a murderer after his wife left him?
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︎ Nov 29 2022
My wife left her Crocs in front of the refrigerator, preventing me from opening it. When I asked why they were there...
She says, "it's a Croc Block."
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︎ Jan 01 2023
I hate when people take their food out of the microwave when there's still a few seconds left.
It's such a waste of time.
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︎ Dec 30 2022
Why was the left handed thief upset?
Because he got caught right handed
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︎ Dec 05 2022
Spock has three pointy ears: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. What does Scotty have?
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︎ May 30 2022
The day I got promoted, a male deer wandered into my garden and never left.
I guess now I'm the boss, the buck stops with me.
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︎ Dec 09 2022
The toilet paper shortage in California left residents wondering
Where in the world is Charmin, San Diego?
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︎ Dec 14 2022
What did the buffalo say when his son left?
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︎ Nov 17 2022
Did you hear about the guy with no left arm? No?
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︎ Nov 02 2022
Before the clock strikes midnight, raise your left leg.
That way you'll start the new year off on the right foot.
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︎ Dec 31 2022
What did the right eye say to the left eye?
βHonestly, between you and me something smellsβ
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︎ Dec 21 2022
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