True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
Did you hear about the person who invented the door knocker?
They won the Nobel prize.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
Why do bouncers throw violent drunks out the back door?
Because they belong behind bars.
As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
I knocked on the fridge door before I opened it .
I could hear the salad dressing.
I'm running a D&D campaign and I figured out the best riddle for the players to solve to open a door.
"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"
>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<
So the cops just came to my door, they said my dog was chasing someone on a bike, I told them "my dog doesn't even own a bike"
Yesterday when I walked into a store, a clown held the door open for me.
I thought it was a nice jester
A police officer just came to the door and said he was looking for a man with one eye.
I told him he would probably find him faster he used both.
Last Halloween a girl dressed as the grim reaper came to my door with messy hair and asked me politely to fix it.
That night, I had a brush with death.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
I told my son, look the church has locked up the door and turned off their lights. He said, what's that got to do with anything? I said well,...
I exercise by running up the street and knocking on all the doors....
Why did the bank manager close the door?
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.
That way, I always make a grand entrance.
How does an angry Muslim close the door?
You know why you should always knock on the fridge door before opening it?
Because there might salad dressing inside.
How do Italians knock on the door?
"Honey, who might bee at the front door?"
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.
Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?
We live next door to the Pullovers.
They're a tight knit family.
The chicken coop only had 2 doors
since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.
A Higgs-Boson walks into a church, only to be stopped by a priest at the door. "I'm very sorry but we don't allow Higgs-Boson in here."
The Higgs-Boson then replies, "But without me, how will you have mass?"
My roomba went out my front door and a pack of bears attacked it, an eagle carried it away to the ocean, and a shark finished it off.
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
How do you tell the difference between a male door and a female door?
One has a ding-dong and the other has knockers.
My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighborhood animals immediately started attacking it.
When the elevator doors opened for me to enter, everyone was asleep inside...
Must be that Ambien music that they play
I once got into an argument with a co-worker, who slammed the door so hard when he left, it broke the latch.
Which sucked, because I thought we needed the closure...
(true story) After having my son install an electric keypad deadbolt on the man door in my garage, my daughter says:
Dad, are you sure that new deadbolt was man-door-tory??
Making daddy proud.
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
Good thing there are just the two doors to the US Capitol building
Cause attempted sedan doesn’t have the same ring to it
Why should you always knock on the fridge door before you open it?
Because there could be a salad dressing!
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it.
Just in case, there's a salad dressing.
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
To the man who invented the door knocker
I hope you win a Nobel prize
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I always knock on the door of the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
The chicken coop only had 2 doors since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.
You should always knock on the fridge door before opening it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
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