Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
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︎ May 05 2021
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
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︎ May 03 2021
A lot of the jokes on this sub are just terrible, but at the end of the day...
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︎ Apr 20 2021
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
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︎ Mar 12 2021
Today is the day I can post it
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︎ Mar 02 2021
I forgot to post this on Pi Day. Oh well! The Argyle Sweater for 3/14/21
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︎ Mar 15 2021
I overdosed on viagra the other day
It was the hardest day of my life
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︎ Apr 17 2021
I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it
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︎ Apr 22 2021
I bought a record player the other day, but it only plays Bach.
It would be nice if it played forward too.
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︎ May 14 2021
I have a theory that yeast will one day rule the world
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︎ Apr 23 2021
I had a mean sandwich the other day.
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︎ May 13 2021
In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime.
It usually resulted in a long sentence.
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︎ Mar 16 2021
Did youhear about the dog that sat outside a hospital for an entire day
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︎ Apr 24 2021
I tried to catch the fog one day
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︎ Apr 22 2021
The other day a bunch of books fell down on my head.
I guess I only have my shelve to blame!
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︎ Apr 18 2021
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
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︎ May 03 2021
What is a Dentist's favorite time of the day?
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︎ Apr 29 2021
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese
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︎ Apr 27 2021
I went to buy some camouflage shorts the other day.
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︎ May 15 2021
TIL the average dog barks 14 times a day.
This is just a ruff estimate, though.
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︎ May 13 2021
I was walking with my son the other day...
He picked up an acorn and asked me what it was. I told him it was a tree. He said really? I said, well in a nutshell yes.
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︎ Mar 06 2021
As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said, "Have a good day son."
"Don't call me son, you're not my dad.!!" I said.
As the lift door closed, he looked me in the eye and said, "I brought you up, didn't I ?"
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︎ Apr 01 2021
I went to a microbrewery and a soft serve ice cream store the other day.
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︎ May 04 2021
My wife saw me drinking from a Halloween skull the other day
Wife: whoβs skull is that
Me: a man named Phillip
Wife: whatβs in it?
Me: vodka and orange juice.
Wife: .......
Me: itβs a Phillips head screwdriver
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︎ Mar 16 2021
What is the nicest day of the year?
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︎ Apr 23 2021
I got into an argument with a statue the other day...
and I have to admit it had some rock solid points.
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︎ Apr 11 2021
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No the steaks are too high."
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︎ Apr 01 2021
what's the best day of the week to poop?
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︎ Apr 21 2021
I've had the most emotional cake day ever
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︎ Mar 11 2021
I cleaned the attic with my wife the other day
Now I canβt get the cobwebs out of her hair!
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︎ May 08 2021
A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
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︎ Feb 28 2021
What do you call the day after 2 days of constant rain?
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︎ May 08 2021
Did you hear about the guy who went on a fruit diet? In just 2 days, he became completely obnoxious
Evidently, it is enough to make a Mango crazy
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I watched one of those really good black and white movies the other day
Interracial porn is great
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︎ May 04 2021
My wife works with birds at the zoo. The other day I asked her about the lifespan of a falcon. She said they usually live for about 15 to 20 years.
"I guess that means all the Millennial Falcons are gone."
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︎ May 04 2021
One day all mathematical signs gathered together in order to go into an adventure. Right before they were leaving, they didn't let the equal sign go with them.
They wanted to live an adventure without equal
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︎ May 14 2021
I was interrogating a crab the other day and I asked it βWhatβs your name? Where do you live? Whatβs that on your back?β
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︎ Apr 05 2021
I dropped my PB&J sandwich on the street the other day.
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︎ May 01 2021
Vocabulary for the day
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︎ Mar 22 2021
Why couldn't the seven days stand on their own?
Because they were 'week'.
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︎ May 12 2021
The other day I asked my dad why he chose window cleaning as a profession
He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing
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︎ Mar 31 2021
I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didnβt sound anything like wasps!
Then I realised I was playing the bee side.
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︎ Mar 03 2021
My friend sent me a joke on here the other day
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︎ Apr 19 2021
In honor of Star Wars Day (May The Fourth), hereβs a themed dad joke!
Did you know the temperature of a Bacta tank is lukewarm?
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︎ May 04 2021
The other day I was driving home...
And my cellphone chimed in "Turn left in 160 meters..." despite the fact that that I was on the quickest route home...
I couldn't help myself, I raged against the GPS machine and screamed "Fuck you I won't turn where you tell me!"
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︎ May 15 2021
Wife: Dad, stop using the name Peter in the place of Penis. One day the kids will meet a kid named Peter.
Me (husband): I agree. This should be kept private.
Wife: groan...
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︎ May 01 2021
I hope that the universe keeps on expanding forever so all the heat runs out some day. It means that eventually things are gonna be 0 K
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︎ Apr 08 2021
I got attacked the other day by two guys when they threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me.
I was in so much shock all I could retaliate with was "what the Hellmann's"
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︎ May 10 2021
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
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︎ Mar 12 2021
Went to the zoo the other day.
The only animal they had was a dog. It was a shitzu.
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︎ Mar 08 2021
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