Holger was sawing wood in his backyard when he was approached by a salesman who said, “You know, you could be sawing twice as much wood if you got an electric saw.”
“Dat may be so,” said Holger, “but I don’t need twice as much wood.”
I still fell for it though
cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag?
customer: No, I prefer it in the jug
Once a pun a time
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Why do prisoners hate computers?
The escape key never works.
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How do trees get on the internet?
They log in.
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Knock knock.
Who's there? Toucan. Toucan who? Toucan play at that game
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How do bees brush their hair? With honeycombs.
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Why was the empty Olympic stadium so hot? All the fans had left.
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Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side.
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Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
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Can February March? No but April may.
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Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
10.why are recycling bins so optimistic? Cuz they're full of cans.
[Insert minion meme]
My daughter brought her friend over. Said she had her hair dyed.
Me: your hair died? So sorry. When’s the funeral?
Got both of them groaning with that one. 😁
I said "Hi sick-and-tired-of-all-your-lame-ass-stupid-jokes, I'm Dad."
So, I was pretty worn out the other day and was not even close to my A game in terms of coherent conversation, let alone my sense of humor.
At dinner, the kids wanted some yogurt so my wife got up to get it and asked me, "Do you want some yogurt, Baby?"
I paused for a moment to actually decide whether I wanted some and must have made some weird look, because she immediately followed up with, "I know, I know, 'What's a yogurt baby?'"
The Dad Joke is strong in my home even when I'm not there to do the work. That is good news.
A coworker of mine has said the same joke around 5 times atthe end of the day.
what did the shepard say to the other sheperd? Get flock out of here.
I responded with what did the soup tell the spoon? Get the fork out of here.
So i am asking you guys for similar jokes to say at the end of the day. Those two jokes over two weeks now have become boring.
Her: 'I feel a bit Belgian this morning.'
Me: 'What?'
Her: 'Ya know? Phlegmish!'
It's been haunting me ever since. Now anytime I make a dad-joke, rather than groaning she just responds, 'eh, still not as good as mine.'
So i was watching Thor with my mom's boyfriend and its at the part when Thor gets his hammer back and kicks up dust and such. He creates the huge tornado and my mom says, "Look it's a tornado!" Then mom's boyfriend says,"That's not a tornado, that's a THORnado!" Groans all around but i chuckled.
So I work at a fertilizer plant and we have a weekly team meeting. This one maintenance guy brings in a bearing that failed the week before to show it to us.
My supervisor: "Ahh I see you've come with gifts."
Me: "No, he's come bearing gifts."
Room was filled with laughter and groans.
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it. The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “Yeah.”
Detector: “Beep.“
Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”
Detector: “Beep.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Detector: “Beep.”
Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”
Detector: “Beep.”
The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
[Customer walks into the store]
Me: "Good morning! Can I help you find anything today?"
Customer: "Yeah, do you guys have any mice?"
Me: "Yes, they're right over h—"
Customer: "You should call an exterminator!"
For example:
Mum: Your cousin is having a baby this Christmas. Step-dad: Everyone else is having turkey though. Mum: sigh
Mum: Guess what was in iceland today. Step-dad: Freezers.
The list goes on.
