I replied, "Depends."
I found them, though
So I work at an industrial fabrication and welding shop. Every week management holds a brief floor meeting to cover a topic related to industrial safety and touch on any general housekeeping. I've created a niche as the "joke-teller" to wrap up every meeting. The presentation this week is on heat straightening (process to heat a piece of steel with a torch). I'm coming up short on a solid dad joke to tie it all together. Hoping the community can help me out. What do you got?
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡With a confused but serious look the officer replied "The (city-name) Police Department doesn't have any balls sir". After my brief chuckle he used the force to arrest me. Not the light force or the dark force. He used excessive force. The light sabers are black and made of wood but they really hurt. The force was strong with that one.
He led the local police on a brief chase.
Me: "3 and 5."
Wife: "That's odd."
Other daughter: "Even when you add them."
I've done well.
Edit: Spacing.
Edit 2: Holy gold Batman! I told my family we were brief internet celebrities last night, now we're royalty! Thanks the internet!!!
I responded, "Sorry ma'am, I only wear boxers."
after a long sigh "Very well sir.. have a good day."
I guess you could say that the "Joker" without an R is just a joke.
My wife and I just had our first yesterday. My son was less than 10 minutes old when the doctor was doing some post delivery stitching for my wife.
My wife said: "how many stitches is it going to be?"
Doc: "we're not actually counting stitches with this, it's a running stitch"
Without missing a beat, I said "is it going after the fridge?"
There was very brief pause of activity in the room, and then soft chuckles and head shakes. Someone muttered "that's a good one". I feel like I've been inaugurated.
Edit: to everyone confused by this, I'll explain
Back when landlines were the main way of calling people, and cellphones and caller ID was rare (or non-existent), making crank calls was a.... common past-time.
One of the common ones was went like this:
Victim: "hello?"
Pranker: "hi, is your fridge running?"
Victim: "yes, why?"
Pranker: "well then you better go catch it!"
And then you hang up. So the joke here is that because it was a "running stitch" it was running to catch the fridge.
<ba-dum tsss>
It's "the."
Gastroenterologists have heard every colon/rectum/bile/poop-related joke ad naseum, but I managed to sling a couple of original zingers while being prepped for my colonoscopy.
#1
Me to anesthesiologist: How long have you worked at this clinic?
Anest: About a year. Been with field medical teams my entire career. This is the first time settled down in a clinic...and first time in gastro.
Me: I see. After years in the field, how do like working in an orifice?
Anest.: LOL, no idea how I haven't heard that one yet.
#2
Doctor: We're administering the sedative now. You'll wake up in the recovery bay where I'll brief you.
Me: OK, I'll see you on the outside...[getting groggy]...after you see me on the inside...
Doctor: OK, I'm stealing that one....
Brief background: stepdaughter is 20 years old and has always hated when I make puns/dadjokes
So my step daughter just came downstairs heading out for work and just as she's walking out the door I noticed she has only one shoe on.
Me: "Hey! You know you only have one shoe on, right?
Her: "yeah, the other one is in my car"
Me (visibly confused): "uh...ok"
Her: "you might say I'm a step ahead"
The door shuts, my jaw dropped.
I run to the door, open it,
"Was that a pun? did you just make a dad joke?!"
She replies only with a smirk.
I'm so proud.
After a quick investigation, the Prosecutor was able to turn it into a brief case.
Recently, my brother came a-knocking upon my chamber door. At first, I ignored his knockings, as I was otherwise indisposed, but eventually I relented, arose from my recumbent pose upon my comparatively humble pallet, and went to my door, the lintel of which is obviously forsaken of and unornamented by a bust of Pallas, yet I am not Poe's somewhat well-to-do narrator, so....I digress. Let me just finally arrive at the whole point and punchline of this particular and peculiar yet picayune semi-autobiographical story: So, I flung wide open the door, but neither so suddenly nor violently as to so take my brother off his guard that said flinging door struck him full in the face, but with still such a show of force that he well knew that he had awakened to full furiousness the rather sporadically beastly person who dwelt behind it. At any rate, startled by my unoccluding of the door or not, the first thing out of his mouth was a query concerning my collection of tools, which is even humbler than my pallet. In short, he inquired of me as to whether or not I possessed a hammer, to which inquiry I replied only that I used to, and then made a brief, dumb show of gesturally looking for it. When my silly and simple search proved fruitless, I then said, upon seeing a stack of canned food that sat upon the splintered shelf in the marred and ancient armoire that formerly belonged to our deceased father, "What if you were to use this can? Or, if you like, this CANMER"? (And thus concludes my hardly lengthy nor revelatory tale. Lol)
Supposedly it was a sold out tour, fairly apparent considering not a single seat was available on the bus!
At one point we happened to come across a field FULL TO THE BRIM with cows, and so I pleaded the bus driver to stop so we could take it all in.
We disembarked and took our places at the field fence, taking in the view of cow after cow.
I wondered to myself how it was so easy for folk to distinguish between cow and bull so readily, and so voiced my frustrations to the farmer close by.
“Excuse me sir, I’ve looked at your cattle and can’t for the life of me pick out a feature to help tell me the sex!!!!”
The farmer looked at me for a brief moment, painted with concern before asking,
“What about the udders…?”
I shook my head and frowned, and with mounting uncertainty replied,
“Not sure, you’d have to ask them!”
The Doctor told him it was a brief-case.
And for a brief moment, I had a connection with the house.
So my dad loves to tell jokes, not one has ever been funny. So one day my GF was over and he decided to share a joke with her. He does. I look at him and I'm like "cmon Dad, that's horrible! U can do better" and laughed kinda like I was pitying him. He goes u think ur so cool huh?" He then got up grabbed me and locked me between his legs. So u all can understand, I'm 16 5"8 and thin. So not many people can't beat me. My dad is 6"3 and jacked. He looks likes mark wahlberg, from pain and gain, and that's not an overstatement. He then goes "what should we do now? How about an old fashioned wedgie!" He grabbed my underwear and pulled as hard as he could. "Why do u want to date a nerd that where's briefs? Haha" he's going. She starts laughing a little. He then goes "let's give u (GF) a better view" he then turns me around and lifts me up with a wedgie, "look at this dork dangle by his undies! Take a picture!" She did then pulled hard again and my underwear tore. He looked at me and went "maybe u shouldn't act like ur top dog kid, it'll get ur undies ripped right off." And she shared the pic around school, and know people come up to me saying "dude ur dad Is like a jock who gives u wedgies!" And makes fun of me for it. A couple of the seniors football player pinned me down and wedgied me so bad in the halls my underwear ripped off. And everyone was laughing. At least it happened at the end of the year so I only had 2 week of teasing. People have forgotten about. IT WAS horrible. And humiliating. So now I laugh at his jokes no matter how cringey they are, cause I fear his wedgies. Because their not regular. There delivered by a man who's biceps are bigger than my head. It's very painful. SO THE LESSON IS TO ALWAYS LAUGH AT DAD JOKES, escpeically if he can dangle u by ur undies!
I'd been doing yard and shed work on a hot day and bought some boardshorts/trunks from an op shop (goodwill) on my way home. Joked around with the older ladies at the register. They said I should try them on and give them a parade... As I was walking away I said "... nah, I'm too hot and dirty..."
As the words were still coming out of my mouth I realized what I'd done. I left in a confused haze of embarrassment and achievement. For a brief moment I touched the state of effortless dad joke.
We were at the dinner table with my adult children and my son said he was teaching his physics class the concept of simple machines. He had given the class a brief intro about their usefulness and how they can be found everywhere. Then he asked the students to come up with all the examples they could think of.
My daughter, barely containing herself to wait for a pause in the conversation, said with only the slightest of grins, "So the lesson would be 50 ways to love your lever?"
My dadness has been passed on. Nothing left for me to do here.
Today I received a call from so weird ass number. "Hello Mr. Humblestudmuffin, we would like to ask you to participate in a brief survey about the current general election."
"Oh, I only wear boxers. Have a good night!"
click
The culprit was quickly found so you could say it was a very brief case.
A director and a costume designer had a disagreement over a critical shot in the horror movie they were filming in their studio.
The director planned to use CGl for a brief but critical reveal-shot of the movie's monster. But the costume designer insisted they use an actual costume instead of CGl.
"CGl makes a movie look cheap these days," she proclaimed.
The two of them continued debating until they began arguing. The stage crew, actors on break, and other people around them began watching until both the costume designer and director were shouting over each other at the top of their lungs. Despite their efforts, nobody could calm them down.
Fearing the incident may lead to blows, one of cameramen called a studio security guard in urgent request. The guard arrived a minute later and made a beeline for the director and costume designer, who were being held back by multiple people on set.
"lt's my movie. l make the decisions!" the director hollered, hoarse and red in the eyes.
"The movie quality will suffer!" the costume designer screamed, hair plastered across her sweaty face.
The security guard stepped in-between them and raised his pistol at the ceiling without a word. They continued to argue around him. There was a bark of gunshot, then nothing but silence and some falling plaster.
"Now see here," the guard said loudly, stepping back to look at the two of them. "Either you two quit your bickering or l'll have to escort you off the premises. You're making a scene."
We are renovating our bathroom. Almost finished all we have left is to hang the door. He measures the door frame and asks me "How big is the door?" i looked him dead in the eyes and replied "Big enough to fit the hole"
There was a brief pause then we both broke out into laughter.
A quaint little men's class,
a few with class,
some smelling of a gin glass,
some with eyes of a lass,
the remainder eyeing a lad,
but all glad,
and all present,
youngster of the present,
bearders of the crescent,
readers new testaments,
preachers of old testaments,
bearers of saffron tenets,
wearers of white tints,
weird lovers of croissant,
well, all here, will all hear?
we never know,
lets look at the show
The English teacher, said,
"how to drink a juice?"
i know, said bart the bartender,
"with vodka and chicken tender"
the weirded beardo now angry,
showed he was a shouter,
wanted to be a bart-ender,
while shushing the crowd,
use a pipe, piped up a voice, loud,
"huh" exclaimed preacher pastor,
"no smoking" he said, showing a guilty fluster ,
"no sir" said the voice,
I'm extra maker,
spoke the voice quicker,
Mr.White scratching head,
"I'm an ex-straw maker",
the air cleared.
Proceeding further, Teacher continued,
the class was listening, eyes glued,
"etiquette is important" he said,
"wear napkin before eating",
their faces changed,
pulse now beating,
Mr.White said, "sir, we don't bleed",
an irritated saffron Sundar spoke,
"if you bleed, education you don't need"
the English sir, now a sundered bloke,
calmed the masked fish market,
as his God's fate chisel hammered,
"Do you know how to fork?" he stammered,
a brief silence, and too many whispers later
"I Pen is use sir", said a bright face,
"Do you know how to use a fork?" he corrected,
with damage now done, Silence resumed.
>ThePundits
The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.
The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didn’t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxer’s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasn’t hiring me for my looks and I wasn’t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.
Max Dad P.I. - that’s me. Private Investigator’s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and that’ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.
“So as I was saying, Mr Dad,” she began.
“Please, call me Max”
“Alright, Max… well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?”
“No that’s alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,” I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, “I’m sure it’ll be a brief case.”
After a brief explanation of what 420 is, my dad responded with:
So it's the pot smoker's cocktail hour.
It's the pottail hour.
In the late '60s the government was developing ARPANET and the developers were trying to find a way for users on the system to communicate with each other.
The scientists involved came up with an electronic messaging system that they called the Tickle.
Tickles could be used to send important code updates, meeting invitations, or even just little jokes all along the network.
The DOD heard about these Tickles and asked for a briefing to determine their military potential. At a high-level meeting of generals and admirals, the lead developer presented the Tickle concept.
The ranking General asked for a demonstration and the lead scientist said "Sure, I'll send you a test Tickle."
And that's how E-mail was born.
Couple of my coworkers were talking about new windows one of them were putting in. As I'm walking to my office, I overhead them saying how the new windows are frosted and look really nice.
Me (interrupting them): Yeah, some of our windows are frosted too. But it's weird because in the winter time, they flake quite a bit for some reason.
Coworker 1: Flake? What do you mean?
Me: Yeah it's weird. My frosted window flakes all the time.
Coworker 2: OMG laughter
A few minutes pass as I grab some lunch and head back to my office.
Coworker 2: Anything else about your windows you'd like to tell us?
Me (after a brief pause): They're grrrrrrrrrrreat!
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
My husband and I aren't planning on kids just yet, but he'll be great with the dad jokes if we ever have some.
A few weeks back, he called to ask if I needed anything from the store on his way home from work. I said no, and he followed that up with the random observation, "Hey, there's horses over there!"
I was initially confused, because the way he said it made it seem like they were in the road, and asked, "...what are they doing?"
There was a brief pause and he said, "Oh... just horsing around in a field."
I immediately hung up.
Edit: A word.
I was sitting in his seat talking to my mother/grandparents for a bit when an idea hit me. So after some brief set up, I went searching for dad.
Me: I really like the small touches they added, like the personalised messages on the table placements
Dad: What?
Me: You know, the name tag to show where people are sitting
Dad: Yeah, I know what you're talking about, but there's no message on them.
Me: Yes there is! It's on the inside of them, just have to flip them over to read it
Dad: I'm telling you, there's no message on them!
Me: I absolutely guarantee that there is a personalised message written on your name tag!!
So, determined to prove me wrong we go inside to his table and he flips over his name tag to find, in my handwriting, "told you so".
We pass a theatre called the Hanes Brand Theatre. My dad says "The Hanes Brand Theatre? What do they do there?" "What does it sound like they do, dad..." "It sounds like that's where you go to watch brief plays."
MFW: http://imgur.com/eTVdRwu
We were at my cousin's wedding when the time came to cut the cake. My cousin and her new husband made their way over to the cake and tentatively picked up the knife, looking unsure whether to go straight ahead or await further instruction.
My dad took the brief pause as his opportunity and piped up with "what's the matter, never done this before?"
I had a dream that I ordered new underwear, but the package was lost in transit. So I emailed them.
The reply email from the company started "Let's be brief…"
Made a trip to DC by myself and went to Ford's Theatre as part of the trip. I uploaded a couple picture's I took into an album and made a brief description of each, because I knew my family would be interested in looking. Then my father, who is normally a very silent man who rarely ever smiles (let alone cracks a joke), commented this.
Simple, yet effective.
So this happened at my convoy briefing at my unit this morning:
Commander: 'Convoy speed will be 50, catch up speed will be 55'
Someone else: 'What's the mustard speed going to be?'
I was talking to my sister on the phone asking her how my nephew was and how she has been recently, etc.
Then she says, "So some guy called me yesterday..."
I interrupted her and asked, "But I thought your name was Brittany?"
Followed by brief silence and the groan that signifies victory.
So my daughter is sick and has been taking antibiotics for the past week. These antibiotics cause some unwanted side effects (unholy diarrhea) that require us to put a paste on her butt that keeps it from getting chapped. This lead to the following brief exchange between my wife and I:
(While she was changing an explosive diaper)
Her: Have you seen the butt balm?
Me: Yeah, it's right there in her diaper...
Earlier today I got a phone call from a Walmart pharmacy. They were looking a Juan something. I said "Sorry, you have the wrong number." She replied and unknowingly set herself up by asking "No Juan?" I quickly replied, "No, there's no Juan here." There was a brief silence, she gave little giggle and said goodbye.
The bartender interrupted him and said, "Hey can you make this brief?"
And it happened to be reallyyyy long. So I just told them to give me the brief of it
Me: I used to enjoy going to the bar, but it was brief. Dad: I don't wear briefs.
I work at a law firm and called my dad. When the conversation was over my dad dad-joked me pretty well.
Me: "Well I need to get back to work and finish this brief."
Dad: "Well if you're busy I'll resist the urge to make an underwear joke."
