Does anyone else find it disgusting that some plants spread their seeds through the air?
Personally, I find it a-pollen.
I once went to an open air Queen concert.
The performance was stopped half way through due to thunderbolts and lightning....
Very, very frightening....
To all the warm water that suddenly encountered cool air…
My wife loves it that I blow cold air on her when she's too hot...
Personally, I'm not a fan.
My granddaugter today (she's 8) How did the man breath underwater for so long without help?
He put a glass of water on his head!
It's the first time I have been able to see and hug her in over a year, and she made me so proud!
*Edit: So many typos in my title.
Went to the petrol station the other day to put air in my tires and they wanted to charge me £4 for it, so I went inside to ask why its so expensive...
"inflation", is what the guy said
Just a moment ago, my hands began to convulse, my fingernails turned into sharp talons, my palms became thick, hairy, and tough. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and the feeling went away
I just had two paws for a moment
A person says to a genie, "I wish for fame and fortunes." The genie snaps their fingers and says "your wish is granted," pulling a newspaper out of thin air.
The newspaper headline reads, "LOCAL MAN HAS FOUR CHINS!"
Have you been drinking? I smell beer on your breath.
No, I’ve been eating frog legs. What you smell is the hops!
I ran out of material for the doll I was making and only had breathe mints left for the feet.
When I was a kid it was free to use the air hose at the gas station. Now it’s $1
I have a new pen that can write underwater, and in a volcano and on the north pole.
It can write other things too.
I tried to introduce my air conditioner to Bob Dylan.
Apparently it was already a fan.
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
My grandfather invented the cold-air balloon.
It never really took off.
What do you call a weasel that has trouble breathing?
My hotel tried to charge me extra for the use of the air conditioner.
For anyone who wants to discuss the rising costs of air conditioning…
What is it about all the Psychics that I ever visit.. they're either totally depressed, or too excitable.
It's really hard to find a happy Medium..
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
Some famous musician I don’t even like keeps asking me to blow air on him whenever he gets hot, and I don’t like it.
My 8yr old daughter got me with "I can breathe under water"
She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.
I’m back in my hometown looking after my Dad who gets a little forgetful. I helped him with a transaction, and when we left the store he said ‘We need to go to a trophy shop, I need to get a trophy that says-Best Son Ever- “Aw Dad, you’re my trophy”
He looks at me and says ‘It’s for your brother!’
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
I put my left ear next to one of those fancy wind funnel fans, and I actually could feel a little air coming out of my right ear.
Soup (I know it’s from Instagram but that’s why I kept the @ of the account in)
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I just found out that the guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
The comments on the post of a video where a man who flew from Emirates (using hot air balloons) and was found in Oman in a critical condition. I doubt if that video Israel..
When my aunt Penny died she hadn’t cut her hair in 20 years, when we took her to the crematorium it turns out they charged by weight and we couldn’t afford a receptacle for her ashes. I learned an important lesson that day.
A Penny shaved is a Penny urned.
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
What do you call a wizard that walks everywhere barefoot, has poor bone density, and bad breath ?
Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
I'm a line cook and looking for a way to get in on some of the extra cash that servers earn.
Got any tips you can share?
This happened yesterday: My wife and I were in the garden talking about which flowers to get and plant. She said that she wanted some daisies, but not too many.
I replied, “so just a dollop of daisies?”
I took that job as the head of Old McDonald’s farm.
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
This may not be the place to post this but I’m heartbroken that my girl broke up with me due to her hallucinations.
We’d be the only people in a room and she’d tell me that she’s seeing somebody else.
I told my niece that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
She said, "How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”
For the life of me, I couldn’t remember the dress that ballerinas wear.
Then I put tu and tu together.
Does anyone know any good sword fighting puns ? I'm trying to think of any words that have..
The comments on the post of a video where a man who flew from Emirates (using hot air balloons) and was found in Oman in a critical condition. I doubt if that video Israel..
A Chinese stand up comedian was half way his set when all the lights went out. He told the crowd to put all their hands in the air and wave. As by a miracle the lights came back on. ...
...'' You see? Many hands make light work.''
In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
The air conditioner in my apartment broke
After the repair man fixed it, I realized I was $5 short. Fortunately he didn’t sweat me over it, what a cool dude.
Initially I didn’t believe that my chiropractor was any good.
But now I stand corrected.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
