That Day Puns

The iRoll

Edit: thank you kind strangers for the awards! I told my wife we've struck gold and she immediately upgraded to the newest iRoll v2 software!!!

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline...

Which - to me - sounded a bit obvious. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

It's called My Left Footloose

It was a real Fonzi scheme.

He’s all sorted now

The difference is day and night.

I said "Eh, she's alright I guess."

If only they could see me now.

I can't belive how bold he was

But trust me, it doesn’t

The Phantom of the Oprah.

It was my longest running joke of the year.

I asked her if it was going to be full color or just a sketch.

My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.

I thought to myself “these should be free of charge”.

I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.

It didn't help, but I knew he meant well

I saw her again 10 years later, and almost couldn't recognise her because she had become so beautiful. Turns out she thought I'd said that I loved how blubbery she was.

But at night he's Marloff

It was refined.

Happy Father's Day!

Saved you a klick.

I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.

I couldn't turn it down.

You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!

I replied, “you wouldn’t understand, it’s jar gone.”

I think he is slowly losing the plot...

That problem's finally out of my hair.

Stay safe everyone and try to keep smiling

She was shoe-icidal.

March fourth!

(I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

"I dunno. I've never seen herbivore!"

That’s karma in real life

Her job performance was de-creasing.

In that sense, he was on the money.

Son Day happens once a week.

My reply without missing a beat — you’ll be able to buy it, you just won’t be able to buy it rare.

I thought, “Wow, what a cheapskate!”

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

God I miss him .

The phrase was: "good night"

To which I said, “I grew it over winter, but I’m thinking of shaving it off. Only it’s been growing on me”

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

They had to March first.

It was made yeasterday

Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.

“Rudolph The Red knows rain, dear.”

"I have my Riesens!”

He went from the ladle to the grave.

She's going to love these flowers!

...when it’s officially Finnished?

And the rope replies, “I’m a frayed knot.”

A lightbulb.

What a bitch.

So Saturday’s really are for the Boyce

But I don’t lose any sleep over it.

He advised "lever".

I said, “Remember, it’s also son day.”

She must be tracked down and stopped!

Hot shingles in your area.

I responded, "that is a prime example."

I was shocked because I’ve never seen one with more than 4!

There was nothing left but de brie!

I’m not going to stand for it.

Me: Oh yeah, what was it on?

Her: Paper.

I was so proud.

Instead he gave me a microwave.

Looks like their marriage is working out.

Mama said there’d be gays like this!

Happy Pride Month, y’all. :D

it finally grew a pear.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

If only they could see me now.

Tomorrow.

If only they could see me now!!

No surprises there, I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey.