It was on the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month that I realized…
… I will never buy a cheap calendar again
The other day, I opened the door to two policemen who told me “we’ve had reports from your neighbours that your dog was chasing a kid on a bike.”
I said, “that’s ridiculous. My dog doesn’t even know how to ride a bike.”
what do you call a potato that’s been out in the sun all day?
My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean...
I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...
Every year I would put cereal in the cupboard in order from the day that I purchased them..
I guess you could say I was a cereal dater..
I was driving my truck down an empty back road when I hit a pig. There was no damage to the truck, so I rolled it into the ditch and drove off, confident that nobody had seen it. The next day, cops show up at my door. Shocked, I asked “how did you find out?”
Did you hear about the haunted house that lost its liquor license the day after halloween?
They got in trouble for giving boos to people under 21
My father called me the other day to tell me that he was attracted to both Women and Men
I dislike karma whores who make posts that imply it's their cake day, simply for upvotes.
I won't be doing that today!
Jim: "I got a text message the other day that said IDK. What does that mean?"
Jack: "I don't know."
Jim: "Neither do I."
The other day I saw someone that looked just like Amy Poehler but she was a littler shorter.
Did you know that cicadas vary their buzz depending on the time of day?
They call it a cicadian rhythm
My doctor suggested that I start doing crunches so I've been doing crunches twice a day now for the last month.
Captain in the morning and Nestle in the afternoon. Not really sure how that's supposed to help but I like doing them a lot.
Me: "I'm so mad that my kids were on eBay all day."
Wife: "If they are still on it tomorrow, cut the price in half"
An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"
The pandemic has been hard on my gym routine. I just can't seem to get back in the groove. But I did find one exercise that I can do at home every single day. Honestly, it's my favorite exercise - and I'm seeing pretty significant gains!
The archbishop of Canterbury knew that it was talk like a pirate day when he said...
Arrrrrr! Father who art in heaven!
If you start drinking Taiwanese milk tea with tapioca balls today, and keep doing that every day until October 31st…
You can be Boba Fat for Halloween
I found a lump on my neck that has gotten bigger every day for the last few weeks.
The Doctor asked if I wanted him to remove it, but I don't know.
It's kinda growing on me.
I work in aviation and one day I got a call that one of our aircraft mechanics was caught drinking brake fluid.
He told us not to worry and that it’s not addictive, because he could stop anytime.
One time I sat outside all night wondering what the reason was that it's always dark all night and light all day.
Did you hear that labor day joke?
Yeah, it didn't work for me.
I was walking through the shops the other day with my Dad when we walked past a sign that said wet floor
Did you know that you can get a day in jail for using illegal fireworks?
It’s a pretty light punishment
Now that I’ve surpassed my tenth cake day I think it’s safe to say…
When I was in London, I took a three month job that required me to sit all day.
I gained quite a few pounds during that time.
My Wife says to me this morning. Our new neighbor kisses his wife every day when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that..!?
Because I hardly know her..I said.
Wifey had long been suffering from heart ailments, and so we were thrilled to know that they finally found a good match for replacement. On the day of the surgery though, she seemed really nervous. So I asked her..
if she was having a change of heart. She was.
When I came home today, I found that my wife has been on Ebay all day long.
If she's still on there tomorrow, I'm going to have to lower the price.
Did you hear they fired that actor the other day for refusing to play an Eskimo?
True story: Taking my daughter to her music lesson the other day and she says: "Daddy I think I'd like to start another instrument. We have that old violin laying around and I'd like to learn to play. Nothing serious just casually to learn a song now and then.
To which I replied..."So your intention is just to fiddle with it?"
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
I JUST found out that May 20 is World Bee Day. I missed it!! Am I going to be upset about it?
My youngest found a pebble the other day, and I said "That must be from Arkansas"
because it's a Little Rock.
when I was a kid I found a pebble that I still have to this day
Ever since than it's been my rock in life
(Original content so be kind lol)
What do you call a baby kangaroo that sleeps all day?
I went to the butcher's the other day and bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said:
"No thanks, the steaks are too high."
Just want to tell that guy I met the other day, who is trying to find a source of water for his village
It’s ridiculous that people actually celebrate pi day.
It’s completely irrational.
It's a shame that people who spend all day working hard, digging for precious metals can't enjoy a drink at the end of the day.
All because they're miners.
I know times are tough for a lot of people right now. All over the planet, humanity struggles with problems that seem to never go away... just remember, you can always rest assured that at the end of the day...
Back in my day, you could walk into a store with $25 and walk out with 2 ribeye steaks, a case of beer, a pack of toilet paper and a gallon of milk. You just can’t do that anymore….
My wife says to me this morning. Our new neighbor kisses his wife every day when he leaves for work, why don't you do that !
I replied..because I hardly know her.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No the steaks are too high."
My Wife says to me this morning. Our new neighbor kisses his wife every day when he leaves for work, why don't you do that..?!!
..because I hardly know her.
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