I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...

He re-Poe-ed them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn't believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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"What's the client's name?" "I couldn't tell you off the top of my head."
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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My friend told me to tell a Jesus pun off the top of my head;

I totally nailed it.

It was a good pun, too. The Holy Grail of All jesus puns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Officer_Cow
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
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I'd tell you a trigonometry joke, but I don't wanna get off-tangent.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Creator8888
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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I caught a young woman throwing stones at my greenhouse. But I did not tell her off. Instead, I praised her.

She broke the glass ceiling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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Friends tell me to stop fishing off a boat.

I'm not giving in to pier pressure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/engfish
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2017
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My family just got back from vacation. As we were getting off the aircraft, my wife tells our kids, β€œeverybody say β€˜Bye plane!’ β€œ

And I said, β€œActually, this is a jet.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TF79870
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
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A rare child free night, a fancy restaurant. Waiter tells us the wine he's pouring has "strong tannins." I turn to my wife and tell her if the wine turns orange it's definitely a knock off...

... because of the fake tannin.

I grin, she groans and drinks more wine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chibolamoo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2017
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Finally got to tell a dad joke on my kindergarten grade daughter I've been waiting 5 years to pull off.

"How was school?"

"We had gym."

"Gym who?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaverickTenSays
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2016
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Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. β€œWhy’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”

β€œCardamom”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aphex-Puddle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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Last November 5, i was caught off guard when I was approached by a stranger angrily telling me to butt out of his romantic affairs.

As if i care who that Guy FΓ—Γ—Γ—Γ—s.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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I l8ve telling Flat Earthers to fall off already

But they will never get around to it

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EasyGmoney
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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I hate dentists.

Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pokebandit91
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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The Tells bowling adventures

Everyone knows the story about William Tell shooting an apple off his son's head but not many know that the Tell family was huge into bowling, even joined a league. Sadly, the records weren't kept safe and to this very day we have no idea for whom the Tells bowled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baronvb1123
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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Where would you hear the most gossip from a prostitute?

A ho-tell. That's where she would go to get something off her chest.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Settle a pun debate

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/creaky_thumbs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Telling someone that you work in IT support can be such a turn off...

And then a turn on again.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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I was telling my friend Ted about a drug dependent acquaintance, who always comes off as rude. I told my friend:

β€œHe is a dick, Ted.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Inkuu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2017
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Thank you

This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it. Thank you πŸ’–

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xcixjames
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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I had been telling dad jokes to my friends all evening and decided to finish off with one big finale.

Here's my favorite part

https://imgur.com/a/4ZLAw

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jojo40605
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2016
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Two blokes go for a job. Before they can get the job they are asked some questions.

One said to the other i wont get the job i not good at questions. Dont worry said the other i go in first and i will tell you the answers? So he goes in the boss said to him; If i poke you in the left eye what would happen. I would go half blind. If i poke you right eye what would happen. I would go fully blind. Congratulations you have got the job. Send the other candidate in. As the other candidate was going in the he said the answers are Half blind and Fully blind. Thanks mate and goes to see the boss. Right said the boss if i cut your ear off what would happen. I would go half blind. Okay said the boss if i cut your other ear off what would happen. I would go fully blind. The boss looks puzzled and said how do you make that out. He said thats obvious.

My cap would fall over my eyes!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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A guy walks into an empty bar...

He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"

He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.

Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"

Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"

At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"

The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."

The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".

"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.

"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....

"they're complimentary"

:)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_thundernugs_
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Two vegans were travelling through a desert...

A few weeks into their journey, they ran out of food. Unable to find plants to eat, and after an entire day of discussion, they decided that if they found meat before plants, the would eat it.

A day later, in the distance, they saw a small tree. As they got closer, they saw that there were strips of perfectly cooked bacon hanging from the bare limbs.

The first vegan grew excited. "Look! It's a bacon tree! Food!" And with that, he took off running toward it.

The other vegan hung back, looking at it suspiciously. "No, wait!" he called. "That's not a bacon tree!"

"Sure it is! It's a bacon tree!" the first vegan yelled over his shoulder. When he reached the tree, he jumped, trying to reach the bacon from the lower branches, but before he could, a pair of wild boar darted out from behind the tree and skewered him on their tusks.

The other vegan shook his head. "I tried to tell you it wasn't a bacon tree. It was just a hambush..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VA_DiagSexAddict
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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Coming home from apple picking this morning, my wife saw a sign from a Jewelry store that read, "Watches 20% off."

Wife, "Wow, watches 20% off. That's not a bad deal."

Me, "Ehh, I'd rather they tell the correct time."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Platinum_Mattress
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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So im about ten years old walking home from school with my mates..

When a chap in a van pulls up gets out and says there is a new leather sette and a leather chair in the van you can have it free of charge.

We decided to take it to our house. I told my dad expecting him to be pleased. Instead he came over and clipped my ear with the back of his hand.

Crying i said what was that for. My dad said How many times do i have to tell you. DONT TAKE SUITES OFF STRANGERS!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Mom and her son

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers, "Yes."

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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Doctor Visit

A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Dawn referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked... The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "That was wonderful..."

The husband says, "Don't move... I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Groundhog Day

Not completely sure this is a dadjoke but it sure got the same reaction. This happened about two years ago.

My wife used to work nights and on Friday and Saturday after she went to work, my then-12yo son and I would often watch a movie together. Sometimes he picked, usually it was a movie from The List, movies I liked when I was his age, things that shaped my sense of humor. I want him to be able to recognize the stupid quotes and references I throw at him. It’s his cultural education.

So we settled in for Groundhog Day. I’m a sucker for time travel shenanigans. Finished it up, he enjoyed it, and the next morning he was off to Boy Scout camp for a week.

He came back, we’re all excited to see him, and I tell him I got Groundhog Day 2 from Netflix. Threw it in the DVD player and we got about 20 minutes into before he looked at me and said β€œthis is just Groundhog Day all over again, isn’t it? There is no Groundhog Day 2.”

So worth an extra week hanging onto the disc.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shellexyz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, β€œUgh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman storms off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, β€œThe driver just insulted me!” The man says, β€œYou go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Detroiter_1017
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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riding

My son is learning to ride his bike and when he falls off he looks up with tears in his eyes asking 'WHY?"

I just tell him its a vicious cycle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrLivens
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Two scientists are trying to come up with a way to measure temperature.

One shows the other a prototype thermometer.

"We haven't figured out what to call it yet, but I need you to tell me what temperature this room is when i turn off the air conditioner so it cools to room temperature."

The other scientist gives him the OK and he walks out of the room to turn off the heater.

"OK, what temperature is it?"

"There's no marks on it!" The other scientist replied.

"Well, tell me the height of the mercury on the inside, relative to length of the bottle!"

"Alright" The scientist says. "In that case, it's fair in height"

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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.

A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.

The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.

After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.

The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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Man walks into a butcher store and sees a side of beef strapped to the ceiling. As he approaches the counter he asked asks β€œHey, what’s with the beef?”

Butcher tells him if he can jump up and touch it, he gets half off his purchase. If not, he pays double. The man looks up at the beef and says,

β€œNah. The steaks are too high.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tkl15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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[Request] Need a terrible terrible just god awful pun

My girlfriend bet me I couldn't find a pun so bad that she'd tell me to shut up and fuck off and die. Naturally I want to prove her wrong. Any and all help is appreciated

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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