I had this blood test last week and didn't study

Good thing I managed to get a B+

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iyxnoluwa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
why couldn't the superhero pass a written test?

...he was always writing wrongs!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I jokingly asked my mailman if they test all packages for coronavirus, but he didn't laugh, and now I'm not receiving any letters.

I think my delivery may be off.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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CJ's teacher wondered why he didn't perform very well in the PEs test.

After all, all he had to do was to follow the damn train!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gustavo6046
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I don’t test drive cars because of the β€œyou break it you bought it.” Policy.

I mean braking is the only way to stop the vehicle.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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I didn't know test tubes were this colourful.
πŸ‘︎ 475
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dz959
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
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I don't test stairs...

I think they're up to something

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kortbug2000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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Tomorrow's my biology practical exam and I don't know how to chemically test for glucose

I'm so gonna be Fehling the test

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/killercatto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a crash test dummy that doesn’t want to do anything?

A pro-crash-tinator

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SciencyLlama
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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I can’t believe I failed my drug test today

Looks like I’ll never be a pharmacist

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mtabor0311
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the professor like the litmus test?

It was too basic.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BreezyMcWeasel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2016
🚨︎ report
I burnt my left hand just before a test, but luckily I don't right with it.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lost1010
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2015
🚨︎ report
What did the cheese say when he didn't study for his test?

I hope I won't be grated!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bruce_oat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2017
🚨︎ report
I regret nothing
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MissMatriarch
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
So, I took this Liverpool (UK) girl out to a vegetarian restaurant

I said, β€œDo you like avocado?”

She said, β€œNo, I aven’t even passed me driving test yet”

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Negative

True story, I work in the health industry, get to ask these questions from time to time:

Me: Good morning (of course no matter what time of day it is)! I have 4 questions for you, let’s see if you studied for the test...

Patient: (most of the time, chuckle)

Me: Have you had a fever in the last 48 hours?

Patient: No

Me: Have you had a persistent cough recently?

Patient: No

Me: Have you been tested for COVID-19 recently?

Patient (sometimes): Yes

Me: Do you know the results of the test?

Patient (about 85% of the time): Negative

Me: You don’t know the results of the test? (Straight face behind mask)

Patient: It was negative

Me: (smile and chuckle showing through mask)

Patient: Ohhhh! I get it! (Laughs 95% of the time)

Me: Dad jokes have to happen... πŸ™‚

/insert question #4 here, unrelated to said joke... heh

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cidici
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I couldn’t be tested for covid19

The doctor kept giving me the rona-round

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anafuckboi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A soldier is called in to speak to a sergeant...

The sergeant says: "I didn't see you today in the camouflage test"

"That's the idea, Sergeant"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Fishy_Boi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I was driving my new Toyota down the street and some kid said 'sick car'

I replied, "thanks, I'll get it tested for Corollavirus".

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmokeRingHalo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Don't get confused between the testes and the urethra

There's a vas deferens between them

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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A doctor is reviewing test results with his patient...

Doctor: I'm afraid you've tested positive for herpes.

Patient: I knew that one of these days I'd end up with a fungal infection.

Doctor: Actually, it's viral.

Patient: Yeah, but I got it from a fun gal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamundan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Chemist 1 : Hey, try this new soda I like so much.

Chemist 1 : Hey, try this new soda I like so much.

Chemist 2 : takes litmus paper and dips it into the glass

Chemist 1 : You don’t trust me?

Chemist 2 : It was just a lye detector test.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lonevolffe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad dropped this gem during breakfast.

How do you know if a man is ticklish? Just take 1 test-tickle.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun_Kill3r
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
All these protests....

I get being anti-homework but how can you be pro-tests?

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iTzbr00tal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
If quizzes are quizzical...

What are tests ?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie, That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.

When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!

In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.

A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?

πŸ‘︎ 686
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeAbout
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
If you can’t ski ...

You’ll never pass the Touring Test ...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afarro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you ever thought about what the world would be like without noses?

Nobody nose.

Also my boyfriend came up with this and I feel like this is so good I need to go take a pregnancy test to see if he’s about to be a dad.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CompactDisc96
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Christmas warning

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanilakodey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Lost one of my AirPods

Now I call the other one Highlander

I’ve since changed the name to:

β€œLance Armstrong’s Testes”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andrewmathman17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti

πŸ‘︎ 22k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlySupaFly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
🚨︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to join the psychic police force

But I failed the vision test

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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My wife was trying to see how ticklish my daughters were...

so she gave them test tickles.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikehawk86
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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I heard the King of spain caught Covid...

Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.

So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmohon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a theory on how to become immortal.

Trouble is, it'll take forever to test.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YDAQ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
An electrician...

....tested positive today

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PanixATK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Pepsi factory?

He tested positive for Coke!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about US schools reopening during the pandemic?

Superintendent really wanted the students to get a Positive result in their upcoming tests.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickD716
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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Why did Poseidon like his wave technique?

It was trident tested

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the laughing experiment for males only?

Because the scientists needed a test tickle to start.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AcuraF1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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