So, I took this Liverpool (UK) girl out to a vegetarian restaurant

I said, β€œDo you like avocado?”

She said, β€œNo, I aven’t even passed me driving test yet”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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A doctor is reviewing test results with his patient...

Doctor: I'm afraid you've tested positive for herpes.

Patient: I knew that one of these days I'd end up with a fungal infection.

Doctor: Actually, it's viral.

Patient: Yeah, but I got it from a fun gal.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamundan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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Chemist 1 : Hey, try this new soda I like so much.

Chemist 1 : Hey, try this new soda I like so much.

Chemist 2 : takes litmus paper and dips it into the glass

Chemist 1 : You don’t trust me?

Chemist 2 : It was just a lye detector test.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lonevolffe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad dropped this gem during breakfast.

How do you know if a man is ticklish? Just take 1 test-tickle.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun_Kill3r
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
All these protests....

I get being anti-homework but how can you be pro-tests?

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iTzbr00tal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
If quizzes are quizzical...

What are tests ?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie, That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.

When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!

In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.

A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?

πŸ‘︎ 685
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeAbout
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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If you can’t ski ...

You’ll never pass the Touring Test ...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afarro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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Have you ever thought about what the world would be like without noses?

Nobody nose.

Also my boyfriend came up with this and I feel like this is so good I need to go take a pregnancy test to see if he’s about to be a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CompactDisc96
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Christmas warning

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanilakodey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Lost one of my AirPods

Now I call the other one Highlander

I’ve since changed the name to:

β€œLance Armstrong’s Testes”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andrewmathman17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti

πŸ‘︎ 22k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlySupaFly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I say to my dad β€œim hungry”

hi hungry im dad was the response no i said, mom just gave me the dna testing

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cuulfaff3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to join the psychic police force

But I failed the vision test

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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How did the Sherman Tank get its name?

During testing, the driver said he wanted to go 2,000 miles without changing the transmission.

The tank responded with "Sure, man."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ralph090
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife was trying to see how ticklish my daughters were...

so she gave them test tickles.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikehawk86
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...

Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.

So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmohon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a theory on how to become immortal.

Trouble is, it'll take forever to test.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YDAQ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
An electrician...

....tested positive today

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PanixATK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Pepsi factory?

He tested positive for Coke!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about US schools reopening during the pandemic?

Superintendent really wanted the students to get a Positive result in their upcoming tests.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickD716
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Poseidon like his wave technique?

It was trident tested

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the laughing experiment for males only?

Because the scientists needed a test tickle to start.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AcuraF1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the cop turned invigilator say during an exam?

You’re Under-a-test

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hahaha_Joker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.

I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 380
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CodyClay1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and the kids went to get tested

Thankfully the tests came back negative and they're not my kids after all

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sleek1t
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A conspiracy enthusiast told me that to many nose swabs for Covid could cause brain damage.

I told him that President Trump gets tested every day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparkei1ca
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What does every tickle me Elmo get before they leave the factory?

Two test tickles

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chascb123
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m getting an MRI tomorrow...

They’re testing to see if I have claustrophobia or not.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtbuddcody
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A man goes into the doctors office

"Doctor,doctor" he says, "I keep thinking I'm a small city"

The doctor does some tests and says, "I'm sorry. You have town syndrome"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeboom06
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitHODL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How can you tell if your girlfriend is ticklish?

Give her a test tickle.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaxxonn26
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an exam that makes you laugh?

A test-tickle!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jjsoto6003
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My test came back negative!

Too bad it was my IQ test.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisprater6986
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I was examining a lad's driving test.

At the end, he stopped us outside the test centre.

"You know," I began, "alcohol really impairs someone's judgements..."

The lad's lip quivered, "But I'm not drunk, mister."

"No," I replied, "I am, and you've passed."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been torturing my daughter with jokes for years now

And here they are

In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.

Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:

Vol. 1

Vol. 2

Vol. 3

Vol. 4

EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!

Also, thanks for the gold.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geoffevans
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Dentist: This is extraordinary! You don’t seem to have any teeth at all!

Woman: I’m here for a smear test

Dentist: oh that’s next door!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LTAD2108
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought I was Bad Dad

So I did a few tests. Turns out I could never be.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManThatsBoring
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The doctor said I should reduce my wine consumption...

After a test for my blood type came back as Cabern-A positive.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I won’t be needing a new phone

I decided to do a drop test with my friends on my iPhone 6s to see if the screen would break. It didn’t break so I said β€œ I guess you could say that test was a 6s.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jammiedodger018
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian.

They’re immediately taken back to a room.

Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.

β€œThis must be a mistake,” the man says. β€œI’ve been here only 20 minutes!”

β€œNo mistake,” the doctor says. β€œIt’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucianoMercuri__
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery.

I had one of them tested, and it was positive. Hope it's not terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwingitout2day
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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